Restraining order abuse is a form of abuse of process or malicious prosecution in which a plaintiff applies for a restraining order for a purpose other than that for which it was intended. Typically this purpose is a vengeful, exploitative, or otherwise vicious one—though restraining orders are also misused by the delusional, who may falsely believe their need to be valid and have no ulterior motive.
Restraining order applicants aren’t screened, whether based on their being under psychiatric care or having a history of mental illness, on their possessing criminal records, or on their having previously sought one or multiple restraining orders in the past. Some restraining order abusers are repeat offenders who know how to game the system for malicious ends.
Restraining order abuse is open to all comers. The courts don’t discriminate, and it doesn’t take a criminal mastermind. It doesn’t in fact even take a good liar, just a willing one.
Though lying to obtain a restraining order is a felony offense (perjury), this crime is never prosecuted, so all a malicious plaintiff risks is disappointment if his or her application is denied or his or her injunction is quashed on appeal—and there’s nothing to stop him or her from reapplying. Getting fraudulent restraining orders against the same defendant in multiple jurisdictions isn’t unheard of, nor is getting fraudulent restraining orders against multiple defendants.
Accountability in this process is nil.
Obtaining a restraining order can require less than an hour’s time and is usually free for the asking. Any adult who walks into a courthouse is entitled to apply. Actual time before a judge may be mere minutes, and restraining orders are issued ex parte, which means a judge’s basis for approving one is the plaintiff’s word alone, along with any evidence s/he may present during the brief interview, which evidence may of course be forged, skewed, or misrepresented. And injunctions may be approved in the absence of any corroborating “evidence” at all.
The entitlement to due process is categorically denied to restraining order defendants. Per Black’s Law Dictionary (6th ed.), “Due process of law in each particular case means such an exercise of the powers of the government as the settled maxims of law permit and sanction, and under such safeguards for the protection of individual rights as those maxims prescribe for the class of cases to which the one in question belongs.” In regard to restraining order defendants, the prescribed “safeguards for the protection of individual rights” are none.
The reason for this is a relic of the past.
Restraining orders were conceived decades ago in response to public outcry as a measure to arrest domestic violence, which was largely ignored or discounted at the time. Accordingly, the customary standard for substantiating a complaint to the court that bears criminal implications and consequences (namely, proof beyond a reasonable doubt) is suspended in restraining order cases, and plaintiffs are given broad latitude to ensure that those in legitimate need of protection will get it. This also explains restraining orders’ being free or inexpensive to procure.
This in turn explains the popularity of restraining orders as instruments of avarice, malice, or vendetta. A false allegation of domestic violence, for example, may require no material substantiation and risks a vicious plaintiff nothing yet may cost an innocent defendant everything, including home, property, and access to children and pets—and even, conceivably, freedom and income. Loss of health, reputation, and enjoyment of life goes without saying.
Motives for restraining order abuse run the gamut. Restraining orders are commonly abused by plaintiffs to gain the upper hand in child custody battles (spouses may portray their husbands or wives as monsters, and even coerce and coach their children to do the same). They’re abused preemptively by stalkers to disarm and dominate the targets of their obsessions. They’re abused by lovers to get clear of unwanted boy- or girlfriends or to spitefully injure boy- or girlfriends who rejected them (or even to injure former boy- or girlfriends’ new girl- or boyfriends). They’re abused to gain sole ownership of pets and property. They’re abused to end extramarital relationships (while casting the accuser—who’s usually the cheater—in a positive light). They’re abused to blackmail: “Give me what I want, and I’ll drop the restraining order.” They’re abused to intimidate, harass, and maim.
Restraining orders are abused, in short, for the petty gratification of anyone who’s low enough to exploit the process.
Copyright © 2012 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com
TALKING BACK to restraining orders 
Thank you so much for the advise.
No attorney…but I went….AND SO DID HE! THE AUDACITY!
Nothing to say about the allegations…NOW I’M A DRUG USER AND HE FOUND PARAPHERNALIA…(HE’S A “RECOVERING ADDICT”, admitted to me using on 2 occasions) he cleared out the room because the police “sais he could”. He’s storing my things in a house that have said they don’t own. He claims I “called the owner ” to get him in trouble…and the disabled people are afraid of me.
When does it end? He says he had to rip up the new wood floors and paint the room. Ray Charles sees what’s next! I didn’t have a chance to bring up much. I vehemently denied the malicious allegations, offered the recordings of unlawful harassment, stalking, and sexual assault…but began with noting the handwriting difference on the request for an order…to discredit…
The idiot denied the writing was from another person. The judge asked him 3 times.
Case dismissed.
I AM at the YWCA APARTMENTS/SHELTER. IT’S LOVELY! Nothing short of a MIRACLE I.got in!
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I put up a post highlighting your case, Rhonda:
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2015/01/16/not-all-feminists-are-women-but-all-feminists-are-responsible-for-why-false-accusations-are-rampant-and-why-they-work/
I’m glad you’re still with us. For what it may be worth to you, the “hooker” remark on Facebook is probably actionable (defamation, libel), that is, you could sue the guy for it (the usual statute of limitation is one year). The limitation imposed by all court actions, though, is money. If you were up to investing your existence in learning law, you could represent yourself in a lawsuit; the demands, though, are extreme.
An alternative that’s easier is filing an appeal. If your case was in the lowest-tier court, you’d probably appeal with the superior court. A clerk at the courthouse where the petition was filed could tell you and walk you through the process for applying. In my state, at least, filing an appeal in a case like this is free.
If this is something you’d be up for trying, I’d be glad to help you, though my knowledge is only experiential (and meager); I’m not an attorney.
If it’s at all (I mean at all) possible for you to come up with a couple grand, you might stand a decent chance of securing an attorney’s help. Attorneys aren’t that charitable but some will reduce their fees when they smell an appalling injustice, particularly against a woman.
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I’m going to court in a few hours. I haven’t slept or eaten and I’m a wreck. My life is over. Today.
I fled a DV situation in another state and moved back to WA. I bounced around a bit and finally ended up renting a room. (im disabled, on Social Security.) Yes. Craigslist.
I felt I asked all the right questions.are you married? Do you live on the property? Do you own the home? Who else lives there? Both parties were surprised to learn that the other tenants renting the room across from me were disabled,as well. The man of the couple, was deaf and I know American Sign Language.
Upon moving in, I began noticing the lies being told. The disabled couple made to turn over their food cards (they tried with my when I signed the month to month agreement). I, of course, declined.
I helped with the deaf man and his developmentally disabled woman, because the female “owner” (also a lie) was overwhelmed and claiming she was sick. I cooked and cleaned (28 loads of laundry, using the washer and dryer I brought from my previous residence. I paid for Thanksgiving dinner.
Then Hell came. A friend of the female claimed the “husband” had been coming on to her…
Long story…the next day, it was me! For days. First she tells me to move out, then she’s my friend.
The exploitation of the couple continues. The sister of the deaf man calls me, then calls Adult Protective Services. I make a call as well. There is an active investigation.
Ready?
The police knock on my bedroom door and give me 10 minutes to get some clothes. The “husband-owner” filed a restrianing order on me!
I had a couple stayed overnight for a movie marathon the night before, so I had a bit of help. The female officer verified I had a lock for my room. She advised the petetioner no one is to enter my room. She had me turn over the house key. I WAS in shock. Crying.
As we pull away, the “husband” sends me a voice recording. (He claims he is illiterate) saying, “see…who got you out of who’s house? I got you out of my house! Neener Neener.”
I called the police. No good. I am not the victim. I’m the perpetrator. While on the phone…2 more. Telling me I’m not getting anymore of my stuff back, cantbcome back to the house…even with an officer…you’re burnt bitch! If the police ask where’s your stuff, I’m gonna say I don’t know.
Then, there’s the “order”. A Domestic Violence Protection Order!
The allegations, ALL FALSE…AND VERY DAMNING. STEALING HIS MAIL, OPENING IT AND NOT GIVING IT TO HIM, GOING IN HIS WALLET, TAKING HIS S.S. CARD AND OLD ID, SHOVING HIM INTO A WALL, CAUSING A BRUISE ON HIS BACK, YELLING AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND NIGHT, CAUSING SUCH STRESS ON THE DISABLED COUPLE, THEY CAN’T EAT OR SLEEP AND HAVE PTSD EPISODES…CALLING ALL MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE VULGAR NAMES…TEXITNG AND CALLING EVERYONE WHILE THEYSLEEP. I THREATENED TO BURN THE HOUSE DOWN, HIS CAR AND WARNED HIM NITBTO SLEEP, BECAUSE I’D KILL HIM. HE IS IN FEAR OF HIS LIFE..AFRAID TO TAKE A SHOWER OR COME HOME.
THEN, LASTLY, THE NIGHT BEFORE (WHEN I HAD COMPANY) AT 11:30pm, I came at him with a kitchen knife as he was getting ready for work. He tried to call the cops, AND I TOOk HIS CELL PHONE AWAY. Then gave it back that morning.
Oh. My. Lord!
THEY BOTH WENT ON MY FACEBOOK. HE CALLED ME A HOOKER…SAID I WOULD SLEEP WITH ANY MAN AND CALLED ME A HORRIBLE NAME.I didn’t respond, of course. Then, he said I do meth…he knows because I lived with him and he cleaned my room, and found pipes and bags. Then she responds, and says…and rigs and baggies. Now we know why she cleaned and it explains her treatment of us. He needed in another post…I just want everyone to know she does methamphetamines. (he is in outpatient treatment)
Now. The ORDER ISN’T AN ORDER, AFTERALL. IT’S A REQUEST FOR ONE. There is NO TEMPORARY ORDER FILED. NONE.
