Someone writes (in reply to an earlier commenter): “I too am a victim of a false order of protection and have the same judge. My story is an unbelievable loss of rights with no possible outcome of justice. As I am fearful that publicly telling my story would result in retribution from the judge, I must stay quiet until after I can get out of the court system.”
In the year or so that I’ve maintained this blog, it has received thousands of queries from people abused by restraining orders but considerably fewer actual comments from victims. Most of these comments are anonymous, and many victims seeking answers or consolation have instead emailed me to avoid subjecting themselves to further public scrutiny—understandably. They’re wounded, humiliated, and intimidated and have had it impressed upon them by the state that they if they don’t shut up they’ll be locked up (or suffer more permanent privations).
The restraining order process is sustained on shame and fear and perpetuated because of its political value not its social value, which is dubious at best. The agents of its perpetuation, the courts, are very effective at subduing resistance. Defendants are publicly condemned and threatened with police interference and further forfeitures of rights, and are saddled with allegations that make them afraid besides of social recrimination and rejection—even if those allegations are fraudulent. Avenues of relief are narrow and by and large only available to defendants of means, who, if they prevail, are glad to put the ordeal behind them and move on. The rest are put to flight. And so it goes…on.
First Amendment. Amendment to U.S. Constitution guaranteeing basic freedoms of speech, religion, press, and assembly and the right to petition the government for redress of grievances. The various freedoms and rights protected by the First Amendment have been held applicable to the states through the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment (Black’s Law Dictionary, sixth ed.).
Due process clause. Two such clauses are found in the U.S. Constitution, one in the [Fifth] Amendment pertaining to the federal government, the other in the [Fourteenth] Amendment which protects persons from state actions. There are two aspects: procedural, in which a person is guaranteed fair procedures and substantive which protects a person’s property from unfair governmental interference or taking. Similar clauses are in most state constitutions. See Due process of law (Black’s Law Dictionary, sixth ed.).
Glaring to anyone who peruses these entries in Black’s Law Dictionary and who’s been put through the restraining order wringer is that the process flouts the very principles on which our legal system was established (when I recall one of the judges in my own case referring to his courtroom as “the last bastion of civilization,” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry). It mocks the guarantee of fair procedures and the protection of a person’s property from unfair governmental interference or seizure—and it does a pretty decent job of convincing defendants that if they complain about it they’ll go from the frying pan into the fire. (For those who don’t have an intimate familiarity with the process, a restraining order case may receive no more than 10 minutes of deliberation from a judge—without ever meeting or hearing from the defendant—and even if appealed, no more than 20 or 30 minutes. That’s minutes. On allegations that often include stalking, battery, or violent threat; that may result in a defendant’s being denied access to home, property, family, and assets, and/or forfeiting his or her job and/or freedom; and that are publicly accessible and may be indefinitely stamped on a defendant’s record. It takes a judge many times longer to digest a meal than a restraining order case.)
If you’re a restraining order defendant, recognize these facts: (1) no matter what truth there is to allegations made against you in a restraining order, your civil rights have been violated by the state (all restraining order defendants are blindsided if not railroaded); (2) the restraining order process’s being constitutionally unsupportable makes it unworthy of respect; and (3) impressions by menacing rhetoric notwithstanding, you have every right to challenge the legitimacy of an unfair procedure (in fact, doing so makes you the last bastion of civilization).
Reject the impulse the process inspires to withdraw and hide. Seek counsel (consult with an attorney—or three—even if you can’t afford to employ one). Get information. Harry court clerks until your questions are answered. Ask others for help in the form of character and witness testimony and affidavits, advice, legwork, or just moral support. Get familiar with a local law library (university librarians, in particular, are very helpful). Request a postponement from the court if you need more time to prepare a defense. File a motion to see a judge if your appeal is normally conducted in writing only. Be assertive. Make the plaintiff work for it.
The restraining order process is a specter that feeds on fear. Switch on the light. Remember that as horrible as the accusations against you may seem or feel to you, they’re not likely to be credited by those who know you—especially if those accusations are completely unfounded. And chances are lawyers you explain them to will yawn rather than wag their fingers at you. They’ve heard it all before and know to take allegations made in restraining orders with a shaker of salt. So don’t hesitate to reach out, particularly if the case against you is trumped up. The last thing you want to do is give it credibility by behaving as though it’s legitimate. Don’t violate a restraining order but do resist its tearing your life apart.
