“Narcissistic sociopaths leave very few people with whom they form relationships—intact. I am speaking here about the sociopath who does not commit physically violent crimes but perpetrates psychological and emotional crimes that destroy the lives of others…. The [narcissistic sociopath] is without conscience of any kind. [He or she] is very clever at not getting caught. It is very rare that these individuals serve any time in jail or prison.”
Restraining orders, requiring little or nothing in the way of concrete substantiation to obtain, are ripe for abuse by anyone with a flair for lying and a malicious will; but they are especially easy to exploit for sociopaths, being as they are uninhibited by the moral boundaries that constrain most people from engaging in outright deception—and particularly from engaging in outright deception of authorities. Narcissistic sociopaths, who lie adeptly and are always keen for a rapt audience, are unreluctant to commit criminal frauds on the police and courts provided that the risk of their being punished for it is marginal. In the abuse of restraining orders, that risk is zero.
Narcissists feed on attention. Married narcissists may stray to satisfy their appetite (the added thrills of “danger” and transgression only intensifying the reward). Narcissists are known to marry for convenience, specifically for financial security, social elevation, and material gain. So infidelity to their spouses—whether social, emotional, or carnal—is common. For an unmarried narcissist, “romance” always has gratification of his or her need to dominate and be desired (to own the other person) as its objective. S/he may even keep trophies of his or her conquests (and a restraining order may represent such a trophy to him or her).
Discovering the narcissist’s true nature is bad enough if you’ve sworn vows of fidelity to him or her before a clergyman or justice of the peace; it’s devastating if you’re simply cast off after your value as an ego-pump has been exhausted.
Narcissists make no apologies, and romantic entanglements based on deception seldom end cleanly, especially when the deceiver is unwilling to acknowledge his or her misconduct. Unsurprisingly, visitors and respondents to this blog are brought here regularly by complaints of restraining order abuse by narcissistic sociopaths.
Restraining orders are not only peerless tools for severing inconvenient relationships; obtaining them is a simple matter for those who lie without compunction and simultaneously gratifies narcissists’ cravings for vengeance and attention. Someone a narcissist has abused for sex or sexual interest can be punished for his or her perceived criticism of the narcissist (“How could you?”), and the narcissist can exploit the restraining order indefinitely to gain the attention and sympathy of others by representing his or her victim as a stalker. Years later, narcissists who’ve obtained fraudulent restraining orders can claim to be in danger from people they in fact targeted for abuse, exciting the concern and protective impulses of those around them and thereby receiving the special treatment they believe they’re entitled to and which their egos depend upon for sustenance.
As Dr. Martinez-Lewi (the author of this post’s epigraph) points out, narcissistic sociopaths are “often very bright intellectually and exceedingly quick in scouting out and discovering people whom they can dominate completely.” They’re exceptionally canny predators, in other words. The obvious irony is that narcissistic sociopaths who abuse the restraining order process by alleging fear and danger to put distance between themselves and their casualties do so against those they originally targeted for having dependably even temperaments and tolerance (that is, for being easily manipulated).
Narcissists’ being consummate charlatans allows them to facilely exploit the system to doubly victimize those they selected for abuse. And if that weren’t enough, they can thereby represent themselves as victims and bask in the attention their “victimhood” arouses.
Gaming strangers in uniforms and robes who are already poised to credit everything they say is a junket to the candy shop for narcissistic sociopaths, and their being awarded restraining orders presents them with gifts that keep on giving.
