The narcissist is a study in distortion.
You’d think someone as intently preoccupied with mirrors as the narcissist is would be brutally self-critical. You’d be mistaken, though. The narcissist exalts him- or herself, very possibly in defiance of a host of reasons not to. This isn’t to say the narcissist is immune to negative judgments; it’s to say that instead of responding to reproaches as normal people do and adapting or modifying his or her behavior and perspectives accordingly, the narcissist resents and would have others adapt their perspectives to match his or hers instead.
The narcissist has a distorted sense of his or her own self-worth, distorts perceived slights or criticisms into monstrous proportions, and endeavors to distort others’ perceptions of those who dared to “criticize.”
The temptation is to say that narcissists are masters of both deception and self-deception. “Mastery,” however, implies skill. Narcissists can’t help lying. It’s a propensity to which they’re enslaved. It can therefore hardly be called a talent.
Increasing numbers of visitors to this blog are brought here because they’ve had a brush with one of these piteous people, and it’s damaged them badly.
There’s an attractiveness to detecting mental illness or personality disorders in people who’ve injured us, because it provides us with a label, a way to quantify and qualify misconduct that’s otherwise inexplicable to a normal mind. Typically visitors to this blog have been victims of false allegations leveled publicly, often through the courts, and they’ve discovered the difficulty of exposing the motives of frauds committed by the mentally aberrant: they don’t make sense.
Distortion is very effective at poisoning the minds of others, particularly authorities and judges, because they in particular have no reason to suspect and have been trained to chasten any suspicions they might naturally have of accusers. Suspicion is what they’re supposed to reserve for the accused.
If this sounds backwards, that’s because it is.
Everything to do with narcissists distills to distortion. Narcissists evince all outward signs of plausibility, and outward signs are all most people attend to. Hence narcissists readily induce others to join them in their altered perspectives.
Scrutinize a photograph of a narcissist, and what you may detect in his or her eyes is not only a consciousness of being looked at but a degree of excitement approaching sexual thrill. Those eyes are hotly relishing the attention and may almost seem prehensile, as if they’re not just trying to make an impression but trying to grab the viewer by the collar. A significant measure of what’s called a narcissist’s “magnetism” borders on coercion.
Narcissists have the power of utter faith in their convictions, and they’re no less convinced of falsehoods than normal people are of truths. Their faith in their own frauds is contagious, because most people only perceive lies that are told abashedly, and narcissists are immune to shame and self-rebuke. The mentally ill (i.e., crazy people) are correspondently convincing, because to them illusions of the mind are real. The parallel is telling.
I once read a biography of Ayn Rand that cited an instance of the philosopher’s being thrown into a fit of pique, because someone had caused her to doubt her perceptions (she called her method Objectivism, a word based on objectivity, which means perception of the world honestly and without preconceived notions). Had she ever fallen prey to a narcissist, she’d have probably throttled the mendacious wretch purple.
Copyright © 2013 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
TALKING BACK to restraining orders 
Your blog as been my only source of comfort in dealing with my current situation with a man I’ve called my “boyfriend” (I use the quotations only because I have difficulty believing ANYTHING this man says)of the past 4 years.
Since I first attempted to leave him ayear ago,he first began following me everywhere I went.When I filed for a restraining order,he also filed for one.Since he was willing to lie about “being afraid of me” as per the judges instructions,while I stuck simply to the facts,he recieved a restraining order against me.
Twice since then he has asked me to take him back.As have so very many peopled,made stupid through years of systematic abuse,I took him back.I wound up in jail as a result.He even admitted to the arresting officer that he’d lied to me about removing the order.He suffered no consiquences.
As of today,it’s been 4 days since I last made contact with him,as I learned that his newest claim to have removed the order was just as false as the last.
I feel like a moron because I really truely love and pity him.He seems convinced of his own lies and unable to stop lying.He is mentally ill.As a psycology student I almost feel a compulsion to study him.However,I have put far too much work into repairing the damage done to my life from having trusted him.
Why would he keep on asking me to take him back,yet keep the restraining order in effect?Is it so that he can have me arrested at will should I ever dare to defy his wishes again?That seems to be the only logical answer.I would greatly appreciate any feedback on this matter.
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I think you’ve answered your own question, Natasha, but I’m glad to second your emotion: There doesn’t seem to be any basis for further trust. I hesitate to qualify that, because there’s a real danger of your suffering being escalated and compounded if you’re not able to decisively step back, but the truth is it’s hard to tweeze out impulse from malicious intent. People with narcissistic personality disorder, for instance, not only live for occasions to generate drama and attention; they really do want to crush the targets of their wrath. Other people who abuse these state processes may not be literally soulless or amoral. They get angry, feel betrayed, want to lash out or hurt back, and the snowball becomes the avalanche. People who under other circumstances may be honest become so invested in lies that those lies take on a reality. Or they find a way to justify them. The state machine doesn’t care. It gives it something to do.
Best wishes, at least, for a quiet holiday.
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Follow-up thoughts: The other thing to think about is that the guy may feel his only hold over you is the restraining order. Be wary of this. Many people report that restraining order plaintiffs have basically used the order they petitioned to coerce their victims into doing what they want (which is, of course, what a restraining order is legitimately for). One man who wrote in a couple of months ago had his business embezzled and records stolen by his ex-wife or -girlfriend. He felt powerless to defy her. She used the restraining order as leverage to control him. Another recent respondent to the blog reported she was being coerced into renewing sexual relations with the boyfriend who swore out a restraining order against her. (The state also uses restraining orders as tools of coercion.)
Regarding your studies, Natasha, there’s definitely a rich vein to mine here, and I’d be glad to talk to you about aspects of the abuse of restraining orders vis-à-vis psychology. And it’s all about psychology. You could write a dissertation on the subject. I’ll work up something comprehensive about this after I’ve addressed something I’ve been meaning to speak to: that as far as the court is concerned, there are no such things as false allegations. This may interest you as a student of the mind: no one whom I’ve talked to about their cases, even people who’ve succeeded in overturning restraining order rulings, has ever reported that a judge acknowledged that a plaintiff engaged in perjury or otherwise lied to the court. (This owes in part to psychology and in part to politics: plausible deniability.)
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I try to read everything you write, and it is mostly great writing. I got called down by the great Eugene Volokh, the Law Professor, for ranting. I guess I do rant sometimes, because I feel like no one is hearing us, like we are voices crying in the wilderness. The best we can do is keep on trying to expose this gigantic fraud worked on innocent men, and often innocent women too. The restraining order business is just a racket, plain and simple.
Carry on, young man. I am an old codger, but still kicking.
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Thanks, Larry! You keep givin’ ’em hell. If Mr. Volokh’s and his colleagues’ voices were more effective, we could do the jobs we were meant to do, instead of theirs. God knows I’d rather be contemplating and celebrating beauty than directing traffic in the cesspit that eminent jurists have failed to clean up in 30 years.
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