What Is a Narcissist?

In the general, dictionary sense, a narcissist is someone who seeks out mirrors and is always pretty pleased with what s/he encounters in them. A generic narcissist is a person who thinks s/he’s “all that and a bag of chips.”

A pathological narcissist, however, that is, someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), isn’t just self-infatuated; a pathological narcissist’s brain is wired differently from other people’s. His or her maturation in a number of socially significant ways is neurologically arrested. Unlike the cool or popular kid in high school who experiences a rude awakening when s/he enters adulthood and learns that grownup expectations aren’t satisfied by good cheekbones or a letterman jacket, the pathological narcissist remains morally and emotionally (cognitively) stunted.

The relevantly distinctive traits of a narcissist in the context of abuses of restraining orders—and allegations of such abuses by narcissists bring readers to this blog weekly—are a sense of superiority (which includes being above the law), entitlement to special treatment, delusions of both grandeur and persecution, exploitation of others, an insatiable need for attention, absence of empathy, and vindictive rage when challenged or criticized by others.

Narcissists’ being both glibly charming and unscrupulous in seeking to injure those whom they perceive as threats to their pearl-perfect self-images makes them ideally suited to manipulate the courts toward realizing foul ends.

Psychologist Theodore Millon has proposed five narcissist sub-types:

Themes that run through these definitions are charlatanism, pathological lying, fraudulence, self-indulgence, an extreme sense of self-worth and empowerment, contempt for others, paranoia, and vindictiveness.

The narcissist, in other words, is the restraining order plaintiff from hell.

Narcissists don’t back down, because they have no social conscience to capitulate to, and their malice, once piqued, knows no bounds. They thrive on attention and are virtuosos at poisoning the minds of others. And the ease with which restraining orders are obtained by willful fraud makes restraining orders and narcissists a perfect jigsaw-puzzle fit. A narcissist, furthermore, won’t just lie to persuade a judge that someone s/he has it out for is a threat; s/he’ll persuade others around her that s/he’s in imminent danger and may even convince an employer, for instance, to implement special security protocols to ensure his or her protection. A narcissist is a consummate method actor who lives for an audience.

Consultation of the page on this blog titled, “What Is a Sociopath (or Psychopath)?”, might lead the reader to perceive significant overlaps between sociopaths and narcissists. Indeed some psychologists, for example, Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, readily use the phrase “narcissistic sociopath” to describe a narcissist who exhibits virulent antisocial misconduct (that is, who vigorously abuses others). In her book, The Sociopath Next Door, psychologist Martha Stout distinguishes narcissists from sociopaths this way: sociopaths are without feeling; narcissists feel (even to a pathological extreme) but feel only for themselves. Narcissists are statistically 1/100; sociopaths are 1/25. Both are said to be on the rise, particularly in the West. Consider these headlines in The Huffington Post regarding NPD (especially Tina Swithin’s “Why Our Family Courts are Failing”). Certainly both narcissists and sociopaths are receiving more public scrutiny.

Which is more dangerous? The narcissist. Sociopaths don’t dwell; narcissists will nurse a grudge to the bitter end, never budging an inch, and convince everyone around them that their frauds are completely on the level.

Copyright © 2013 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com

22 thoughts on “What Is a Narcissist?”

  1. I amliving this hell. I am 35 with no criminal record. My husband has been very abusive over the last 6 years. We have a 5 year old a 2 year old and I am 7 months pregnant. He finacially and emotionally beat me down after he found out I went to law enforcement for help. Od course they did nothing. In a low moment of his abuse I lost it and became loud and ripped his shirt. Now I am waiting for a warrant to be issued for domestic violence against me. He is in the home I own with the children. He doesn’t take care of them I do. Currently there is no protection order since charges have not been filed yet. But the probable cause warrant was gicen to prosecuters 89 days ago. I refused to see or speak to police. He secretly taped my outburst. I have never been away from my children. He keeps saying come back then when I do he makes me lwave at some point. I am so tired so bwat down so lost.

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    1. I know exactly how you feel. I went over something similar with my ex. We have two little ones.. and he filed a domestic violence restraining order included my babies.. my heart breaks for you. I know how you feel. What’s worst is that at one point and still I question myself. We meet at the police station because that’s what he wanted … to prove a point. So he wants to control me still. It’s awful. I miss my little ones. I spent a night and two days in jail because of this man.

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  2. I was abused by a narcissistic wife of 30 years. She started by spreading rumors of abuse against me, took all of the money, filed for divorce and then a restraining order.