And if one has compromised your life and you’re “out of the court system” as the commenter in the epigraph awaits becoming, recognize that your freedom of speech is sacrosanct. This nation was founded on the blood of men who died to guarantee your right to express yourself.
This travesty, the restraining order process, is a breach of the contract between the state and its citizens, and it endures because defendants feel impotent, helpless, and vulnerable (even after their cases are long concluded). This is how you’re meant to feel, and the effectiveness of this emotional coercion is what ensures that the cogs of the meat grinder stay greased.
Don’t give ’em the satisfaction.
Copyright © 2012 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
TALKING BACK to restraining orders 
i read to resist the urge to withdraw , and that is what i have done for the most part , while trying to fight this mess , i have been falsely accused ad that with the fact that my boss was part of the set up , and poof 12 years of my life gone like it was never there , I am not going to sit here and say i had no involvement , because i did i was in an affair, had i been in my right mind to begin with it would of never happened , my mother likes to say i got caught in the perfect storm , i can tell you this , the withdraw thing is not me i have been a fighter my whole life!In this last year i have experienced a little of something from ever post here and some no one has experienced and that’s to find evidence that your boss was working with the same girl who has filed the claim , so in this last year i have had 3 restraining orders and only one may be justified? i called my boos out (actually i put the option out there)and said lets settle like men and ill let it go win or lose , bam another restraining order from someone who really thinks he is a bad ass , he has hundreds of people working under him and he has been a bully the 12 years i have known him , so yes we have bumped heads a few times , the lies that came from my employer on what i found out of more to the point no response at all makes it that much worse. that place was my second home and , and in one year how much bad luck can one guy have ? Feb 20 2014 my brother and 2 young ladies and another guy were all murdered my brother shot in the face trying to protect his girl , i took this very very hard and it was the start of a downward slide , soon like very soon me and my girl had a major blow out , and it was about my brother , well the women who filed the claim knew this and she made the advance to me shortly after , i did not resist she was my assistant and it took my mind off my brother (i had 2 family members and now only one my mother) so my brother was i big blow , she took advantage of this , its not an excuse its just what happened it was good while it lasted but i also realize now it was all bullshit from her and from me for believing it)about 8 months later after being my best friend and the one i thought i could trust , she says she wants to fix her marriage , and i was fine with that , but something was off , any how i had a few talks with her about her marriage and did what i could to help her even though i had strong feelings , and i felt like a dirt bag anyway .so as we are getting through this , because i have to work hand and hand with her , she has a text talk with my mother about fixing her marriage and how this is all her fault and she will have to take responsibility for her actions , and how great i was and how it was my place bla bla bla the very next day i came upon a text to another employee in the same office very NASTY text sent the night before or early that morning in any case it was after the text with my mother , and i was pissed and sad at the same time and i knew i had 2 issues one being i had feelings and the other being a manager! lets add one more, and my head being up my ass since my brothers murder, so it was clear that the fix marriage thing was bullshit , but that never stop her from claiming i tried to destroy her marriage and said her husband hates her and so on , lucky i have emails that say the opposite , but unlucky was that the other guy has been best friends with all 3 of my bosses for around 20 years, the ‘good ol boy club” i tried the best iu could to put a stop to it all , did i make mistakes i am sure i did.about seven days later i noticed that after i had another talk with her and said it has to stop no flirting, no other guys in workplace just do your job and go home and we forget it and move on, within an hour she was back at it , at least i had enough sense to catch that , that night i talk to a friend told him the situation and asked him to watch the way she was around me , and he noticed it!!!i could not figure why the lead on , Thanksgiving weekend i sent a email asking how someone can do the things she has done, and her husband responded ,(i have always suspected that he has known what she does to some extent and i am even more sure of it then even now) and they called my boss and i was fired Monday , i remember the words when they fired me over the phone , and it drives me to this day ” its with a heavy heart the xxxxx and i have to let you go but we know something is missing and we will not stop until we get it ! right after that call they had all the locks changed in the building in front of all my employees and i was banned from the property and no one would even talk to me , once i figured out i was getting screwed i sent an email to all my reps telling them the truth or my side so they could decide themselves, i knew if i did not the story they would get would be bullshit, i am not one to take this shit and not respond, right or wrong that’s me , 4 days later i get a restraining order from her and it was a gold mine , this is were i found out about my boss, he sends a letter directly to her saying thanks for bringing to his attention and it was handled bla bla bla , but he made a huge mistake he says “as you know in the evening of Sunday,Nov 30 2014, you reported to me and xxx (for the first time)bam got ya , why was he reminding her of the Nov 30 the day before if that is the only date he knows of? so as i continue to go through the order i come across and email from my bosses next in line and right hand man that this women put in the order ,he is embedded in her email signature , i know you just do not get there by accident and the fact that he was in a different town and did not know her means it was absolutely on purpose