I CALL THE POLICE…TO GET MY STUFF…
I LEFT MY DAUGHTER’S ASHES AND PICTURES…
THEY SAY…HOW CAN YOU PROVE YOU LIVE THERE…AND WHAT STUFF IS YOURS. IF HE DOESN’T SAY YOU LIVE THERE, WE WON’T BUST DOWN THE DOOR.
I’M GOING TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE.
(BUT DON’T DRIVE AND NO BUS FARE)
PLEASE. HELP ME.
RHONDA
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Rhonda, please hang in there.
There may be legal resources available to you as a disabled person. If you’re literally on the skids, there’s often free Internet use at the public library, and this may give you some leads. Ideally, you should have had representation at the hearing, but an attorney—if it’s possible to get one—might still be able to remedy the situation.
You need to talk to someone who knows what kind of misconduct exploiting disabled people represents and how and to whom it should be reported, and you need a lawyer.
The Department of Economic Security (DES), which issues food stamps, might be able to help, and you could open a case with them.
Definitely preserve the voicemails and Facebook comments. They’re clear evidence of taunting. Opening up a restraining order case of your own might be possible (based on harassment), but it won’t help you out of this mess.
The hearing you had—it was for the protection order? What was the outcome?
Regarding what you’ve said of the cops, what about the female officer whom you first talked to (did you happen to get her name)? She could vouch for your residency. Do you have a contract, also?
The nature of those allegations makes this too knotted to try to unravel on your own. Call every attorney in town if you have to, and see if any specialize in “elder law” or “elder abuse” or “disabled people” (even “contract law” if that applies). Do you have any relatives who could assist?
Attorneys tend not to help people pro bono, that is, for free. But it might be possible to get representation through an agency of government or through an advocacy group. See if there are any nonprofits in your area that assist the elderly, the disabled, and/or people who are both, particularly ones who’ve been abused. There may be one that offers legal aid. Call Legal Aid, too. Call the American Civil Liberties Union. Also call a woman’s shelter—the cops could probably hook you up. Just say you fled an abusive relationship and don’t know where to turn.
You’ll have to make direct contact with people and convey your desperation, because as you’ve seen, when you’re the one who’s been implicated as the abuser, everyone’s brain shuts down, and they just follow protocol.
What trashes people’s lives is just a game to sh*ts like this (and they come in a diversity of shapes). Someone like your accuser, who it sounds like should be brought up on racketeering charges (exploitation of the disabled and elderly), is recognized as “the victim.”
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Wow.. Just wow. Yes, they are abused, probably more often than needed. My husband is on the bad end of one that is totally unwarranted. The accuser, stalks us and our children and we cannot get help from the system to stop it. But I have one against my ex whom beat my face into a hardwood floor until I nearly fell unconscious then undressed me and sexually assaulted me in front of 3 children.. until his 12 year old daughter stepped in and stopped it all. Abuse? I think so. And to add insult to injury, the DA in spite of the daughters statement and his *admission of guilt!* both to police and formally on paper, charged him with A&B. Behind my back a deal was made and he practically got off free of charge. Did you catch that? He tried to rape me after beating me senseless in the presence of three minors, one of which-his own flesh and blood-provided a collaborating my accusation, black eye, ripped clothing, fat lip, bruised wrists. Oh, and that was after I dropped the first protective order I had on him for tackling me while I held our 20 month old child. I dropped it because he and his family accused me of “abusing the system”. You paint a picture that all who have a protective order are abusers of the system. I’m in no way under the impression that that 6-7 page document will save my life from say a ballistics knife, or a crack from brass knuckles.. All which he brandishes..but it is documentation to help the police protect me when he does violate it, which he does, regularly. I’ve sat in court, multiple times and listened to bs stories where obviously a scorned ex lover is simply pissed off and being a vindictive little bitch, it’s probably 90-95% bs..but can ya give the 5-10% some credit out loud? There are times when they are warranted.
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There are different ways of talking about what you’ve brought up. One way is this: Restraining orders are easy, and most violated women who are handed restraining orders say they feel securer with them. So they’re pacified. So much the better if they’re complainants of sexual assault, because if they apply for a civil restraining order instead of filing criminal charges, they may never learn that prosecuting rape can be an act of degrading futility. The state may actually work against the rape complainant, because the state likes to win, and rape’s hard to win. The state loves to hand out restraining orders, though.
So what happens is you end up with a lot of people casually or falsely accused by people who’ve had no harm done to them, and you have people who’ve been brutally physically violated who see no justice. Members of both groups are outraged, some of their anger gets directed at members of the other group, and few grasp that all of this is exactly according to design.
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I’m very sorry for what you’ve had to endure.
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Thank you. It does mean a lot that someone can recognize the injustice and sympathize with me, not only that but call a spade and spade. The system is corrupt, the police who enforce the system even more so.. And lazy. I have been (and still am being) vindicated through that same system, in custody proceedings.. But it took 3 years! And tons of stress/money to set it all right. In the end, my valid protective order along with a sincere fear of my ex was the main factor in the courts decision. I advocate it for women who truly need it and I advocate the prosecution of those who abuse it.
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How horrible is it that (years later) you’re making headway on one front only to have your home life disrupted by an attack from the flank? That’s what galls so many—how one relationship with an awful person becomes a never-ending saga that eats up years of their lives (and weighs on them every day of every year). I think restraining orders were a quick fix conceived years ago that has been fortified by a gradual accretion of laws, and nobody’s been urged to go back and reconsider the worthiness of it in the first place. Restraining orders were meant to minimize stress and humiliation so that a battered woman could go talk to a judge and be protected immediately. Even 30 years ago, it was a really big deal to talk about violence in the home (as you probably know), and women who went to the police could face being more or less told to shut up and go cook dinner. They could face being ridiculed for complaining about being knocked around (which took a lot of courage to begin with). All of the safeguards against people’s being falsely implicated were removed to ensure battered women got heard. What may have made sense then, though, doesn’t now. I became a vegetarian when I was kid, and that was unheard of in the 80s. Families took that sort of thing as an affront. Today, everyone fourth person is a vegan. Same with violence, depression, suicides in the family—all these subjects that were once taboo are talked about on YouTube. There’s no stigma anymore; they arouse sympathy. Kids send nudies of themselves to each other! When I was a kid, visible bra straps and underpants bands were reasons to be ashamed. It’s a new world. With restraining orders, the law has to change not because its original intention (way back when) was bad but because it can be easily abused. The same instrument that helps someone in your situation is also easily exploited by fraud to bully and terrorize you. I really hope everything works out for you and the kids and that you and your husband get the restraining order stalker off your backs.
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Thank you! We are tough, it will work itself out.. Hopefully before we’re old and gray!
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How do you rebuild your life after a restraining order has been filed against you? My ex used (still uses) the post separation power and control wheel and uses court actions against me to continue engaging me in the process, continue ruining my reputation, continue the abuse, etc. The order expired long ago but now I am forced to go back to court as a defendant. I’m being charged with violating the protective while it was still in place. He claims I emailed him — which I did not — and I feel confident I will be exonerated in court. I have not seen the evidence against me because I fled to a different state and remain in hiding in a battered women’s shelter, but since I did not send it I feel it can easily be debunked (or thrown out of court). In addition, while he was stalking me he followed me into a pub while he had the PO on me, and I left the premises to flee him. Of course, he called me in for a DUI and essentially that is what ruined my life. It’s been over a year since the DUI and hopefully by spring this most recent round in court will be over. I plan to stay in the shelter because if he tries to accuse me of another crime they can protect me. He is also suing me for attorneys’ fees which now total over 30,000$ (despite the fact that I lost my job at university where we both worked, lost my home, all my worldly possessions, my dog and now remain unemployed and homeless — and he is tremendously wealthy and has a trust fund so he does not need money). My only hope is to file bankruptcy this spring and I was considering changing my name. I feel that changing my name is my only hope of ever having any kind of future. I lost my DOD security clearance due to his fraudulent and abusive protective order and my career ended with the DUI. I don’t know how else to start over and rebuild my life other than to change my identity. Is this too extreme? I don’t know what else to do.
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It sounds like plastic surgery wouldn’t be too extreme. I’m sorry for your hell. Isn’t there someone at the shelter who could help you out of this? It’s angering that there are free services extended to women who accuse but no free representation to those who are accused. Would you be comfortable with it if I put up a post about your case (no names or specifics)? This sh*t shouldn’t be possible. I only have intermittent Internet access, so my responses are necessarily delayed. Let me know, though, if you’d be game to tell me more about your case.
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Yes absolutely. The other complication with my ongoing cases is that they are taking place in Alaska. I fled Alaska to the lower 48 to seek shelter, as there are no resources there to help women who end up in domestic violence situations. Just yesterday I had a court hearing and was ordered to appear telephonically. My public defender is out of town for the holidays and another attorney took his case load. Well the number for the shelter for the court to call me at did not reach the second attorney. I sat here for over 2 hours waiting for the court call and was watching court view online waiting for updates. I actually sat here watching court view update my profile online (for all the world to see) that I “failed to appear” and a warrant was issued for my arrest. I subsequently called the courthouse and the attorneys’ offices to report the error but it was too late. This is the third (or fourth, or more?) time my ex has had a warrant issued for my arrest. How can I find work and get out of shelter when there are warrants out for my arrest? It’s an impossible situation. At times I feel like taking a dirt nap, but of course those thoughts are just a coping mechanism.
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There’s a contact form linked to the copyright line of the posts on the blog (not the static pages like this one). Send an email when you’ve had a chance to put your story together, and let me know what you’d like to be called. Only include identifying details you’re comfortable with. Speaking in generalities is fine (“university,” for example, instead of a specific institution). Send a comment to the blog, too, that just says, “Check email,” so I’ll know to. Maybe it could help somehow to document this hell.