    The restraining order ended with criminal charges of assault, left with no funds I was forced to plea bargain the assault charge and I am currently on probation. I paid a high price for my escape. I now have my very first violent crime record!

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  3. I was assaulted and injured twice by my roommate who I’ve been friends with for 25 + years. It took me this long to realize what a narcissist is, and he is one. In fact, I would call him a “malignant psychopathic narcissist”. He threatened me if I called the cops, “I’ll put you in a hole so deep they will never find you!”. I already knew he was violent and capable of murder. I just thought he had “Intermittant Explosive Disorder” and PTSD from being a Vietnam Vet. His sister told me he was violent before he went to Vietnam.

    During the time we were friends he ambushed me in the parking lot of the College while I was driving home from class and broke my neck, he strangled my 12 year old daughter and hung her against the wall until her feet stopped, he ambushed a girlfriend of mine because he thought I was there at her house, he stalked me at school, he pissed on my sheep skin covers in my Mercedes covertible several times, he kidnapped my Old English sheep dog and let him loose 10 miles away from my house, he stole cash from me numerous times, he interferred with my business partner and intercepted my money, he sabotaged my car by taking the rotors out, he pushed his last girlfriend out of his truck going 85 miles an hour on the freeway and tried to kill her. She was in an induced coma for months and is now disfigured from it. He told Police, “she jumped out”. He has 5 prior Domestic Violence arrests and one felony assault charge for beating up his step-father. He stole $500,000.00 from his Mother and threatened to kill his sister for suing him. I saw him abuse his 95 year old Mother. She hated him and told me “every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie!” And I heard her tell him, “You aren’t as good as you think you are!” All these things didn’t dawn on me that there was something very wrong with him called “Narcissism”. He gets away with all this because he lies to the Police and will lie to everyone.

    The second time he physically attacked me I called the Police. The cops made me leave, and then he got a fraudulent Order of Protection. I also got a Order of Protection from the court which granted me exclusive use of the house for 5 days so I could move out. But, the police refused to serve my Order of Protection, instead served me his even though the cop knew it was bogus! I was homeless, suicidal, slept in my car for months because I couldn’t get into a Domestic Violence shelter because, “I wasn’t intimatly involved with him”. I was unlawfully locked out, and couldn’t go to the house to collect my property. Instead, several friends of mine tried to get my things, but, he never returned their calls and wouldn’t answer the door. I called him and he agreed to put all my things in storage, which he never did. Then, he moved some girl into my bedroom who he met on FaceBook, and he told me they destroyed all my personal property and my business records, even though she doesn’t know what is mine or what is his.. He said, “I deserved it for calling the cops”. On top of that, I accidently found out he has been filing false Police reports when I was at the records department getting copies of the Police reports. The cops won’t do anything about any of this. He turned all the neighbors against me, and I’ve never even met them. Who knows what else he’s doing…..?

    I ended up being in and out of hospitals for nearly a year. I finally got into a Domestic Violence shelter after trying for 9 months and found out that every time I called the “Hot Line for Domestic Violence” I was being screened by some idiot that didn’t know the statutes and kept telling me there was “no space”. I really suffered.

    So, what can I do except file a civil lawsuit against him and his new “roommate”? I have been looking for a lawyer, but none will take the case because it was an “intentional” act and I can’t afford to pay cash to hire a lawyer. I can try to write a complaint, but, I don’t know how to do this. I need help before the statutes of limitations run out.

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    1. I don’t want to exploit you, Sam, or waste your time, but I would love for you to get in touch with, for example, the National Organization for Women (there may be local chapter where you are) or the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and tell the gals there that this happens and ask for their help.

      My thought is that for all of their pro-women rhetoric, you’d be made to fill out some questionnaire or asked a serious of automatic questions and given the runaround. You don’t fit the profile that makes these groups a whole lot of money.

      feminist_future

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      1. Last week I met my new case manager who used to work as a correctional officer at Perryville. Then she worked as a parole officer, and now a counselor. She asked me questions about the circumstances of my case. She said something is wrong. I know there is. Scottsdale Police asked me why this guy isn’t in jail? Other lawyers, investigators and personal friends of mine in the law enforcement business asked the same question. Ask Mesa Police. Or could it be that my roommate’s best friend is a ex-cop? He is always on the spot, and in Court with my roommate. I think there is some kind of fraud going on. The cops came into my house while no one was home without a search warrant and searched the house and stole my tape recorder that I was using to record my roommates narcissistic rages. I complained to Internal Affairs, and they did nothing. I have almost 200 tape recordings of the Police and of other conversations with my roommate. They want copies of those tapes. No thanks.