even though it had to be anyway , and the date that on the email is Nov 21 2014 , so boss #1 lies because no way in hell boss #2 would be on there unless boss #1 told him to.. so i confronted boss #2 in a text and he and he lied and said he had no idea what i was talking about and that i just was taking it bad , then i reminded him about when i caught him in my emails the week before i was fired , and i just shrugged it off thinking he was watching someone else in the email string,so for 9 days i my buttons were pushed while they waited for what ever the hell it was they wanted and they used an email that was sent on the 8th day of them watching as the excuse when they did not need a excuse! and then there is the fact that 95% of her evidence in her order was dated on or after Nov 21 ! go figure and tell me there was not a connection and i believe that connection was the other guy and the best buddy of my bosses .. now get this his wife of 18 years had just passed from cancer and the lady who caused this mess made her move on him at his wife’s memorial , ya that’s what i am dealing with , well i don’t think he liked that it was getting a little heated at times so i BELIEVE CANNOT PROVE that he is the one who went to my bosses! and it makes sense because my boss would not trust her and put himself at risk for her but he would for him, no question.and yes there is motive for him to make that kind of move , so i just had the knife stuck in the back , from someone i considered like family , you know the family you don’t like but are family none the less , and then everyone turned there back on me , at the order trial the judge asked what i did to make her so scared to ask for an restraining order and she replied “oh nothing like that he is a nice guy” the judge gave a 6 month order mainly to cover her ass and said it was a cooling down period. fast forward to July that order expired two months prior and i had just received from the EEOC a right to sue letter , in layman terms a worthless piece of paper , so i had the good idea to send a text to the lady that caused all this to see if her guilt was getting to her and see if she under stood that they were going to fire her and i had a way to redemption i wanted her to testify against my boss , well 4 days later another restraining order only this time she says i have been following her to work , only i have gotten back with my girl and she was with me at the dates and times she claims so i am confident about my case i spend days out lining her lies, and that’s on every document she has filed figured out that she is attempting to mislead the court this time and i also have my mother who sits at her computer in front of the driveway , who would of heard me on my motorcycle or any of my bikes or cars there all loud , and who also knows that i have barley lefty my room in 9 months, come as a witness as well , at trial she gives the complete wrong description of my helmet yet states i was a foot away , and when my girl was on the stand the judge was looking for more of a reason then the truth , and once i brought up that she was lying and misleading the court with 2 police logs then the judge asked her how she came up with the 2 main dates in her complaint and she said”that (one safe place) told her to just get as close as possible it does not matter in other words this women group told her to lie” about the main dates and what i built my defense around so the judge knew she was lying , she did not win 1% of that case and i give one percent because i sent the text , in the end the judge never looked at any of my evidence gave her the case and in so many words implied i was a liar , even though she was the one who got caught lying and he issued a 1 year on the sole fact that i sent the text a text that he himself said was harmless 2 months after the other order expired!the week before i had the trial with my boss because i called him out (more like gave the option), (may of deserved that one ) and the same judge took my first amendment rights with out one shred of proof other then what this guy said , i said to the judge so your telling me i cannot tell my story? even if its based on facts and the truth the judge said no and that he had the right to take it ..bla bla bla , i am appealing both judgements this week if i can get a waiver , that’s my year , so i have lost a 80k year job that i started from the bottom to get to , funny part is they still could of fired me if they wanted without ruining me , “at-will”remember that , that means an employer can do what ever the hell they want even set you up and there is not a damn thing you can do about it .i have lost every single friend i have had some for 10 plus years , because they are afraid of my ex-boss , all my credit cards are in default and for the first time in my life i had to go on assistance. this girl is still working there in that same year she has had 2 confirmed affairs and 1 unconfirmed but i know it to be true and has done more damage to the office then all the trouble makers i have know combined in the 12 years i was there. i have put no names on here for a reason , nor have i listed my job when im able to disclose everything believe me its going to happen , for all i know i can still get in trouble even though i have used no ones name , and if that is the case and the moderator knows this then he can feel free to take it off the blog ..im just not going to sit and take this shit any longer , and make no mistake im am just dumb enough to push it, and i have made enough bad judgments and mistakes this last year 2 last 3 lifetimes, i can accept any wrong i may have done the problem now is that she has lied and twisted it so much that how could it ever be figured out ? to this day i have never got to defend myself at work and pretty much in court as well been railroaded from the start .and i can prove what i say with documents and timelines but the bottom line is no one gives a shit ..period and thats what has got to change ..once i ask if the moderator feels i can get in trouble even though there are no names or places in my post that he delete off the blog ..stay strong fight the fight the best way you can , and sometimes even if its the wrong way to fight it , but be heard .after the trial with the lady after the judge screwed me , i was heard and escorted out ..hahha you may not want to be heard that loud..hahahah have a good one
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Reblogged this on sweetsurrender922.