Copyright © 2012 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
TALKING BACK to restraining orders 
It’s like the Nike slogan Just Do It from the 90s –but change it to Just DIR it – the Domestic Incident Report filled at the police station is the first step. Officers get time and a half for each arrest. Prosecuters do not rise in their offices for dismissed cases. So police officers have little incentive to NOT make the arrest, and prosecuters have little incentive to dismiss – once processd in the system, even pressuring a defendant into a violation is a coup. Criminal Defense attorneys hoping to maintain their relationships with DA’s Office will often not pushback as hard as they ought, and see if an innocent defendant can be convinced / intimidated intto taking a plea with some kind of minimim record. It is a preposterous three-ring circus. I welcome publishing the names and addresses of legislatora to write to because this has to change. Many people who have been victimized by this abuse of government wish to fight, but need to be appropriately directed. This blog focusing on direct action would be very helpful. It already does, but sometimes there is a focus on the injustice. The people behind the injustice are well aware of its abuse, but it does not incentivize them to change. Embarrassment incentivizes. If there were a legal forum to call out abuse with public naming, I believe there might be a glimmer of change in the horizon. As long as restraining order abuse is castrated as an amorphous injustice, and not the specidic actions of specific individuals, people hide behind the cloak of “a crack in the system.” There is undeed a crack, but there are many ethical and talented prosecuters, police officers, and defense attorneys. This mess is perpetuated by bad eggs who need to be called out directly.
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My sister is an attorney. She applied for a restraining order. At the hearing she had a lawyer friend from a different county represent her. I did all I could to fight the restraining order. The judge asked her “you don’t really want this, do you?” She insisted that she did because her lawyer nailed me into admitting extortion over an old phone she left at my house when she lived with me. I asked her to please pay me back the money you promised you would and I will give you the phone. That is extortion. I am really sick about this. I had evidence that she wanted to hire a sniper and the judge asked if I had a copy with her name at the top. At the time I did not as something was going on at the time where I couldn’t print it with her name at the top but I was able to have the phone fixed with it clearly showing her name at the top in her own text to me. All I needed was her to pay me back the money she borrowed. Lesson learned never loan money to an attorney.
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I recently filed a dv order of protection on my former spouse. There was plenty of back and forth both during the marriage and after, friends/enemies, both ways. But after she sent nasty photos of herself to my fiance, I went to put a no contact order on her. In the process of research and telling my family what happened, I learned that there was a whole lot more to the story. The clerks gave me the DV order instead of a simple no contact. She counter filed, alleged some very serious things. I can freely admit that over ten years ago I hit her, I was prosecuted and found guilty. This was brought up of course. In the end, I offered an agreement to both of us dropping our protection orders and to a mutual anti harassment order all she had to do was admit in front of the court, what she had done. I know she doesn’t regret what she did and I didn’t require an apology. She took the offer. I believe she took it to protect herself from being exposed for what she is. My life is laid open, that is what happens when you offend. The court commissioner seemed relieved that we didn’t take it further. I don’t believe the justice system is always spot on and it definitely gets things all wrong at times, but it is up to us as citizens to keep on top of our lives the best we can. Sociopaths and Narcissists are a hard case to prove and they won’t voluntarily go to an impartial evaluation. I believe my Ex is one of these, but it isn’t within my power to effect change and progress in anyone else s life but mine. Good luck to everyone here
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I had one put on me cause I found out my ex was have multiple affairs and other criminal activity she was commiting…It stopped me from finding out what she was doing because at every turn she was there to stop me In person when she found out I got a lead on something that would overturn all her restraining orders(think she had someone in my chain of command when I was serving feeding her info).Me being a former active duty armed forces personnel and also a 3 combat tour vet, who served with honor this is how us military personnel are treated..Keep us caged up till war breaks out. We as current and former military are treated like animals and scum when it comes to the legal system. and all we are doing is protecting the people in this country…and the sad part is she is not even a US citizen or a legal alien…
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Honor is a word that’s used insistently in the judicial system, but what it’s supposed to stand for isn’t something I’ve witnessed there. People are expected to bow and scrape while being scolded like children…or treated like “scum,” including people like you who are protecting people with their lives. Thanks for it, Jason. The state “applauds the sacrifices” of its armed forces and doesn’t scruple about attacking its members in isolation.
You merit better.
You’re the second serviceman who’s written this week, and you’re one of several people I’ve corresponded with who’ve reported abuses of restraining orders by spouses or girlfriends who weren’t citizens. SAVE has even published a special report on “Domestic Violence-Related Immigration Fraud.” More than one man has reported to me that he married, was fraudulently accused of abuse, and then got cleaned out. That’s on top, of course, of being publically characterized as a batterer. It’s the simplest thing in the world. One man told me he was accused of threatening his wife with a typewriter. That was good enough.
