“Court is perfectly suited to the fantasies of someone with a personality disorder: There is an all-powerful person (the judge) who will punish or control the other [person]. The focus of the court process is perceived as fixing blame—and many with personality disorders are experts at blame. There is a professional ally who will champion their cause (their attorney—or if no attorney, the judge) […]. Generally, those with personality disorders are highly skilled at—and invested in—the adversarial process.
“Those with personality disorders often have an intensity that convinces inexperienced professionals—counselors and attorneys—that what they say is true. Their charm, desperation, and drive can reach a high level in this very emotional bonding process with the professional. Yet this intensity is a characteristic of a personality disorder, and is completely independent from the accuracy of their claims.”
—William (Bill) Eddy (1999)
Contemplating these statements by therapist, attorney, and mediator Bill Eddy should make it clear how perfectly the disordered personality and the restraining order click. Realization of the high-conflict person’s fantasies of punishment and control is accomplished as easily as making some false or histrionically hyped allegations in a few-minute interview with a judge.
Contemplating these statements should also make clear the all-but-impossible task that counteracting the fraudulent allegations of high-conflict people can pose, both because disordered personalities lie without compunction and because they’re intensely invested in domination, blaming, and punishment.
Lying may be justified in their eyes—possibly to bring a reconciliation. (This can be quite convoluted, like the former wife who alleged child sexual abuse so that her ex-husband’s new wife would divorce him and he would return to her—or so she seemed to believe.) Or lying may be justified as a punishment in their eyes.
As Mr. Eddy explains in a related article (2008):
Courts rely heavily on “he said, she said” declarations, signed “under penalty of perjury.” However, a computer search of family law cases published by the appellate courts shows only one appellate case in California involving a penalty for perjury: People v. Berry (1991) 230 Cal. App. 3d 1449. The penalty? Probation.
Perjury is a criminal offense, punishable by fine or jail time, but it must be prosecuted by the District Attorney, who does not have the time. [J]udges have the ability to sanction (fine) parties but no time to truly determine that one party is lying. Instead, they may assume both parties are lying or just weigh their credibility. With no specific consequence, the risks of lying are low.
High-conflict fraudsters, in other words, get away with murder—or at least character assassination (victims of which eat themselves alive). Lying is a compulsion of personality disorders and is typical of high-conflict disordered personalities: borderlines, antisocials, narcissists, and histrionics.
When my own life was derailed eight years ago, I’d never heard the phrase personality disorder. Five years later, when I started this blog, I still hadn’t. My interest wasn’t in comprehension; it was to recover my sanity and cheer so I could return to doing what was dear to me. I’m sure most victims are led to do the same and never begin to comprehend the motives of high-conflict abusers.
I’ve read Freud, Lacan, and some other abstruse psychology texts, because I was trained as a literary analyst, and psychological theories are sometimes used by textual critics as interpretive prisms. None of these equipped me, though, to understand the kind of person who would wantonly lie to police officers and judges, enlist others in smear campaigns, and/or otherwise engage in dedicatedly vicious misconduct.
What my collegiate training did provide me with, though, is a faculty for discerning patterns and themes, and it has detected patterns and themes that have been the topics of much of the grudging writing I’ve done in this blog.
Absorbing the explications of psychologists and dispute mediators after having absorbed the stories of many victims of abuse of court process, I’ve repeatedly noticed that the two sources mutually corroborate each other.
Not long ago, I approached the topic of what I called “group-bullying,” because it’s something I’ve been subject to and because many others had reported to me (and continue to report) being subject to the same: sniping by multiple parties, conspiratorial harassment, derision on social media, false reports to employers and rumor-milling, fantastical protestations of fear and apprehension, etc.
The other day, I encountered the word mobbing applied by a psychologist to the same behavior, a word that says the same thing much more crisply.
Quoting Dr. Tara Palmatier (see also the embedded hyperlinks, which I’ve left in):
If you’re reading this, perhaps you’ve been or currently are the Target of Blame of a high-conflict spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, ex, colleague, boss, or stranger(s). Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of mobbing (bullying by a group instigated by one or two ringleaders) and/or a smear campaign or distortion campaign of a high-conflict person who has decided you’re to blame for her or his unhappiness. It’s a horrible position to be in, particularly because high-conflict individuals don’t seem to ever stop their blaming and malicious behaviors.
A perfect correspondence. And what more aptly describes the victim of restraining order abuse than “Target of Blame”?