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I also feel like a hopeless victim in a civil restraint order in which I agreed to out of the fear that a domestic violence fro.all of the allegations were completed falsified but I agreed to the civil restraint order simply out of fear that a fro would have such a devastating effect on my life. My wife and I had a good relationship for 20 years unto I messed that up with a gambling problem. We separated and we’re trying to work our marriage out until her million are lawyer got involved. That’s when the allegations of stalking harassment etc came flying my way.all allegations were completely false and though I was represented by an attorney I agree to the civil restraint s completely out of fear.now my entire life is in limbo.in retrospect I am passed at myself for not having the strength and fortitude to see this thru.i just didn’t want to chance having a fro filed against me along with the domestic violence consequences that would have accompanied that if I was ruled against. Her lawyer brother came at me with a vengeance and my wife a puppet to his advice and actions I was completely blindsided and didn’t have the money to fight this in a proper manner.I guess what I am now wondering if there are action I can now take to get the civil restraint amended or dropped. The wife has the house bank account s everything. I need advice on how to get my life back!
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That’s how these monsters work: intimidation and threat. See this case:
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2015/04/24/the-nightmare-neil-shelton-has-lived-for-three-years-and-is-still-living-a-fathers-story-of-restraining-order-abuse/
A crude civil court procedure (that everyone imagines is “nothing”) is a perfect tool of coercion, and the accused end up ruined.
Do you have any income now, Eugene? Could you swing a consultation with a lawyer?
You could talk to Larry, author of BuncyBlawg.com. He’s a former lawyer, and he has tried to sue his false accuser for damages and dismissal of a fraudulent restraining order. It’s rough if not impossible, but he may have some insights. I do know of at least one person who did succeed in suing and having the order against her vacated.
A surer entrée into the courts is defamation. If there happens to be anything you could point to, any public lies about you other than to the court, this could at least get you before a judge. You could even file the lawsuit on your own. This can motivate “bargaining.”
Tread carefully if you’re still under the prohibitions of a restraining order. You would have to make sure you filed papers with the courthouse and had them delivered/served in accordance with the law and that you didn’t do anything that constituted a violation of the order. You would also have to consider your vulnerability to countersuit (a “counterclaim” for damages for “frivolous prosecution,” which is how a lawsuit you brought would be represented by the “million-dollar” lawyer, count on it).
Again, the best course would be to talk to a lawyer. Brief conversations are free. A lawyer could also tell you whether there still exists a means of appealing the court’s ruling. These processes are accelerated, and filing deadlines are always tight. A lawyer would know your state’s laws and what workarounds might exist.
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Reblogged this on falseaccusers.
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Hello! In 2008, we had a housemate that we eventually kicked out after two months. Despite our protests, he arranged to rent an apartment from my landlord, and this man defrauded him and potential tenants out of thousands of dollars via a subletting scam. He showed the same apartment to multiple people, each unaware of the other, pocketed the money, and ran. He later “rented” another home in our city and did the same thing to that owner and potentia’ renters, telling them that he was the owner.