There’s no word for this kind of thing other than horror. Jesus.
You’re not the first to report considering a terminal fix. It’s execrable that the system makes this the only coping mechanism for some (suicides aren’t unknown). One man even doused himself with gasoline and set himself ablaze on the courthouse steps a few years ago. I don’t know enough about the case to judge, but I have wondered at how coldly and dismissively his death has been treated in some venues. I’ve read at least one comment here by a man who alleged he was framed and was considering suicide. Like you, he was left with nothing. A different comment I’ve read reports another man’s suicide (after being left with nothing). Many comments on the linked petition are from people who report, like you, that they were the actual victim in the relationship.
Please hang in there.
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A Texas woman posted this two hours ago: “Please stop False Allegations on Domestic Violence. Just because I no longer wanted to be with the person, he falsely made reports and provided false photos claiming a date 2 months back of the police report.”
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Wow! It’s not a fair/just system!? I’ve been a roll model citizen my whole life. I work with more than 700 middle school and high school students + all of the teachers and staff! Now, my wife has done the ( Unimaginable)!! That’s right! Up s#!$ creek with no hope in sight! I won the first round, but it’s going to be a long road ahead! My worries aren’t for me, it’s for my step children! She’s hurting the most precious thing besides life itself! ( l love my two wonderful step children)! My life has been turned upside down! ( l will survive)! My worries are for my step children’s well being with this unstable mother!
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Yeah, I just remarked in a post that it doesn’t matter what you’ve stood for or who you are; these processes are so superficial and accelerated that none of this is even considered. Numerous respondents have been service veterans (one of whom memorably said he was “treated like scum”). A recent correspondent on the blog is a 73-year-old female divinity student falsely implicated by meth-addicted hoodlums. Bullying her was a lark for them, and the court was glad to contribute. Family law attorney-cum-writer Terri Weiss laments in her blog, From Bedroom to Courtroom, that children are often the unacknowledged casualties of these shenanigans. She doesn’t lament it mildly, either. Good luck, Zac. I think you’re still a role model.
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I have been in contact with a person a male who has been verbally abusive as well as accused me of extortion, has verbally abused me in so many ways as well as has put fear in me. I booked a flight on my credit card, well when I cancelled my flight, he had said prior that if anything went wrong he would reimburse me as he has, now he is accusing me of extortion as well as calling me many names, he owns messy man transportation, my grandmother is dying of lung cancer, he has been I feel a very vicious man, I do not know what to do can you please give me some advice, I live in California he lives in Colorado as well as he has lawsuits already against him, I do not want to file a restraining order but at the same time I am afraid of what he is capable of doing. Please I need advice quikly!
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Hi, Laren. If you’re not owed any money, and there’s no reason you have to do business with this person again, you might just have someone call and explain how you feel, and ask that he stop calling you. S/he could say that you’re sorry to have caused this person unnecessary bother, and you’d like to conclude this civilly.
And I would only suggest you do even this if calls continue.
Money has been scarce for a lot of people for many years now, and that may be a source of tension. Also, obviously, you’ve inconvenienced this man (who may even have been depending on your business to make his holiday). He’s never profited from his relationship with you, right?
I would just have another call for you if you feel it’s necessary to do anything at all. Someone who’s a good mediator and can smooth things over, not escalate them. Even a polite phone message with an apology for things’ not working out might defuse the whole thing.
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WOW just whaat I was searching for. Came here
by searching for natiional college of duii defense lawyers
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I didn’t realize there was one. Does that mean you’re catching trouble from different directions at the same time?
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The abuse of restraining orders is not just limited to the USA. I am a second year law student in Cape Town South Africa. We dealt with this issue recently in a tutorial based on a local news story about two girls called Danielle Vermaas and Lauren Fine who tried to abuse the legal system. In this case the applicant for the restraining order committed perjury which in itself is a serious criminal offence and yet we were told that even when this happens criminal charges are never bought against the applicant. To add serious insult to injury apparently the person who has been unfairly accused is not entitled to get any of their costs reimbursed. I have copied in the story below. In this case it appears that the one girl Danielle Vermaas has become a little obsessed with a guy. The guy isn’t interested in her and she appears to have had some fun trying to punish him by getting hold of his girlfriend and lying to her claiming that he has cheated on her. When the guy finds out about the lie she tries to get a restraining order against him to discredit him so that his girlfriend won’t believe him. Apparently Danielle Vermaas changed her name when this story hit the streets. Perhaps if more men dealt with the abuse of restraining orders like this women would think twice before trying to abuse them.
Story –
When mild-mannered Bishops old boy Colin Chaplin told his friends that the surprise domestic-violence order the police had served on him at work was obtained by a woman he’d threatened to unfriend on Facebook, many found it hard to believe – there had to be a more serious reason. Even more bewildering to the 36-year-old Chaplin is that the purported victim – a woman with whom he’d “shared a kiss or two” in the space of a week, years ago – said she’d been advised to seek the order by his ex-girlfriend, well-known Cape Town attorney Lauren Fine.
The spurned friend is fashion designer Danielle Vermaas, who uses the professional name of Danielle Margaux. Two years after his flirtation with Vermaas, Chaplin hooked up with Fine. Their six-month relationship ended amicably, he thought, in July last year.
“I just want you to know that I have done a search on you and I’m very anxious because you and my ex-girlfriend have several Facebook friends in common.”
The ease with which strangers can connect through mutual friends on Facebook – and the painful consequences for Colin Chaplin – are what prompt his anxious first words when he meets with Noseweek at a restaurant in Newlands, Cape Town.
Although lawyer-talk first alerted Noseweek to the story, it took some sleuthing to identify Chaplin, and then numerous emails through an intermediary, to set up this meeting.
Noseweek had been tipped off that two of Chaplin’s exes – Lauren Fine, a one-time ballerina and now a partner in a top Cape Town law firm, and Danielle Vermaas, a local designer who goes by the name of Danielle Margaux – had purportedly teamed up to have a Domestic Violence protection order slapped on him, on charges that were patently without substance.
A domestic violence order is no trivial thing but lawyers, policemen and even magistrates have all contributed to trivialising it. (See editorial in this issue).
Fine and her partners at well-known law firm Bernadt, Vukic, Potash and Getz have since been briefed about the facts of the case, but have refused to meet the victim of the outrage.
Chaplin finally agreed to see Noseweek as a last resort in a system that has failed him. “I’ve exhausted every avenue to clear my name,” he says.
After matriculating at Bishops, Chaplin went to England where he obtained an LLB (Hons) from the University of Buckingham. Back in Cape Town, he has for some years been working in the property development industry.
His story:
“Several years ago I met a girl called Danielle Vermaas at a dinner party. We became friends and kissed once or twice, but nothing serious happened between us. It was a very brief fling. I did not take it seriously from a romantic point of view. Quite simply, she is not my sort of woman.
“After that and during early 2009, we remained friends. She’d sometimes visit me at my parents’ home and became very fond of my mother.”
Might Vermaas have been under the impression they were in an exclusive relationship? “No. It was just a fun friendship,” Chaplin stresses.
During the first half of 2009, Vermaas started “getting weird”, says Chaplin: sending him numerous emails, phoning regularly, and constantly sending Facebook messages.
“[As a fashion designer], she would make me clothes, invite me to functions, cook food and show up at my flat with it, unannounced. I always turned her down.
“In a nutshell, she was in love with me. I kept saying, I’m not interested. Basically, I was just trying to say f-off.”
Towards the middle of 2009, Chaplin says he decided to start putting some “serious distance” between himself and Vermaas. He produces Facebook messages sent to him by Vermaas to demonstrate the point:
On 15 March 2009 at 11.07pm: Hi there! How are you? I am lying in my bed and thinking…I miss you and miss having you in my life and I would love to have you back in it…I do have a lot of issues, I know, and I suppose I am a difficult woman at times…In the same breath, I could have made the biggest tit out of myself now, because you might have met someone else…Deep down inside I hope you miss me as much as I miss you!…I don’t want you to feel that I am pressurising you…
On 21 April 2009: Hallo Col, you must think I am crazy…I just read the mail I sent you on Sunday and it was a bit intense…It feels like my life is falling apart …
On 13 July, 2009: Col, I don’t understand why you don’t answer my emails. Have you thought about what I said? I really think we’d be great together.
Later that day Chaplin replies: Hi Danielle, I feel we keep going over this. I think you keep misreading my friendship. I like you as a person but am just not interested in going out with you. Please just accept this as you are making things awkward. Colin.
On 18 July, 2009, Vermaas writes: You are obviously very angry with me and have decided not to contact me at all. I, on the other hand, am not a person of a few words, as you very well know and have decided to mail you, because I know you won’t even pick up the phone if I try to call you. I should probably just let you be, but…I have gotten used to spending time with you… You always say I am needy. Perhaps, but it is because I feel like the outsider in your life, the one you keep at a distance…
You’re probably thinking I’m some sort of psycho chick and that I keep contacting you in all sorts of ways, but… I do mean well…Hope to hear from you soon, Danielle x.
Vermaas’s overtures continued, accelerating in November 2009 when Chaplin began a relationship with Fine. When he speaks about her, it’s easy to see that this was a woman who clearly meant something in Chaplin’s life. “We had our first date on 17 November. Lauren is beautiful and intelligent.”
About a week after this first date, Vermaas arrived at a bar where Chaplin was having a drink with friends, and tried to speak to him.
“She followed me home and insisted we talk. She asked me whether I was going out with Lauren Fine and then said she knew I was. She knew Lauren was Jewish and told me her father was Solomon Fine. I didn’t know what she was talking about. It turns out that Solomon Fine was Lauren’s grandfather. How Danielle came by this information, I don’t know. Danielle also made some derogatory remarks about Lauren being Jewish. It took quite an effort to get rid of Danielle that evening. I had to repeatedly ask her to leave.”