This phrase in turn is found foremost on the website of the High Conflict Institute, founded by Bill Eddy, whom I opened this post by quoting:
Restraining orders are seldom singled out or fully appreciated for the torture devices they are by those who haven’t been intensively made aware of their unique potential to upturn or trash lives, but the victims who comment on this and other blogs, petitions, and online forums are saying the same things the psychologists and mediators are, and they’re talking about the same perpetrators.
Judges understand blaming. That’s their bailiwick and raison d’être. They may even understand false blaming much better than they let on. What they don’t understand, however, is false blaming as a pathological motive.
Quoting “Strategies and Methods in Mediation and Communication with High Conflict People” by Duncan McLean, which I highlighted in the last post:
Emotionally healthy people base their feelings on facts, whereas people with high conflict personalities tend to bend the facts to fit what they are feeling. This is known as “emotional reasoning.” The facts are not actually true, but they feel true to the individual. The consequence of this is that they exhibit an enduring pattern of blaming others and a need to control and/or manipulate.
There are no more convenient expedients for realizing the compulsions of disordered personalities’ emotional reasoning and will to divert blame from themselves and exert it on others than restraining orders, which assign blame before the targets of that blame even know what hit them.
Returning to the concept of “mobbing” (and citing Dr. Palmatier), consider:
The group victimization of a single target has several goals, including demeaning, discrediting, alienating, excluding, humiliating, scapegoating, isolating and, ultimately, eliminating the targeted individual.
Group victimization can be the product of a frenzied horde. But it can also be accomplished by one pathologically manipulative individual…and a judge.
Copyright © 2014 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
TALKING BACK to restraining orders 
Hello,
Thank you for this website, I feel like I’m not alone anymore. My family and friends I had before all this began have slowly gone away, mostly because they are sick of hearing about it. I can’t let it go because I haven’t received the justice I deserve. I have been “mobbed” since 2019 and it goes on and on. One woman with one thing on her mind…money. This person has made a life for herself by suing innocent people for everything they have with absolutely no consequences. You need to add “whistleblowing” as one of there tactics to gain protection from law enforcement, District Attorneys office and Public defenders. At this level this person has free reign to do what needs to be done for her income to support herself. This person is buried in judgments totaling over $200,000, she pays no taxes and yet receives full protection with my tax paying dollars. I feel so violated and can’t afford to move away from my violator that lives next door to me. This person lost her case against me and paid my attorneys fees but has now turned her focus onto a family member that lives here with me. Yesterday we received yet another restrainting order filed with one of her Alia’s names and we believe she is using a false social security number to allude the court system of being exposed of previous restraint orders in other names. The community I live in now was once a wonderful place to live, my family had been in this community for over 25 years. I dread coming home. We put curtains up on our porch for privacy and we are isolated and no longer considered part of this community. There is no end insight in fact we have received several notices of eviction and this last accusation of bodily injury I’m sure seals the deal with management (part of the mob) to start eviction process. I have never experienced such hatred in my life. I feel like we are “Ukraine” and they are “Russia”, it’s a modern day lynching in an all white community. As angry and hurt as I am, I wouldn’t wish this pain on any one of them or anyone else for that matter. I look forward to getting more into this site for answers. Thank you so much for this platform to say what I’ve been through with restraining order abuse.
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Sorry for the belated reply. Absolutely appeal the orders in person. If this woman is using a fraudulent name, there’s a good chance she won’t even show for the hearing(s). If you get an order or orders vacated, then you can turn the tables and sue her if you want. Self-representation only costs court fees. You may convince a judge to grant you an order based on frivolous and fraudulent claims, which certainly constitute harassment. I’m not an attorney, so this doesn’t represent legal counsel. It’s what I would think about. There may be laws in your jurisdiction about frivolous litigation.
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This is also called vexatious litigation or abusive litigation. See: https://legalvoice.org/abusive-litigation/
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Quoting the website I sent a link to above, the court can issue an Order Restricting Abusive Litigation, which can:
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Thank you for all the good advice. I will let you know of any progress
Sent from the all new AOL app for iOS
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Good luck, Karen. Stay safe.
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You might consider going to the courthouse with all of the injured parties, presenting your evidence, and applying for an order of protection to stop further filings by this woman. But to gain some credibility with the court, I think you should really try to appeal the orders and win by showing the woman has acted in bad faith, misrepresented facts, and behaved fraudulently toward the court. If you are not automatically given a court date to appeal an order in your jurisdiction, you can call the court to ask for instructions or to request a court date. If language is at all a barrier, try to request an interpreter, too.