        I called the Mesa Cheif of Police, the County Attorney, the Senators Office, etc., and the very next day I got a call from one of their Mesa PD’s Leutinents demanding I tell him “who told me to call the Chief? Who told me to call the County Attorney!” And then the same day I received an email from him with his reasons 1 – 10, why he will NEVER (in capital letters) arrest him. He was so intimidating I stopped trying.

        I changed my mind and am going for the throat. I’ll expose all this to the media. I think my civil rights have been violated. And, I’d like to see his ex-girlfriend who he threw out of the truck get justice. She wants to confront him. So do I.

        By the way, I did contact the Coaliltion Against Domestic Violence, and every other agency I could find, and no one has any help for me. I should be able to find a lawyer who is Plaintiff friendly you’d think. Especially since, my roommate has money. Millions.

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        1. So the guy kind of thinks of himself as God? Money can buy a lot of loyalty. Do you have a recording of this one-through-10 business from the cop? I’ll post it myself if you want. You’re in Arizona, clearly, so keep in the back of your mind that law officers here are “public officials.” Remember that phrase, Sam. Godbehere v. Phoenix Newspapers, Inc., 162 Ariz. 335, 343 (Ariz. 1989).

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          1. I think he feels he is above the law since he can lie his way to freedom. Cops won’t do anything. Look what he has done! He tried to kill his forer girlfriend, and he tried to kill me and threatened to kill me. I know if he knew where I was, he would be staulking me, and sabotaging my car or worse. He always does.

            I was told that Mesa PD is owned by the Mormons. This might be the reason why no arrests for the abuser, and the women have no protection at all. In fact in my case, I am treated like I’m the abuser. The cops have called me names, the reports are inconsistent, they won’t even acknowledge he has been filing false Police reports.

            And….I was sexually assaulted by the paramedic in the ambulance on the way to the hospital while I was unconscience and the Mesa cops did nothing about it, in fact farmed the case to Chandler and couldn’t give me a straight answer why they did that. Then I find out that the molester is Mormon. He committed a felony, but no arrests were made. The Chandler investigator was also weird. He kept putting off delivering me the Police report almost to the end of the statute of limitations for me to file a suit. I waited 11 months when they told me the report would be ready in 2 weeks..… I have one tape recording of the Chandler investigator falsely accussing me of having been arrested for drugs! Huh??? I wasn’t arrested! I moved to San Diego and on the way, I was pulled over. And that cop stole all my money! Another cop said to me, “Aren’t you schizophrenic?!!” (I tape recorded that one.) There’s more to this story. It gets worse. I think I should go after the cops for Civil Rights violations. They totally treated me unfairly.

            The 1 – 10 business you are referring to is not a recording, it’s an email. Yes I have a copy. You want it?

            Can you help me find a legal assistant to help me write this lawsuit? I’d like to have a lawyer, but they only take high profile cases it seems. I feel like nobody cares, and no one can understand how violent a person he is because, he’s such a generous guy, and is a good friend to have. He’s helpful, but, the other side of it is something I never want to see again. He’s scary. A certified killer. One of the Police reports listed his “hands” as a dangerous weapon.