“She started crying, and told me she loved me, saying she was going to leave the country as there was nothing left for her here. She continued to slag off Lauren, using anti-Semitic comments.”
The next day, a somewhat freaked-out Chaplin removed Vermaas as a friend on Facebook.
On 30 November, Vermaas writes: Hey Col, I am sorry for the things I said about your new girlfriend the other night. I just think you need to know that this girl is not for you. This relationship will not last. She is a Jew and they will not accept you. They are not like us. Lauren Fine, sy klink soos ’n Jood. I am telling you this because you need to know. Danielle.
The next day Chaplin responds: You need to leave me alone and stop saying bad things about my girlfriend – she has done nothing to you.
After their showdown in November, Vermaas slowed down contact with Chaplin for a while, but a month or two later, she started sending more emails and Facebook messages.
“The tone was friendly – she claimed she wanted to be friends. She sent me a Facebook friend request [again], which I accepted. During December 2009 and January 2010, she made contact again. I did not respond as I was really in love with Lauren and did not think much about Danielle. She contacted me a few times in 2010 It all seemed harmless.”
For example on 1 January 2010, at 4.28pm, Vermaas writes: Hi Colin, haven’t spoken to you in a while and I thought it well to wish you all the best of luck for 2010…and especially with you starting a new job on Monday…good luck! I know that you will make a great success of it….
Chaplin and Fine dated from November 2009 until the end of June 2010, when they split up. He stresses that it was an amicable parting: that she had wanted “space”.
“There were no bad feelings between us. Everything was cool. In fact, she susequently sometimes asked me for my help, which I gave her freely.”
When her mother was diagnosed with a serious illness a few weeks later, Colin was among the first she told, and he was there to support her.
But this is where it gets really weird, he relates.
“In early August 2010, a month-or-so after his relationship with Fine ended, Vermaas started “causing problems again” on Facebook. This included sending friendship requests to female friends on his site. “They would call me, asking who is Danielle Vermaas? Why does she want to be my friend? I sent her an SMS asking her to stop, or I would remove her as a friend from Facebook. I felt she was up to no good.”
It gets weirder, he says, because, within a week, Fine suddenly blocked him on Facebook.
“I sent her an SMS asking why she had done this, but she did not respond.”
Chaplin suspected that, some time between 6 and 12 August, Vermaas used Facebook to establish that Chaplin and Fine were no longer dating, that she then contacted Fine with the intention of causing trouble and driving a final wedge between them. [He would be proved correct – but that only comes later – Ed].
“Whatever Danielle told her, Lauren did not check with me whether what she had been told was true. I was confused and hurt as I couldn’t think of anything I had done wrong to her.”
Chaplin, in the meantime, had maintained a friendship with Fine’s mother. “I would occasionally call on her – always by prior appointment – to take some flowers or just for a chat. She is a Mills & Boon addict. I started writing a Mills & Boon-type romance and would take bits of the manuscript to her for proofing; really just to entertain her.”
On 27 September 2009 he arranged to visit Fine’s mother and took her some fluffy white slippers and some bath salts. He hadn’t visited in the previous three weeks, prompting her to ask whether he’d been away.
“She asked if it was true I’d been dating another girl at the same time I was dating Lauren. She named Danielle Vermaas. I denied it emphatically. I explained that I’d had issues with Danielle before and that I’d always loved Lauren.”
Now he knew for certain that Danielle had contacted Lauren.
And, within no time he also knew that Lauren had rushed to tell Danielle that he knew. Because, within an hour they’d spoken to each other.
Within an hour of his visit to Mrs Fine, Chaplin received a hostile message from Lauren Fine – the first communication he’d had from her since her birthday three weeks earlier: “It’s time to move on now and leave me and my family alone. Please don’t contact me and my family again!”
(Later that evening, Lauren Fine SMSed him again: “Hi Colin. I apologise for my earlier SMS. I am really not in a good space. I do, however, think it is best for you to move on.”)
Next day, it was Vermaas sending Chaplin and his mother an SMS, asking to meet. (She also got a friend to ring his mother with the same message.) All these messages were ignored. But that was hardly reason to anticipate the shock of what came next.
Three days later Chaplin got a call from the manageress at his office: the police had called, looking for him.
For an outstanding parking ticket?
No, much more serious. In fact, the office manageress told him, the police had warned her that he was to be considered dangerous. They wished to serve a restraining order on him in terms of the Domestic Violence Act.
Danielle Vermaas had filed for a protection order (a kinder title for the same thing) against him on the 28 September – the day after Mrs Fine had revealed to him that Vermaas had contacted her daughter and had claimed he’d been double-dating them.
“The day before she filed for the order against me, she wanted to meet me. It was the most bizarre thing. When she filed for the restraining order, she told the police that I was to be considered violent. She gave them my work number and my work address. The police then made several phone calls to my office.
“My head just spun.”
Chaplin runs through the haze of what ensued over the next few days. His employers said they were concerned about how clients would react to the information. “I didn’t make a big deal of it. I just quietly left. What was I going to do?
“I then had to present myself at the Cape Town Police Station with my parents to sign for receipt of the order.
“I looked at Danielle’s statement and couldn’t believe my eyes. It was all bullshit. The reasons she gave for wanting the restraining order were that I was a dishonest person who did not pay tax to SARS. She then cited an SMS from two months earlier, in which I threatened to remove her as a friend on Facebook if she did not leave me alone.”
He continues: “It was insane. There was one other thing: at the bottom of the application, she said the reason she was filing was that she had been advised to do it by my ex-girlfriend, Lauren Fine. I can’t describe how I felt. It made no sense.
“So now I have no job, somebody has a restraining order against me for no reason, and I hear that my ex-girlfriend, someone I’ve only ever been kind to, is involved.”
Danielle Vermaas’s application for a protection order – Noseweek has obtained a copy – is too long to reproduce here. Some excerpts:
A few weeks ago he sent me a sms saying “stop this facebook crap with La. If I find anyone on her site tmrw who is not meant to be there my reaction will be extreme.” … on the 12th August 2010 one sms read (because I did not respond): “Call me in the next 5 mins or I am removing you permanently.”
I received a call from Lauren Fine…She is a lawyer…She suggested a restraining order.
I am an honest and trustworthy person who does not manipulate people. He is not an honest person as he does not pay taxes to SARS.
Please grant a restraining order, because he clearly despises me and I am scared.
Based on this affidavit, Magistrate Van der Spuy granted an interim protection order against Chaplin on 29 September. It reads, in part: “The respondent [Chaplin] is ordered not to commit the following acts of domestic violence: verbal, emotional, psychological abuse; not to harass, intimidate the applicant…not to communicate with the applicant at all, except through the courts or legal representatives”.
The order had been granted without notice and without Chaplin having been given a hearing – a fact that irks him about the nature of restraining orders and the ease with which they are granted. “It’s bizarre. The man is simply presumed guilty. It’s a case of ‘better safe than sorry’.”
Confused, but determined to get to the bottom of things, Chaplin contacted law firm Abrahams and Gross for advice. The attorneys took one look at the affidavit and told Chaplin he had a serious problem.
“They said there were no grounds for a restraining order, but that it was essential to get it dismissed as soon as possible. They said that Vermaas could try to deliberately manufacture a breach of the order which would mean I could be arrested and go to jail.
“My lawyers filed an opposing affidavit. It was quite simple – address each lie and show that the last contact you had with her was two months before she filed.”
Chaplin was able to provide tax records to show that, in fact, he had overpaid tax and had actually received a refund from SARS.
Chaplin’s answering affidavit is also in Noseweek’s possession.
Excerpts include: “The application is… ill-fated and amounts to a mockery of the true objectives of the Domestic Violence Act…Applicant and I never lived together in a relationship or partnership of any sort. [She] was merely a friend like all the other male and female friends that I have… [If] the scope of the Domestic Violence Act were to extend to an area as in this case…any confrontation in the normal scope of a friendship could be construed as domestic violence, with absurd consequences.”
His answering affidavit details how Vermaas sent “friend” requests to Chaplin’s friends on Facebook, which prompted him to tell her, in August 2010, that he was “permanently removing” her as a friend on Facebook. He says, “It is astonishing to note how the Applicant is distorting the true facts by using the phrase to mean that I have committed some sort of Domestic Violence against her”.
A lawyer from Abrahams and Gross attended the magistrate’s court, where he served the opposing affidavit on Vermaas.
Chaplin’s attorneys said they wanted to move to a court date. That was when Vermaas said that she wanted none other than Lauren Fine to represent her. Chaplin’s attorney reported: “[This} will be a complete disaster simply because Ms Fine will be a witness in the matter and I can see no reason why Ms Fine will want to get involved. Ms Vermaas also indicated that her main concern was that our client [Chaplin] was badmouthing her in and around the Jewish community from which she obtained most of her work.”
The next court date was set down, for 3 November last year, which left Chaplin with the interim order hanging over him and the cost of yet another court appearance.
On the return date, Vermaas showed up with an attorney – not Fine – and changed her tune once again. “Now she was asking for a restraining order requiring me to stop stalking her.”
Chaplin laughs bitterly: “I don’t even know where she lives or works and hadn’t seen her in 11 months. She just wanted me to be found guilty of something”.
Chaplin received the following confirmation from family law attorney Bertus Preller on November 3: “I wish to confirm that Ms Vermaas has withdrawn her application. Initially she wanted an apology and an agreement that you won’t stalk her in future, which we naturally refused and we demanded that the matter go to trial, however, her attorney backed off and withdrew the application.”
When the attorneys phoned him with the good news that the application had been withdrawn, Chaplin heaved a sigh of relief. “I thought, phew, it’s all gone away.”