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And don’t hesitate to play the race card if it can serve you. Discrimination is a loaded word a judge should take seriously.
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A former teacher touched me and I filed a complaint on him to the school. After that he put a restraining order on me and lied to police that I was his ex girlfriend. This happened last year. Now this year I contacted the Tennessee board of regents again and they investigate it and ask both of us questions. He confessed that he touched me and he never dated me. I can’t do anything because i have another order of protection from him. I have the documents from the board of regents. Do I wait until I go back to court in April and show the judge or what?
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With an attorney’s help, K., you might be able to accelerate a conclusion. This all gets so knotty, and the arguments of self-represented defendants are often discounted by judges. Clearly the original order was based on fraud (and motivated by fear of exposure), and since the subsequent order was no doubt obtained in large part thanks to the former order, it should be deemed invalid, too. Judges hate to backpedal, though, and the one you get could do something like dismiss the first order and uphold the second one. Who knows.
Even if the current order is based on actions of yours inspired by being lied about (which I can relate to), the court should still recognize that ultimate culpability lies with the teacher. He set this in motion.
The conclusions of the board of regents should be very influential. Maybe they could stand on their own. If you could swing the cost of legal representation, though, it would give you the surest shot at clearing this up. Realizing actual justice for having a year of your life soured with this is probably beyond hope, but at least you might get it off your back and off your record, too.
Consider at least consulting with some attorneys (without making any monetary commitment) and seeing what they might be able to do for you (you can sometimes talk with a lawyer just by making a phone call). Blessedly you have some time. Shop around and find one you have faith in. Everything legal is intimidating, and people who’ve been wrongly accused are so immediately grateful for anyone’s saying, “I believe you.” Make sure you feel confident in your choice.
Then move heaven and earth to come up with the needed cash would be my advice (parents, friends, relatives—tap any source you can). A lawyer might even be able to motivate the teacher to drop the whole thing without your ever having to return to court.
Meanwhile, obviously, steer clear of the teacher. I’d counsel you, too, not to talk about the matter or otherwise aggravate the situation. How out of line was the touch, incidentally? By “former,” do you mean he was formerly your teacher or formerly a teacher and now something else? If he’s still a teacher, were there any professional consequences to him for the cover-up? It’s amazing how effective being able to say, “I had to get a restraining order,” can cast a long, dark shadow over the person who was misused even when the abuser later owns his or her misconduct. People seriously don’t get how traumatizing lies and the intrusions of judges and cops that they motivate are. You may feel otherwise, but to me the lengths to conceal the action are far worse than the action itself. Lying to police officers and the court (both of them statutory crimes) should be grounds for the school to let the teacher go even if the touch weren’t grounds for dismissal.
Many prominent stories about instructors who teach minors have appeared in the last year or so, instructors who were falsely accused (or accused on silly bases). They’re put through hell. Instructors who teach adults can get restraining orders, and that immediately shifts credibility and sentiment their way.
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can i request an assessment order on him
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You mean instead of a criminal prosecution? Who’s “him”?
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HELP! I am going thru HELL, some background, my wife has been locked up before we met for a 3 day mental hold for suicide, we had a very intense relationship she told me if I ever left her she would kill herself and made a couple attempts things were great for the most part I did find out she was burning herself with cigarettes on days we argued, during the 3 years of us being together she was the most loving, caring person I ever known. 3 years later thou she started to pull away saying she wanted to move out to find herself, this was totally not here. I had no control over this I asked if there was another person involved and she said no, I found out that she was having a affair with a old coworker. she immediately wanted a divorce I tried to work things out, I love/loved this women she had divorce papers drawn up and said if I did not sign them she would file a restraining order and then upgrade it to a stalking order which would affect my profession. She was blackmailing me. I refused I went and saw a judge they would not do anything since she did not fiscally threaten me.
She threatened me again and I told her I spoke to a judge and she could F@# off I thought this ended it..,… She left things alone then 2 weeks later we got in a argument and the next day her car tire was slashed at work, I was at work and had witness of my where about but the judge granted her a temporary restraining order, I hired a attorney and he went to court for me and got her to change it to a mutual no contact order she went for it but she was not expecting me to have attorney approach her in court. I thought things were OK. but now it has started all over she is saying that I have done something, not sure what and she has now she has hired attorney and she is going for stalking again.. I still cant comprehend this women who said that she would kill herself if I left her trying to destroy my life.
some facts,
She is a psychologist— she is using this to her advantage saying I a delusional and on drugs and I am delusions are escalating
Mental health runs in her family
Her father abandoned her
she is on or was mental health medications high doses
for some reason she wants to wreck my employment status, make me unemployable she has even told me that
I have never threatened her of any way, I have tried for us to see a therapist to work things out.