Besides all of the other mischief they’ve caused, restraining orders have conditioned and licensed judges to regard defendants with contempt. Veterans, police officers, seniors, good Samaritans—it doesn’t matter. Nothing a person is and nothing a person does matters (unless they’re politically connected or have deep pockets). I’ve heard of an 87-year-old decorated war veteran being framed for domestic violence, and I’ve heard from a vegetarian single mom who volunteers to walk dogs and offered to donate one of her kidneys to save a stranger (a sick boy). Same thing—she was accused of domestic violence by some married guy she briefly renewed a friendship with who had a jealous wife. They didn’t even have a domestic relationship. A judge rubber-stamped the order, which was tossed on appeal for lack of jurisdiction. She had to employ two attorneys to undo chaos it took the guy five minutes to stir up. It drove her and her daughter frantic, and she wasn’t the only person the guy and his wife had restraining orders issued against. Once unscrupulous people learn what they can get away with, they become instant addicts like it sounds like your ex has become.
Everything that’s wicked about the process is exemplified by your being denied the Constitutional privileges that you’re the one literally protecting. You distinguish yourself honorably through three tours of duty, and that distinction is erased by someone who sits on a perch in an air-conditioned building and pronounces upon a few minutes’ reflection (if any at all) that you’re “scum.”
“Next.”
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my story is tooo long nut i will say , that my ex has gotten away with way tooo much ,, these probation oreders with the no contact on them dont work,,, after the dust settles ,,, my ex always called from a payohne thats a breach ” i could nt handle the in and out of court it was a joke ,, they blamed me more than him cause i picked up the phone,,, get it “””” he assaulted me 2x really abd which he did jail time but only 1 years total hes been on probation for 6 years now on and off hi sprobation order states hes to do anger managemnt a abuser program a treatment program a psych assment ,,,, and still to this day hes only done the abuser program an aanger magment its a ajoke the probation officers are all woman they have done nothing to keep me safe i live 150 kms away from him they didnt even put thats he cant come to this city m he can if he wants as long as he is 100 feet away , its exhausting and i dont care no more his probation officers all sided with him …… now hes with another girl im just waiting for somewthing to happen , its validation for me to say that i was right about him the whole time i knew he was either a sociopath or psycopath,,, but no one did a thing hell never be rehabilitated he just keeps going girl to girl ,,,
justice system is horrible
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I’m sorry for all you’ve been put through, Tracie. Manipulators like this guy seem miraculously to prevail no matter which end of a restraining order they’re on.
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My ex Narc, when I implemented no contact he went and filed a Order for Protection against me on behalf of himself and our children, I almost lost my kids because they take the children even before a hearing is had, luckily I filed a counter Order for Protection and then my order trumped his order as it was the last one signed, I couldn’t believe people can just run to the government center and file this crap with no proof, we had a trial and both our orders were denied but the Judges orders stated that she did not find him credible and that she believed he was a domestic abuser, since then he has drug me through the family court system for a year now, it has been litigation hell !!!!
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It’s like that kids’ game where you try to be the one with the topmost grip on the bat. It’s absurd, I know, and the courts are appallingly unapologetic about the role they play in dismantling people’s lives. I’m sorry to hear of your ordeal, Jill, and really hope you’re able to get clear of this and put your back to it.