Chaplin goes on: “So, the application is dismissed, she walks out. At this stage, one side of me is relieved, as the stalker girl is gone, but another part of me feels aggrieved. Firstly, I had incurred unnecessary legal costs – I had stopped counting at R20,000. Secondly, I was furious that an unsubstantiated order had been brought against me by ‘a woman scorned’ who lied to the court, and thirdly, I could not understand why Lauren Fine had become involved. I could not think of a single thing I had done against her. The only thing I was guilty of was doing good things for her and her family. In return, she branded me with the stigma of a domestic violence charge which never goes away. People just think that you go around beating up women.”
Two weeks ago, Chaplin asked a woman out. “She had heard this story that I threaten women. Cape Town is a small place.”
He can’t imagine having a normal life and a normal relationship. “To be honest, women scare the shit out of me at the moment. I have no plans to date any women for the foreseeable future.”
Asked for comment on how on earth Chaplin had an interim protection order slapped against him on the basis of that application, Magistrate Van der Spuy referred Noseweek to Linda Unuvar, Judicial Head of the Family Court in Cape Town. While reluctant to comment on an individual case, Unuvar said:
“This is an affidavit. [In Danielle Vermaas’s case, it appears to have been an unsigned statement. – Ed.] If a person takes an oath and says I have been threatened, and claims that someone is calling her at all hours and upsetting her emotionally, that is harassment. If she says under oath that any act of domestic violence is committed, the court must grant an interim protection order. That includes harrassment, intimidation, unwanted calling or SMSing. Even if such harassment is the only complaint, it still warrants an order.”
Unuvar said that once the order is served on the respondent, “the respondent can come to court and say, ‘this was served on me and it is not true, I want to bring the return date forward within 24 hours’. We give him the earliest available date. If it is urgent, we will hear it”.
Unuvar said there would have been nothing stopping someone in Chaplin’s position from asking for a counter order against his accuser and saying that in fact, he was the one being emotionally abused. “He would have had that right. He should have anticipated the hearing and asked the court for a protection order against her. We would have had a hearing within a few days.”
Unuvar stressed that protection orders are not granted if the court is not satisfied that some form of domestic violence has been committed. “If an interim order is granted, and, on the return date, the court is not satisfied, it will not confirm the order.”
Abuse of the system is the exception, she added. “We are all trained and experienced magistrates, but we do not know whether somebody is lying under oath.”
Vermaas had this to say to Noseweek: “I have spoken to my lawyer and have decided not to comment. I am very busy and am not going to invest any time in this.”
And Lauren Fine? She agreed to meet a reporter from Noseweek at a coffee shop near her office, and arrived accompanied by her colleague, Mia Gibson. The answers she gave to Noseweek’s questions do not always tally with the documentary evidence that Noseweek has seen, and were aimed at generally discrediting Chaplin, while minimising the interaction she’d had with Vermaas and her role in the latter’s application for the protection order.
The closest Fine had got to giving Chaplin an explanation for her involvement in Vermaas’s application came in a letter she wrote to his mother shortly after the order was granted. Some extracts:
“I am sure you can understand the tension it caused when he would visit my mother and she would not tell me that he’d visited. I would hear from Trayer (my mother’s domestic worker) that he had visited and what had been said. I did not make a big deal out of this as I didn’t want to upset my mother and I assumed Colin was visiting with only good intentions.
“On 28 September I phoned home only to be told by Trayer that Colin was there again and talking to my mother about me. This upset me, as my mother had mentioned the day before that having visitors was very tiring. …When I came home … my mother confirmed … that Colin had made certain derogatory remarks about Danielle, which I do not believe to be true.
“Since I had been advised by Danielle that Colin had threatened her in the past – and I now knew he was aware that she and I had made contact… I did telephone Danielle, and I told her that if Colin were to threaten her with any further legal action, she should contact me to discuss it.
“Danielle advised me that she was scared Colin would harm her and she was thinking of taking out a restraining order… I advised her (as I would with anyone) that if she genuinely felt threatened… then she should get a restraining order. She asked me to assist her and I told her that she should ask the police…
“I am certain that the contents of this email…will be upsetting to you. I have not forgotten the beautiful things that Colin has done for my family and me, but I have had equally numerous unpleasant experiences involving Colin…
“Wishing you and Colin only the best. Lauren.”
Now, she told Noseweek that he was “weird”, that friends had told her he was an alcoholic (she confirmed that he had never consumed alcohol or smoked in her presence throughout their relationship in deference to her wishes, but now believed this to be a sign that he was “obsessive”); she said he was a “stalker” since friends had told her they had seen him “lurking” near her office and she believed she had seen him “lurking” downstairs from her Sea Point apartment; that he kept visiting her mother “day and night” just to irritate her [Lauren]; that she had shown his “Mills and Boon” manuscript to a psychologist and a psychiatrist she knew and they had both described it as “abnormal, verging on psychotic”. [She sent us a copy, which I read in lurid anticipation, only to find it pretty harmless, even good, as Mills and Boon novels go. My diagnosis: that psychologist and psychiatrist must be “verging on the psychotic” – Ed.]
But, she emphasised, what really upset her were Chaplin’s “endless” lies. [i.e. don’t believe anything he tells you? – Ed.]
Did she herself have any reason to believe he might be violent? “Yes.” Why? “When he got angry, he would just get up and leave.”
Later Fine would add to the list that a “good friend” had recently told her Chaplin had plans to abduct her.
Chaplin’s retort: “What am I supposed to do with her, once I’ve abducted her? It is becoming increasingly clear that in order to justify what she did last year, she has attacked my character by spreading rumours and lies about me. I have now been accused by Lauren of being a liar, capable of irrational behaviour, an alcoholic, a cheating bastard and most recently an abductor. The last is just ludicrous.”
And what about Danielle Vermaas? Noseweek asks Fine.
“She contacted me on Facebook and we arranged to meet. We compared notes and worked out that Colin had been cross-dating us. She told me Colin had sent her a “weird” sms threatening that if she did not leave me alone, I [Lauren] was going to bring court applications against her. [Vermaas has not produced any evidence to support this allegation. – Ed.]
“I told her, if he threatens you like that, rather phone and ask me what the true position is.”
Fine explained her involvement in Vermaas’s protection order. “Danielle called me on my cell phone when I was in the car rushing to Rondebosch to attend the HPCSA hearing of Sylvia Ireland’s former psychiatrist, Dr Berrard. She told me that Colin had threatened her – I wasn’t interested how – and that she was really frightened. She asked if she could get a restraining order. I said yes, if you’re scared. She asked if I could help her, but I said no, I don’t practise criminal law and I don’t want to get involved. I wouldn’t know where to start. I suggested she go to the police. It’s the advice I would have given to anyone.”
That was it? All on the spur of the moment?
“That was it.”
Surely the evidence suggests Vermaas had been “stalking” Chaplin, rather than the other way around? “Yes, they’re both weird. I want nothing more to do with either of them.”
Fine told Noseweek that Chaplin had given lawyer Mia Gordon copies of several of these illicitly obtained Facebook printouts. But, she said, she was not at liberty to show them to us as they were the subject of a police investigation. The police, she added ominously, believe they know the address from which the Facebook interloper operated.
Matters get stranger still: between February and May this year, Fine’s Facebook friends started receiving abusive messages about her, all emanating from Vermaas’s Facebook address. A sample: “How’s your stupid Jewish friend now. She’s a loser.”
She addressed a lawyer’s letter to Vermaas demanding that she immediately stop sending these messages and threatening court action.
Vermaas’s lawyers responded by saying that someone had pirated Vermaas’s Facebook site and that her friends, too, had been receiving abusive messages. And that she had already reported the matter to the police.
So who’s up to no good now? And who’s trying to mislead whom?
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Thanks, Nicole, and good luck with your studies. It’s cool to hear from a female law student who’s morally outraged by these travesties, which I’m sure are universal. Certainly there are outspoken critics of them in England and Canada, besides in the U.S.
I put up a post about this story (only citing a few passages from it) but didn’t use the full names of the parties involved (I’m not a lawyer, so I’m leery of liability): “‘Women scare the sh— out of me’: When Restraining Orders Are Petitioned by Female Stalkers against Men Who Treat Them Sensitively.”
Worse yet than what you’re told in class is that perjury often succeeds, which means this “serious criminal offense” not only goes unpunished; it’s rewarded. I’m sure you appreciate that this case was only brought to your attention because it was investigated by a reputable news source and published.
At least one American lawyer has voiced frustration on this blog with how offhand superficial or false allegations are accepted and validated (actually naming local judges whose rulings s/he was disgusted with), and many attorneys’ websites acknowledge restraining orders are used falsely and may attract plaintiffs who are mentally aberrant.
The Cape Town judge quoted in the story admits that orders like this are basically issued automatically (ask and ye shall receive) and that judges don’t know whether petitioners are lying. Implicit in her statement is that no proof positive of anything is required.
I don’t know what standard of evidence is applied to restraining order trials in South Africa, but here it’s discretionary. Whether orders are “affirmed” or “dismissed” just depends on how the judge feels about the plaintiff’s claims and what his or her sense of the plaintiff’s sincerity is—and since 1994, our federal government has passed legislation approving the appropriation of billions of tax dollars to be devoted to “training” our police officers and even our judges how to act (namely to treat allegations of abuse made by women as urgent and legitimate). This isn’t called prejudicing judges, because the government is the entity doing the prejudicing. Judges are in a sense literally bought. Grants are awarded to courts in return for their officers’ submitting to reeducation. Sounds like the stuff of conspiracy nuts, but it’s all done out in the open.