HELP
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I substituted your initial for your name, because it’s distinctive and could easily be found with Google. Comments on the Internet are very handily represented as “stalking” and “harassment” (though I think yours is fairly sympathetic).
You might want to investigate borderline personality disorder (BPD), Sky. I’m not a psychologist, but I’ve read a lot both about personality disorders and high-conflict litigants (who are often people with personality disorders). The blaming, lying, false allegations, identity crisis, suicide/self-injury threats, etc. point toward BPD. Someone like Dr. Tara Palmatier (see various of her explications in the bibliography to the right) could give you a formal (and nuanced) diagnosis and provide you with some coping strategies. Her site is Shrink4Men.com. She is a psychologist, and she consults by phone or Skype.
BPs and other disordered personalities are prone to something called “splitting,” which means they love you when they love you—and when they hate you, they hate you to extremity. It’s black-or-white thinking. There’s no middle-ground. And their malice can be relentless.
There can also be a degree of paranoia that informs the perspectives of people like this. They easily convince themselves of the righteousness of their actions, and their lying can almost be reflexive or subconscious. They know they’re lying, but they don’t feel they’re lying.
The kinds of false allegations they make are cataloged here: “BPD Distortion Campaigns.” You’ll see some correspondence with what’s been alleged against you.
See also this seminar about high-conflict litigants: “High Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders.” It explains why court process and high-conflict people are a match made in hell.
You attorney should be able to subpoena your wife’s medical records. They’re obviously relevant. If the attorney you have isn’t a divorce attorney, you might consider talking with one, because a divorce attorney will likely have heard stories like this before. Certainly divorce attorneys understand abuse of court process to coerce. You might even find one who understands what high-conflict people are.
Clearly since your wife’s a psychologist, she knows exactly how to portray you convincingly in a false light, that is, she knows what words to use, what symptoms to claim you exhibit, etc. (and what sorts of lies to tell, accordingly).
I think it’ll be essential to your defense to discredit her motives and her own mental health. For that you’ll probably want to assemble what evidence is available (records and third-party testimony) and get an independent psych evaluation. You might be wise to make this a priority, because establishing criminal allegations of stalking isn’t particularly difficult. The “mutual” no-contact order should at least incline a judge and/or authorities to view your wife’s allegations with a degree of suspicion and consider both sides.
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I was so lucky to get a judge who could discern the truth. I mean from the beginning, before anyone said a word. He asked me if I was the complaintant. I said no. He scratched his head and asked “Are you sure?” I gave my testimony. Then my sister put her witness up. One problem, my sisters witnesses testimony was exactly the same as mine. [oops. sister forgot to tell her witness to lie] The judge ruled against her, and yelled at her for about 10 minutes.
It still really hurts. She had vowed to destroy me decades earlier and had pretty much never relented. The day she filed was a few hours after we discovered I have aggressive breast cancer.
My sister is an rn in a cancer center. I always worry that she causes suffering to her patients dying from cancer if they dare not worship her.I worried about this for years even before my diagnosis.And there is not anything I can do about it. I mean I can’t just say “check out my sister. She is a true montster.”
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I can’t tell you how well I understand you, Vicky. My mother was undergoing chemo for breast cancer when the sick pranks that motivated this blog were played on me by some people who bear a striking correspondence to your sister. People like this aren’t answerable to a moral compass; they’re voids. It’s disturbing, though, like you say, how adeptly they pass as normal—or even compassionate. Maybe you could raise the matter with one of your doctors in confidence. What you tell your physician, s/he’s obligated not to betray (at least not as coming from you).
Congratulations. You won! Probably only someone like your sister could tell herself, “I won,” and dismiss the matter from her mind, but I hope you’re able to scrub it from your horizon and focus on healing. Please investigate some dietary interventions, especially if the prognosis given to you by your doctors isn’t promising. What you feed your body with and how you feed it is big. A lot of breast cancer survivors used diet to recover.
Deep breathing, which I’m typically too agitated to faithfully practice, is very calming and cleansing. Just sit comfortably, inhale and exhale deeply and slowly, and receive everything passively without letting your mind respond. That’s good for instant relief, especially if you’re feeling panicked or overwhelmed.
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