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  4. I LIVE IN SOUTHWEST FLORIDA. I GOT MARRIED ALMOST FOUR YEARS AGO. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSING ME FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS. THIS ALL CAME TO AN ABRUPT STOP AFTER WE WERE BOTH WATCHING A MOVIE AND DRINKING WINE. HE HAS AN EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS SON FROM HIS FIRST MARRIAGE. HE HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME AND SHOWN ME THAT HE COMES FIRST. WE HAVE TWO SMALL BABIES TOGETHER. WE HAD AN ARGUMENT WHERE HE STARTED TO VERBALLY ASSAULT ME. RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS 13 YEAR OLD SON. I WANTED TO LEAVE TO MIAMI BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME HOUSE AS HE WAS. I LEFT EVERYTHING BEHIND FOR HIM. I HAVE VERY FEW FRIENDS UP HERE SO THE ONLY OTHER PLACE I CAN GO TO IS MIAMI. I ASKED HIM TO STOP. HE KEPT ON CALLING ME THESE HORRIBLE NAMES AND SHOUTING PROFANITIES AT ME. AT ONE POINT WE WERE IN OUR BEDROOM AND HE KEPT TELLING ME TO GET THE F&*! OUT OF HIS HOME THAT I WAS A WHORE. I PLEADED HIM TO STOP, I GRABBED THE SLEEVE OF HIS TSHIRT AND HE MOVED HIS ARM AWAY AND HE DRAGGED ME THROUGH THE FLOOR. I SCRATCHED HIS ARM WHEN I WENT DOWN. I STILL PLEADED WITH HIM TO STOP. I KEPT CRYING. HE SAID HE WAS LEAVING TO A HOTEL, HE GRABBED HIS SON. I HAD THE BABIES IN THE CAR PARKED BY OUR MAIL BOX. HE TEXT MY FAMILY AND TOLD THEM I WAS DRUNK OUT OF MY MIND THAT I HAD ASSAULTED HIM. I LEFT AND WAITED FOR MY FAMILY AND THE SHOPPING CENTER ACROSS OUR COMMUNITY. HE KEPT ON WITH THE THREATS ABOUT CALLING THE POLICE AND TELLING THEM I KIDNAPPED OUR BABIES, HOW HE WAS GOING TO SEND ME TO JAIL. AND TAKE THE KIDS FROM ME. I CALLED THE POLICE BECAUSE I WANTED TO PICK UP A FEW THINGS FROM THE HOUSE FOR ME AND THE BABIES. HE CALLED THEM AND TOLD THEM I HAD ASSAULTED HIM. THEY ARRESTED ME. I HAVE NEVER BEEN AWAY FROM THE BABIES. I STOPPED WORKING AFTER I GOT PREGNANT FROM OUR FIRST SON AND STARTED WORKING FOR OUR FAMILY BUSINESS. I BEEN THE BABY’S PRIMARY CARE TAKER UNTIL HE WANTED ME TO FIND A NANNY SO I COULD WORK MORE HOURS IN OUR BUSINESS. I BEEN THE ONE THAT IS ALWAYS AT HOME WITH THE BABIES.
    I WAS IN JAIL FOR TWO DAYS AND ONE NIGHT. AFTER LEAVING JAIL I HAD A RESTRAINING ORDER WHICH MEANT I COULDN’T GO HOME. THE ONLY CONTACT WAS THROUGH A THIRD PARTY AND ONLY ABOUT THE KIDS. AT FIRST HE SOUNDED ALMOST REGRETFUL. AS THE DAYS WENT BY WE HAD AN AGREEMENT ABOUT THE BABIES. HE THEN WANTED TO KEEP OUR TODDLER FOR TWO NIGHTS A WEEK EVEN THOUGH HE HAD BOTH BABIES DURING THE DAY MONDAY TO FRIDAY. I HAD TO AGREED BECAUSE I WAS SCARED THAT HE WAS GOING TO KEEP THE BABIES. THE SECOND WEEK HE DID THE SAME BUT GOT MAD BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE OUR TODDER TO THE DOCTOR. HE STARTED THREATENED ME WITH KEEPING OUR TODDLER LONGER. HE DIDN’T DO THE SAME FOR OUR SEVEN MONTH OLD BECAUSE SHE’S A BREASTFED BABY.
    LAST FRIDAY HE ASKED IF WE HAD THE SAME SCHEDULE FOR THE WEEK. I SAID YES. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET THEM SUNDAY. WHEN OUR THIRD PARTY ASKED ABOUT IT ON SUNDAY HE TOLD HIM THAT THE BABIES WOULD STATY WITH HIM FOR MOST OF THE WEEK. I CALLED A LAWYER TO FILE FOR DIVORCE. HE IS CONSTANTLY USING THE BABIES TO CONTROL ME.
    HE FILED A TEMPORARY INUCTION AGAINST ME AND INCLUDED THE KIDS. HE TOOK MY BABIES. HE LIED TO GET THIS IN PLACE. I NEED HELP. MY 7 MONTH OLD IS A BREASTFED BABY AND SHE DOESN’T DRINK FORMULA. I DON’T KNOW WHEN I AM GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE MY BABIES.

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    1. Melissa Harvey has started a nonprofit in neighboring Georgia, Izabella, to help with situations like yours. She’s still putting things together, but she might be able to offer some help or advice. I’ve talked with Melissa, and she’s a very warm person. The number on the foundation page goes straight through to her.

      Kayden Jayce Foundation
      http://www.kaydenjaycefoundation.org/

      Chris Tucker, who administers Restraining Order Blog, lives in Florida and may also have a referral to offer. An email address for Chris is on the site.

      http://www.restrainingorderblog.com/

      A divorce/family attorney is probably who you should talk to. Injunctions don’t prevent you from getting counsel. Money may limit you, but don’t let that stop you from inquiring with lawyers. You have rights as a wife and mom.