Colin, the man in the story, was able to get representation. Most defendants can’t afford it and may not understand the need. No one goes into a courtroom after being issued one of these orders understanding how accelerated and biased the procedures associated with them are. They assume (reasonably) that they have rights, that the truth will prevail, etc.
Here’s a story I just read by an American psychologist who advocates for men (who are usually the victims of procedural abuses): “In His Own Words: Dangerous Crazy Bitch Ahead.” At the end, it features a description of an abused man’s being castigated by a judge for introducing allegations against a patently disturbed woman.
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How can I fight an order? It’s in place. My divorce attorney didn’t give me proper guidance. Ex used it maliciously. It was false. Lies used to obtain. No evidence. Only a statement that I made a comment. She was “afraid”. No witnesses. Now haven’t seen daughter for over a year.
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Successfully fighting a restraining order typically depends on acting fast. Whatever you did now, you’d almost certainly need representation to ensure it had a chance at succeeding. For that reason, you’d probably be smart to call around and talk to some attorneys to discover if there’s one in your area who thinks s/he could help. Google might be of use, too. You’re bound to be more discriminating now that you’ve seen how legal games are played.
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Can somebody please help me? A relative of mine was being harassed by a psycho ex girlfriend. After suggesting he get an order of protection against her for having people stalk him on her behalf, she filed one against him based on false claims of physical abuse! The judge ruled in her favor at the hearing, even though she brought no evidence, and couldn’t even remember the story she wrote in the initial temporary order when speaking to the judge! Now my relative has an ACTUAL record! He lives in fear that she or her friends will break into his apartment! Now that the judge ruled against him (she was female, by the way), what can we do?????????????????
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1. If it’s at all possible, secure the services of an attorney. The protection order can be appealed to the next highest court. A new trial could even be requested if a lawyer determined there were grounds (like demonstrable fraud). If it’s not possible to hire an attorney, the order could still be appealed by the defendant (the odds of success just diminish significantly).
2. Keep a log of all future incidences: trespassing, contacts of any kind, conversations on social media between the accuser and her friends, etc. Document anything that can be documented (that is, get any proof that’s available, be it records, photos, video, or whatever).
3. Consider what witness corroboration may exist to substantiate the “psycho” behavior (that is, who else might be able to testify).
When an abuser preemptively gets a restraining order (and especially when the abuser is a woman), it’s very hard to convince a judge of the truth after the fact. New evidence, though, might be grounds to get a restraining order—for example, if the woman and her friends did break into his apartment or even just threatened to. Your relative could still petition a restraining order even if no new abuses occur; it’s just less likely that a judge would approve it owing to the existence of the one against him (especially if he tells the judge there’s an order against him).
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I have a restraining order against me from having any kind of contact with my ex girlfriend but we have been seeing eachother trying to work things out. Now we are no longer talking to eachother, will I get into trouble if she tells authorities that we previously had contact? Contact, meaning…
Dating and dinners.
I have records of text messages between us but im afraid of her filing a complaint of me breaking the restraining by having contact with her.
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Your concern’s a legitimate one, and if the restraining order was only one-way (i.e., if you were the only party “restrained”), then you would be the party at fault (exclusively). The real horror with these orders is that if someone’s feeling vengeful, they’re the easiest thing in the world to manipulate. She could say anything.
It might be smart to “ride out” the term of the injunction (even then claims can be made, and it can be renewed). Hang on to all evidence you have that supports that the violation was with the plaintiff’s consent (texts, emails, phone records, receipts, photos, etc.).
If it’s feasible, it’s never a bad idea to talk to an attorney. I don’t know what one could do for you in this situation, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
It’d be great if you and you ex could bury the hatchet and get the system out of your lives even if you never talk to each other again.
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About 2 weeks ago, I sent her flowers (love) and she texted me saying she has a boyfriend now and im harassing her. Once I received that message, I have had NO communication with her in any way. Once I read the words harassing, that was a clear sign to completely back off. I plan on contacting a lawyer this week on this subject, in fear of charges being filed against me.
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Women have this bratty idea that they can do this, and it’s no big deal.
You’re in various police databases already because of the order she apparently got for no reason. She said she was afraid of you in a courthouse then let you buy her dinner?
Chances are she wouldn’t hesitate to complain to the authorities or a judge again, which could mean you were jailed this time.
There’s no way you can backpedal from violating the court’s order, really, but maybe she’ll leave things be. Avoidance and distance is a good idea. Talking to a lawyer is smart, too, so you know your options and vulnerabilities.
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Yes, the court granted her a restraining order. I have weekly visitation visits for our 3 yr old son. Seeing eachother during our exchange brought us closer each week. It went from talking about our sons daily needs during his time with me, to talks about us and before I knew it, we were texting eachother daily and then eventually having dinner dates. I have all of our text messages and videos of her spending my birthday with me, a video of our complete family celebrating our 3 yr olds birthday together and another video of us having a family dinner at Applebee’s.
Now does this sound like someone who fears me???
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It’s sad she wouldn’t have just moved the court to vacate the order. This kind of selfishness is sickening. I don’t know what an attorney could actively do for you, but you might consider asking whether s/he (the lawyer) couldn’t propose to your son’s mom that she have the order dismissed. If there haven’t been any allegations of child abuse, this can be a simple and noninvasive matter. She got the order; she can have it rescinded just as easily by filing a motion at the courthouse.
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I recently had a roommate place a stalking TPO placed on me and a dispossessory mearly to have me and my 11 year old son removed from premises for no other reasons that she wanted us to leave. It cost me over $1,000 to be displaced with 15 minutes to pack a suitcase. After 2 months, the TPO was dismissed and I was awarded $630 for “relief” with the dispossessory.
This still does not relieve the embarissment and mental anguish my disabled son and I have suffered at the hands of mad woman.
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Hi Steph,
I certainly understand the mental anguish …mine came with a huge dose of humiliation. And it’s not just females. I am female and 51 yr. old. Two years ago my own sister and mother were granted ex-parte PPO on me. I fought till I had nothing left. Judge didn’t care. He didn’t even know MI law…WTF. My attorney objected on record…and still nothing. Hang tough and come back soon…I will write my story of injustice.
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Do I have this right? A woman who’s roommates with a woman accuses her roommate of “stalking” and has her and her disabled child evicted?
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I have a friend that has been married two and a half years. HIS FIRST INJUNCTION was made only five months after they were married. MY boy friend and I met Tim and Sara out one night in November. IT was my first time meeting Sara. I liked her actually. She was funny, outgoing and nice. AT FIRST . As the drinks went down, her attitude changed, right into a straight bully to Tim. AT the place we were at, she threw a drink in his face, still wondering why two years later, and badgering him. WE all decided to go back to their house, and my guy and I were hoping this wouldn’t escalate anymore. We got to their house, AND YEP, IT DID ESCALATE. ONLY BY ONE PERSON….SARA.. ..SO Tim went to the garage, where he spoke with Randy to just start out of sight. She and I were in the other room, where I just tried to get her attention elsewhere. SHE PACED, kept going to the garage, commenting on nothing TO DO WITH ANYTHING, JUST to be mean, slamming doors. The more he stayed away, the angrier she got. After awhile, Randy and I had to leave, it was way into the middle of the night. I wish now we hadn’t. Soon to find out, she put a domestic violence order in play, stating she woke up in the middle of night and found Tim in the garage choking the dog, then she stated, that he came in after her, threw her across the room , in which broke her tail bone. HE THEN kicked the phone out of her hand, leaving her last there in horrible pain, on the floor for an hour and a half.. THERE IS NOT ONE DOCTOR CLAIM EVER, HOSPITAL BILL EVER AND THAT’S BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED, NONE OF IT, which THE EVER PART IS UP NEXT.. SINCE THEN, SHE VIOLATED HIM OVER A PHONE CALL ON THE DAY ACTUALLY 45 minutes before , the hearing, he was arrested, as soon as the 4 Minute hearing was over. She asked the court the weeks later to remove the order. IT WAS GRANTED, BUT IT’S ON HIS RECORD, HE WENT TO JAIL, AND COURT AS THEY CONTINUED TO LIVE TOGETHER.. TRUST ME, I WOULD HAVE NOT STATED WITH HER OUT ANYONE THAT DID THAT TO ME, TIM DID… NOW, he is in jail, fire the last four months two years AFTER THE FIRST CLAIM, NO FALSE CLAIM SHE MADE, with aggravated stalking charges. HE IS FACING TWO YEARS IN PRISON. HE IS A GODLY MAN, WHO LOVES HIS WIFE. WHAT THE HELL FOR? You GOT ME. HE LISTENED TO EVERYTHING SHE TOLD HIM. He believed her the second time she put in a junction, WHEN SHE SAID YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO TOMORROW, IT’S GONNA BE DROPPED.. AND SHE WASN’T GOING EITHER..WELL SHE did go, and he did go, but late, after a friend’s said ” get your as up there Tim”. He went, late. She WAS THERE. SHE CAME OUT AND SAID IT WAS BEING STORED AND HE COULD BACK TO WORK.. TIM IS AN IDIOT . I’M SORRY, BE IS AND I KNOW Y’ALL ARE THINKING IT TO.LOL.. SO HE DID, HE LEFT. WANT DROPPED.. AND SHE HAD HIM VIOLATED ONCE AGAIN, THE DAY THEY WERE PACKED AND READY TO MOVE TO MISSISSIPPI, WHERE HE WAS TRANSFERRED WITH HIS CURRENT JOB. ALONG WITH HIS BELONGINGS AND MAIL. THAT MORNING SHE TOLD HIM “don’t bother going to get the last of the storage stuff, your going to jail today and not going with me and her daughter, and Don’t worry, you’ll be out by Tuesday, laughed and said we won’t be here. TWO HOURS LATER, HE WAS IN JAIL FOR CALLING HER. THAT’S WHEN I STOPPED IN . IT’S BEEN Literally a full time job for two months. I HAVE THE PHONE SHE, in which she forgot to get sold off and erase the messages so she could lie even more like she did on her phone. I HAVE THE CALL LOG AND TEXTS, ALL 43 calls she made to him, the last four days of his freedom, he was living with her, he had thought the injunction was dismissed. I have records showing she rented a car after injunction, to go to MISSISSIPPI to get a new house with him, the record of the accident they got into while there, AND MORE, MUCH MORE. HIS MISTAKE. HE CALLED HER IN JAIL. CONFUSED, HEART BROKEN, HIS WHOLE LIFE JUST TAKEN FROM HIM. IT’S SO BREATH TAKINGLY SO SAD, MAKING US FURIOUS, WE HAVE BEEN NONE STOP, TRYING TO GET ANYONE TO TELL US, someone that matters to free him anyway. ” Ok YOUR RIGHT she’s malicious and ok, let’s redo all this.. Let’s hold Sara responsible for making false allegations.. ANYTHING BUT THAT..WE ARE TOLD, HE SHOULDN’T HAVE CALLED.. WWWHHHAATTT? Are you kidding? I want to throw my phone, bust something, scream when I am told that, and its been at least 15 times from people in higher authority.. Please help, cuz I am not gonna stop trying, for him, and for other men.. This town is biased.. And he’s gonna go to prison, I’d I don’t get some real advice that’s solid. And my thoughts on to TIM STAYING? I WANT TO KICK HIS AS, BUT HE’S GETTING A HORRIBLE BAD LESSON , I DON’T NEED TO STATE MY OPINION TO HIM OR THROW IT IN HIS FACE. PLease help me
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An attorney might be able to unsnarl some of this, Jennifer. Don’t invest in one or let your friend invest in one, though, unless you’re confident he or she can help.