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my firefighter ex boyfriend has done this to me to exact revenge for reporting his sexual misconduct to his superiors at orange county fire authority (we had sex on the relief engine at station 63 in cypress ca while he was on duty..he maipulated me and used my compassion against me by saying he would kill himself if he lost his job and so i recanted and lied and made myself look a fool to save his life and NOW he says i made the whole thing up and used it against me to tell people i’m crazy and that they don’t have to listen to me because he has a restraining order on me and they only give those to crazy people and that i stalked him so bad he even had to have me arrested) and allowing the girl he was cheating on with me access to my email accounts (facebook, myspace, and hotmail) so she could see for herself who was lying to her…he has stalked me, harassed me, had me violated on the orders by showing up at the gym without me knowing and calling the police and LYING to them that i had accosted him and made eye contact (this was the day after i had requested a modification hearing to the orders so I KNOW he did this as payback and i spent five days in jail, either because he used his status as a firefighter to pull strings or the bad luck of overcrowding)…to be told BY THE POLICE that it doesn’t matter if he lies and that he can continue to do this to me over and over is DEVESTATING in a way that no one can understand or relate to…i am going to school to be a preschool teacher, i am a vegetarian, and would never hurt a fly (i in fact DON”T hurt flies – i put them outside)…i exposed him and he means to destroy me and the courts and police DON”T CARE </3
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For what it’s worth, I believe you absolutely and wholly sympathize. I’m a vegetarian, too. I used to splash water on mosquitoes and take them outside. A woman I was in frequent contact with last year who’d been falsely accused of domestic violence by a man she’d briefly renewed a friendship with (they’d been boyfriend-girlfriend in high school decades earlier) was not only a vegetarian but someone who walked dogs and raised money for animal shelters—and had also volunteered to donate a kidney (no kidding) to a boy in need she wasn’t even related to (her accuser had a very jealous wife who put him up to filing the restraining order). These state processes are a moral outrage and an utter disgrace. Your character—no matter how impeccable—can be dragged through the mire on completely fraudulent grounds by anyone with an axe to grind and no scruples about lying. All someone like this guy needs is to be able to say, “I had to take out a restraining order on her,” and everyone just assumes the worst about you. For (pathological) liars and schemers, the restraining order process is a golden ticket to state sympathy and universal pity and attention and instantly and durably discredits their victims. I’m deeply sorry for your torments. If you were subject to this kind of agony by any other means, you’d have grounds for a hefty lawsuit, but the courts tend to wash their hands of accountability and pretend this kind of thing doesn’t happen. It’s horrific.
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so thankful for this article and the response…i shared this with a narcissisitc abuse support page on facebook…so sad that anyone else has had to endure this but having people who understand is a blessing ❤
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People of this kind prey on passivity and tolerance. That’s what makes their abuses such a profound outrage: their victims are the literal opposite of what they represent them to be. Good for you for not taking this lying down.
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My ex lover who I thought cared about me but lied about other women. When I found out that he wasn’t living with his sister, he filed a false protective order on me so that I would not expose him to his ex girlfriend and others to control. Narcs are crazy!!!! To top that off after a few months he comes to my home and apologize for what he did again, and left me a stupid note. I forgave him once again, but he lied about lifting the order. I am devastated because he starts the abuse all over again and around the holidays. I hope karma is alive and well.
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Many people who come to St Vincent De Paul Father Joe Carroll’s Villages and permanent housing are criminally insane and file false restraining orders often. Recently a black man recently released from parole had meth dealers visit his apartment Friday March 1, 2013, a week later San Diego police visited him. The man thought I was responsible and went and filed a false restraining order against me, but he still calls and texts me asking for sex. Many staff hired by St Vincents are mentally ill and have drug backgrounds so they easily believe . people when they file false restraining orders . A Russian lady in the building next to me filed a false restraining order against a black man and still continues to harass him. Another older lady always says to me she is going to court to put a restraining order against someone. The building I live in is Village Place apartments in downtown San Diego around 17th, Street and Imperial Avenue, it is also known as New Jack City. This whole area is very uncomfortable to be in and around, many are mentally ill homeless, drug pushers and users, and the criminally insane just waiting to make someone fall into their trap by filing false restraining orders. It seems that is all people of St Vincent De Paul and Father Joe Carroll;s villages live for is going to court. Many of these people are uneducated, and crave attention and are very unattractive and are loosers in life. In court getting a restraining order based on lies helps them feel good about themselves.
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Sorry for the belated attention to your comments, Chanel. I’ll absorb them tonight. You’re right, though. Attention is one of the major allures of this process. It’s free, and even the most powerless, disenfranchised, or disreputable person can walk into a courthouse off the street, get an audience with a judge, and walk back out feeling validated, righteous, and empowered.
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