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    2. Oh my. This situation is very similar to mine. My spouse took our daughter from daycare, filed a restraining order and multiple lies with his boss/mistress in court stating I tried to run him over. The State gave him my daughter. I got charged with assault, charges dismissed. Now I’m in court fighting to get my daughter back into my custody. I got an attorney Amanda I suggest you do the same. How to deal with a narcissist is no contact and if so make sure you have a witness. These people are extremely manipulative. I found emails of sexual content of my spouse and his boss, boss ended up fired. He was only using her to get him promoted and sexual favors.

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      1. I feel you. I am really frustrated. He still is pulling the strings and is using the system to hurt me. He has left me destitute and I have no more money for the lawyer fees. I don’t know what else to do. I am half way done with the anger management classes that of course don’t need. He feels all powerful.

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  5. why am i having such a hard time obtaining a elderly abuse order against the woman that has a restraining order against me?

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    1. Are there recent circumstances you could cite? I think you’d probably need to tell the judge something besides that you feel apprehensive or that something in the past (before her injunction) made you uneasy.

      This is a game, not a process that honors reason, honesty, logic, or decency.

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  7. I should also add in my case the RO gave my Ex amble opportunity to remove over 75% of our personal property and assets from our home and hide monies. When I returned home he left me with less than I came into the marriage with. Additionally he did significant damage to our home and property. It cost me thousands of dollars to repair the damage.

    The RO gave him the opportunity to emotionally and financially rape me and my family….and our Country paid to support this.

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  8. I can’t begin to express how this blog has validated what I just went through and am still trying to pick up the pieces from the wreckage. My now Ex suffers from NPD and our 10 year relationship/marriage was a struggle to say the least. I have clinical testing to support this diagnosis which seems to be of no value in the courts.

    These individuals resort to using the law when you won’t tolerate their abusive behavior anymore. This blog is so on target with how they use the system to inflict pain, exploit, and get revenge on their target.

    I am in full support of changing the judicial process that governs restraining orders. To read our country spends over $4B annually and 80% is waste because the RO’s are unnecessary or based on false allegations is beyond comprehension. This does not even take into account the financial and emotional costs inflicted on the innocent parties.

    It’s just another weapon that needs to be disarmed from the personality disordered aresenal. My heart goes out to all those that have to been exposed to this type of brutality.

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    1. Clinicians talk about abuses of divorce and child custody procedures by narcissists, but they don’t really perceive how effective a weapon a simple restraining order is or how perfectly abusing one suits the aptitudes and inclinations of the narcissistic brain: lying, theatrics, and vindictive malice. Thanks, Karrie, for the validation of your own commentary and truly best wishes with mending, which I know involves a good deal more than can be accomplished with the help of a rake or a building contractor.

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  10. How about the non-Narcissist Plaintiff going up against a Narcissist Defendant? By reading this fabulous Blog, sometimes an RO is needed, despite the attempts to use ROs as a weapon or preemptive tool. In my case, I simply don’t feel safe and need to have something on record for my family in case something happens. I know a piece of paper won’t save me, but then a marriage certificate doesn’t insure fidelity, a college degree does not guarantee professional success, etc.

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    1. Many search engine queries that bring people here concern getting a restraining order against a narcissist. And at least one respondent agonized for months about whether to apply for a restraining order or not. What I told her is getting one is an easy matter but that this action will ensure that your name is tattooed on the narcissist’s brain.

      Here are some short essays on the subject of narcissistic malice by Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi:

      “Narcissistic Vengeance Has No Boundaries”

      “Narcissists Hold Deep Grudges”

      “Narcissists—Don’t Expect Formal Justice or Punishment”

      “Sociopathic Narcissists—Don’t Wait for Formal Justice in This Lifetime“

      “Malicious Narcissists—Convincing Others You Are at Fault or Crazy”

      “Sociopathic Narcissists—Relentlessly Cruel”

      “Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Use, Abuse, Dispose”

      “Narcissist—Sweet Revenge”

      “Narcissist’s Cycles of Revenge”

      Dr. Martinez-Lewi is apparently revamping her website, or it’s in transition, so if you get a “404 (Page Not Found)” error for any of these, do a Google search or go to the source: The Narcissist in Your Life.

      Alternatively, you’ll find a number of other specialist commentaries (and victim testimonials) online that of course orbit around the same themes: attention-seeking, exhibitionism, pathological lying, vengeance, criminal mischief (including fraud and perjury), etc.

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