The woman you’re describing is an example of what’s called a “high-conflict person” or “disordered personality” (often these terms are synonymous). People like this usually aren’t “crazy”; they’re volatile, self-focused, and intensely invested in blaming, exacting revenge, etc. Probably the side of her you’ve seen wasn’t visible when she and her husband were courting. It emerged.
Did you ever see that TV show “The Incredible Hulk”: “You don’t want to make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry”? These people know how to act to attract, but they don’t have any empathy, and they lie easily, impulsively, and well. Often it’s not even “real lies” that they tell; they just imply. They spin facts. They think emotionally, and they think in black and white. If they want someone to like them, they fawn, flirt, and win over; if they stop caring what someone thinks or resent what someone thinks, they go cold.
Not all disordered personalities attack. Often they take out targets of spite or wrath by bad-mouthing them to others. Court processes that punish based on nothing more than superficial accusations fit perfectly with their m.o.’s. If you hadn’t seen this woman’s behavior yourself, even you might have been persuaded by her claims. People like her are very good manipulators.
We’re all so conditioned to perceive men as “bad” that women who want to manipulate the truth have a very easy time of it. They don’t really have to make up much to implicate a man as violent or dangerous.
The procedures the woman in your story abused are half-assed under the best of circumstances. Cops, judges, and district attorneys have had it impressed upon them that the priority is to prosecute, blame, and incarcerate. It’s not about the truth; it’s about what they can make stick—mostly against men who’ve been accused of violence or even just the threat of it. Almost anything can be made to sound sinister when it’s described by someone who’s saying (or implying) she’s afraid.
Like I think you mention, hearings to give an accused person a chance to defend him- or herself may be just a few minutes long. They’re shams.
I’ve defended myself with the same sort of evidence you have (phone calls, texts, emails). If there’s not an attorney arguing their importance, and a judge isn’t worried about a case being overturned by the court of appeals and an embarrassing opinion emerging, he or she may just blow them off. District attorneys and judges are often more politician than defenders of truth, justice, and the American way. They do what makes the system look good and what makes them look good, and they don’t want to invite more work by recognizing on record that lies have been told.
The evidence you have may be grounds for an appeal, a motion for a new trial, or a lawsuit. Your friend will have to get representation, though. That’s critical.
Probably a family/divorce attorney would be the person to start with. One who’s worth his or her salt will be familiar with the “blame game.” This kind of sh— goes on all the time. Lawyers report it’s almost standard procedure in divorces and custody battles.
I’d recommend you do a Google search. Use terms like “family law,” “divorce,” “false accusations” (or “false allegations”), “custody,” and your hometown, and see who pops up.
It’s really good of you to defend your friend. No one in the system is going to give a damn.
I wish I could tell you there’s a way you could bring the evidence you have to light without spending money, but I’ve never heard of it happening after this much has gone down.
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WOW!!!!! I could not agree with you more. That exact same thing happened to me. I had concrete evidence my sister was lying. The judge didn’t care….We are supposed to look to those in such a position to KNOW the laws. Bull….they don’t know sh**. I had case law also. He didn’t care. The saying “to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth” is the biggest line of bullsh*t I have ever heard. Our judicial system sucks….it has nothing to do with right or wrong. It has everything to do with what side of the bed the judge got up on. I would love nothing more than to call these people out. But…….it would take huge amounts of money I don’t have. Now, what’s wrong with that picture???? The liars and thieves are winning. Someday I’ll write a book about nonsense…this part will go in my chapter “Crock of Crap”.
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WOW!!!!! I could not agree with you more. That exact same thing happened to me. I had concrete evidence my sister was lying. The judge didn’t care….We are supposed to look to those in such a position to KNOW the laws. Bull….they don’t know sh**. I had case law also. He didn’t care. The saying “to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth” is the biggest line of bullsh*t I have ever heard. Our judicial system sucks….it has nothing to do with right or wrong. It has everything to do with what side of the bed the judge got up on. I would love nothing more than to call these people out. But…….it would take huge amounts of money I don’t have. Now, what’s wrong with that picture???? The liars and thieves are winning. Someday I’ll write a book about nonsense…this part will go in my chapter “Crock of Crap”.
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If you need someone to write a forward to your book, K., I can hook you up.
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LOL…I might take you up on that. Soon, I will find the time to sit and write my whole story. Like most all on here it is ridiculously unbelievable! The saddest part is the beginning, which was my beautiful 17 yr. old niece committing suicide by hanging. This is when my nightmare began. I’ll chat soon.
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If you’d like to publish the basics of your story here (and could stand an editor’s intrusions), you’re welcome to. Some of the most trafficked posts on the blog are about individual’s stories.
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I really need a ghost writer…I have had some unfortunate issues in the past few years. The only mental relief has been to make some (not all) funny. Even my Dr. said…K you should write a book about this some day. Hmmm..now that I’m broke (legal fees) perhaps I should entertain that. LOL
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Probably your story would have to be pretty compelling to interest a publisher, but you never know. A teaser posted here with the nuts and bolts would be something you could direct an agent’s attention to. A lot of agents accept emailed submissions these days. And it’s a lot smarter to get an agent’s approval before starting on a big project. Unless you’re just writing to get the poison out.
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Will do!
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My fiance’s ex-husband filed an ex-parte false PPO against me in Michigan. I am in the process of appealing. Today, he began driving by my house slowly, and even pulled in when he knew he was not picking his kids up at my house. My question is whether or not until I am granted a hearing, do I have to leave my home when I know he is coming to pick up his kids?
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Does the order specify that you keep a minimum distance from him?
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why am i having such a hard time obtaining an elderly restraining order against this woman that has one against me???
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The game works this way, Ronald: if someone has done nothing, you can get a restraining order against him or her (especially him) by reciting these magic words: “I’m in fear for my life” or “I daily fear for my safety.” Presto! If you’re saying someone’s “out to get you,” has “lied about you,” has “ulterior motives,” etc. AND that person has gotten a restraining order against you by saying the magic words, you’re probably going to be disappointed.
It’s all about the magic words.
It’s often reported judges don’t “find” merit in an accuser’s claims, per se; what judges say, rather, is that it’s more important to them that someone feel safe. They act on the magic words, not the facts. The don’t appreciate any of the ramifications of receiving a damning verdict from the court (like encouraging a liar to go on lying, like emotionally scarring a wronged defendant—or like completely upending his or her life).
Do you have grounds you could recite to a judge that have given you cause to “fear for your safety”? An urgent and present motive for fear?
The reason the game isn’t exploited even more than it is is that a lot of people can’t be dishonest. They expect reasonable facts to be interpreted reasonably by judges.
It doesn’t work that way.
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It would probably be wise to be scarce when this guy visits. If you know when to expect him, and there’s another adult to look after the kids, maybe pop out to a coffeehouse for an hour.
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About 4 months ago – I started a friendship with a local neighborhood woman. I didn’t know her very well – and was only familiar with her and her boyfriend from a local bar that I used to frequent.
The friendship started when she and her boyfriend broke up. She saw me walking down the street one day and caught up with me as I was buying my lunch. She ended up sitting at my table while I ate my lunch and it was she who informed me about her breakup with her boyfriend.
She told me almost immediately from that first encounter that her boyfriend was abusive towards her. In hindsight – this should have raised a red flag, but I’m a sucker when it comes to defending people from bullies.
To make a long story shorter – for the next 2 months – this woman and I became friends. I genuinely believed that she had been abused by her ex-boyfriend. And I felt a little trapped in that I did not want to abandon her – since she pointed out that part of his abuse was getting all of his friends (which were also her friends) to ostracize her.
My friendship with her ended when I decided to sit down and talk frankly with her ex. I wanted to hear his side of the story since I had only exclusively heard her side. And to be honest – I was starting to have my doubts about a fair amount of what I was being told by her. This distrust stemmed from an incident in which the woman asked me to lie for her and pretend that I was present to witness an incident of abuse. Of course, I declined and was upset with the request.