Victims went online and discovered a dozen previous theft and scam victims, going back some 20 years. Outstanding warrants for his arrest existed in three states. This jerk has used different names, falsifies his personal history, affects an English accent, etc. He also affiliates himself with charities and churches to get victims. We created a web blog in order to warn others about him.
In retaliation for this web blog, and to deflect attention away from his thefts, this guy came back to our city in 2010 as a “rape victim”, telling a domestic violence group that he and I had been in an eight year long, same sex “domestic relation” and that I raped and abused him. The domestic violence group asked him for NO proof of ANYTHING. They gave him a free lawyer, a place to stay, and support. I had to go to court. The judge thankfully refused to allow the RO that had been served me. A year later, having had no contact with this fraud whatsoever, I got another RO, and three years later, a third. I was served the third RO after asking a third party to facilitate dialogue between myself and the domestic violence group that represented him, wanting them to right a wrong in hopes of clearing my name. Their response was to contact my accuser and have him request the latest RO. No harassment, stalking, etc. existed on my part. This domestic violence group refuses to admit or believe that they protected fraud who used them, and they refuse to believe that an accused person can be innocent. It’s like Salem, 1692, no different. They believe his every word and coddle him, because defending “rape victims” is their reason for being, even if it means suspending reason to keep that illusion intact.
My accuser is protected. He was relocated to a “safe place”, uses a new name, and is surrounded by idiots who think him to be the nicest person. His theft victims thought that once too. The ease with which one can get an RO is frightening, as are the effects that it can have on the falsely accused. I can’t afford a lawyer, and I’ve contacted rights groups, politicians, etc., none of which want to get involved in anything that might appear to depict them as being soft on abuse and rape. I’d love to learn of a solution to this. This jerk belongs in jail, but he plays the legal system like a violin and has do gooders and court officials jumping through hoops.
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I know exactly what you mean. I’m in court right now and have gone through a similar ordeal that’s cost me years. I’ll try to get back with a more detailed response, Nick. I’ve got a court appearance tomorrow that I’ve got to prep for. I’m really sorry for what you’ve been subjected to.
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Thanks Todd, and good luck with your court appearance. I don’t know if all domestic violence groups are the same, but the one I’m dealing with, according to their website, was founded by a domestic abuse victim and much of its staff are allegedly abuse victims as well. I fail to see how these people can be objective in what they do. I have no doubt that they help people, but they’re driven in personal ways that make “punishing the guilty” their reason for existing, to the point of seeing guilt when none is there. Helping victims for them is intertwined with personal satisfaction and, I think, a high that comes with revenge. When they “get” a rapist and abuser, they vicariously get back at the person who raped or abused THEM. This high feels good, so naturally, they want to keep finding guilty people, to the point of, “You’re guilty because he/she says so.”
When a judge refused to allow my first RO, my accuser blubbered with his fake English accent, put on his sad face, and was hugged in the courtroom by the three domestic violence group supporters who were with him. You could clearly see that the whole thing was PERSONAL for them. With this weird lack of objectivity and detachment, how in hell can fairness and common sense play a part? They’re essentially a legal vigilante group out for blood, even if they do give group hugs to selective people.
Thanks again for taking time out from your schedule to check your blog and comment. Best of luck to you.
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Hats off to you sir for such wise and true words. The law (of restraining orders) was made in the Congress, Senate and the President of USA. Courts and cops are mere tools to implement that law. Unfortunately, the social decline is not the priority of law-makers as the money is. But then, if you see at the rest of the world, USA still got more freedoms than the rest of those 220 nations out there. Something is better than nothing. However, the permanent record of a restraining order MUST be eradicated from that law as it stops men to seek employment. Tragedies happen but after they are over, no reminders or records should be made to serve as a constant torture to people’s lives.
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Thanks, John. Considering the role vindictiveness plays in applications for restraining orders, I can’t help thinking that these orders’ being indefinitely recorded, collected and preserved in databases (police and military), and posted in public registries is an extension of that same vindictive impulse. These orders are all about the sexes and the absolute worst qualities of each of them. Women like wounds to last. And women are the political force behind maintaining the legislative status quo in respect to restraining orders. Maybe as more and more women are victimized by restraining orders, political allegiances will shift. Less social stigma attaches to female restraining order defendants, and women are more comfortable talking about the experience—and are also better social networkers and mobilizers.
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