After speaking with the ex a couple times. Long discussions that took hours each time; I came to the conclusion that I had been lied to by this woman from the beginning. What she claimed as abuse was actually just coincidental run ins with her ex because the community we live in is a college area and it is difficult to not hang out at the same places.
Fast forward a few months later and I just recently heard from the woman’s ex that she had filed a RO against him claiming abuse. When I last spoke with him – he had sworn to me that he wasn’t stalking her or threatening her prior; and also promised me that from that night on – he will have absolutely no contact with her. And I believe him based on conversations I’ve had with some of his friends. He has move one, and yet he gets slapped with this RO.
I’m considering if I need to step up to help the ex-boyfriend. Maybe testify on his behalf when his hearing comes up. There is one more incident that is the main reason why I feel I need to help; during one of my conversations with the ex – he asked me if it was okay if he handed over to me some fragile items that belonged to the woman that he still had at his apartment. I told him that I would bring this up with her and that I fully expected that she would be delighted to get these items back. But when I brought the subject up withe woman the next afternoon – she went crazy and went on a four hour rant about how I should have forced him to return the items himself. She said she refused to accept the items from anyone but the ex. When I pressed her for a logical reason for this demand; she said that in her mind; she did not make the decision to end the relationship. So because of that – to her the relationship isn’t over. She said that by forcing him to deliver the items himself – she would have a chance to force him to explain to her why he wants to end the relationship.
This – in my opinion is action that is contrary to someone who is filing an RO. He was trying to get away from her – and she was the one who would not let go.
The question now is do I get involved. Should I get involved?
Thank you for any advice you can give.
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I’ll reply at length soon. I think your help could make a big difference in how this man is perceived by the court.
Compare this woman’s story (from Saturday) to yours:
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/restraining-order-q-a/#comment-34468
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Sorry, I saved your comment to review last night, but my system wiped the browser during an automated Windows update. So I’m responding from memory (the reliability of which has become iffy). Don’t hesitate to comment again. I’m usually able to reply within 36 hours.
You could, yes, testify on this man’s behalf as a material witness. To acquaint you with the “appeals process” very briefly, it’s often over and done with in minutes (the accused stand there stunned when a summary verdict is entered against them and wonder what the hell just happened). Men who’ve been accused of stalking or abuse typically have a window of 10 to 20 minutes to hastily disgorge their version of the facts. If their versions don’t decisively confute the allegations against them, they stick. Plaintiffs (particularly female plaintiffs accusing men) don’t have to prove they’re in danger, per se. They merely need to make a forceful impression. The expression of fear coupled with some unascertainable claims (he did this, he did that) works great. Details can even be pure fictions (there’s no fact-checker). No proof of anything is necessary. Allegations = facts.
In this case, the contradictory testimony of a woman could make all the difference. Even your presence there could make a judge check his or her (especially his) impulse to drop the hammer. It’s a shame on the system, but often these hearings are just a pretext for judges to enjoy some gratuitous badgering and belittlement. Grown men leave the courtroom in tears.
The standard applied to these hearings is “preponderance of the evidence.” Preponderance means weight. Whoever makes the deeper impression wins (or at least that’s how it’s supposed to work). Since defendants start with a judgment against them (the preliminary order) and since an accuser’s being a woman is already a preponderant factor, the man in your story needs all the counterweight he can get. An attorney, of course, would be ideal, but even the presence of an attorney may be insufficient.
If you can cast doubt on the motives and mental stability of the accuser, that could be big. (Accusers are often motivated by spite aroused from rejection or criticism—whether real or just real to them. People with character disturbances are hypersensitive to anything they perceive as an injustice or slight.)
I can’t guarantee anything will make a difference, because it’s often the case that judgments are automated, but your controverting this woman’s claims might make the decisive difference between a win and a loss (which has far-reaching ramifications that aren’t acknowledged or appreciated by judges and that include psychological corrosion besides impact on relationships and employment prospects).
It’s good of you to think of helping. Most people—and I speak from experience—prefer to avert their eyes and avoid involvement.
Being accused is very isolating—and being successfully accused can be very isolating for a long, long time.
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My boyfriend just found out he was going to be issues a RO from his neighbor. The neighbor claimed she is in fear of her life which is preventing her from even going outside. She is claiming he is harrassing her by being outside (period) and making noise in his garage.
Back story…this women (aka Sally) has called the police on just about everyone in the neighborhood claiming harrassement in one way or another. She called the police on him last weekend for riding his 4-Wheeler. This is not uncommon in this neighborhood as it is very small neighborhood, very family oriented and out in the country.
The first ‘incident” was well before any noise disturbance ordinance. He and another neighbor did get a ticket because her security camera’s showed them going from his house to the other’s house. The ticket was for riding on a paved road. The police officer informed him had he been in his yard there would have been nothing she could do about it. Since then he has made sure to stay in his yard. It just so happens he is off this week from work and has been working in his garage on a few projects. The garage is on the side of the property that he shares a property line with this women.
Today he was working in his garage and cutting a very large metal trailer. A neighbor sent him a text message that the Sherrif’s department was at “Sally’s” house again. After the sherrif left, my boyfriend called the department to inquire as he was fearful she was calling about him and sure enough he was informed she is seeking a RO against him. We just don’t understand how this is even possible. He was outside doing work and she’s calling the police on him. We aren’t even sure if we need an attorney or what his rights are. At this point it very much feels like she is harrassing him. Is there such thing as a counter-suite? Defemation/Slander? We just don’t even know where to go with this…we are completely dumbfounded. This is his neighbor…soon to be our neighbor as I will be moving in with him by the end of the month. So are we stuck with having to have these false allegations thrown our way until one of us gives up and moves?
Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated!
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I’ll reply at greater length soon, Sarah. Briefly, though, you, your boyfriend, or you, your boyfriend, and others of your neighbors could (separately) apply for restraining orders against this woman if she’s tormenting everyone in her vicinity. Your neighbors could also testify in your boyfriend’s defense. Talking to an attorney would be a good idea. You could also start thinking defensively, documenting this woman’s actions and behaviors, etc.
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You’re not the first person to report this kind of thing from a screwball neighbor, Sarah. I can tell you that one woman I corresponded with did successfully petition a restraining order against a cranky neighbor who made accusations against her and others in the neighborhood (which only inspired the screwball neighbor to flip her off).
These processes are so easily abused by people with kinks and perversions (like hysterics and attention- and vengeance-seekers). In about half the cases I’ve had described to me, the neighbor was in late middle age or elderly and alone. People like this answer to no one and have nothing better to do. I’m generalizing, but to some kinked brains, even negative attention is attractive.
If you follow the link in the paragraph above, you’ll read a story about a man who’s been put through hell. His neighbor has a security camera, too. There’s in fact a theme of security cameras running through a number of comments on the blog about the behaviors of screwball neighbors (and the presence of a camera is by itself suggestive of how these people’s brains are wired: a component of socially malignant personality disorders is paranoia—and an urge to blame or get the dirt on people).
This post is about filing a cross-petition or reciprocal restraining order: “‘Can I Get a Restraining Order against the Same Person Who Got One on Me?’” It explains some of the obstacles. Generally, though, it is possible to get a reciprocal order if you’re persistent enough and file a separate petition. You’d have to work out a basis for applying, though. It’s unfortunately the case that saying, “I’m afraid for my life!” works great (especially for women), but saying, “This lady has it out for us,” may not count for anything. Filing false reports with the police probably is statutory harassment (check your state’s harassment law). This all gets knotty, though, because if the court upholds the woman’s order, it’s not going to want to recognize that the woman’s reports were false.
You see why enlisting an attorney is a good idea.
A lawyer always improves the odds of success in court at shutting this kind of conduct down, which can become chronic if it succeeds even once. (One 60-year-old woman I’ve corresponded with was forced to vacate her home to avoid further allegations from her female neighbor. When I last talked with her, she’d been accused of murdering her neighbor’s horse—and her neighbor had reported her to animal rights organizations, besides the police and court. The woman was single, living remotely like your boyfriend, with no family nearby. She was the feminist ideal—a self-sufficient woman. When she last wrote, she was planning on selling her house and was living as a refugee with a virtual stranger, a man she met who was good enough to take her in.)
As ridiculous as what you’ve described sounds, I can’t tell you a judge won’t find it compelling. To quote Law Professor Aaron Caplan: “As with family law, civil harassment law has a way of encouraging some judges to dispense freewheeling, Solomonic justice according to their visions of proper behavior and the best interests of the parties. Judges’ legal instincts are not helped by the accelerated and abbreviated procedures required by the statutes.” What he means, essentially, is that there’s a very real element of “anything goes” in this arena, and procedures are started and finished in minutes. The woman you’ve mentioned doesn’t have to prove she’s in danger; she only has to convince the court that she’s legitimately afraid.
If you elect to talk with an attorney, emphasize that this woman has accused others of harassment. Talk with your neighbors and get the details (and copies of the actual reports). If you weren’t named in any of this woman’s complaints, you could do the legwork safely to save some money (don’t, however, initiate or respond to any contact from her). You should consider doing the same thing if you choose not to hire an attorney. Basically you’d probably want to show the judge that this woman is a serial accuser (loony).
Definitely (and promptly) apply for an appeals hearing if the court doesn’t automatically schedule one. Some states (Michigan and Arizona are examples) don’t automatically slate hearings. (If you’re in Arizona, incidentally, you can postpone requesting an appeals hearing immediately. Arizonans can petition a hearing at any time during the term of the injunction).
Also, keeping a low profile would be a good idea until you’ve had a chance to answer the charges. It’s not unknown for screwballs to petition restraining orders and then immediately report contrived or imaginary “violations.”
(The necessity of having to do this, by the way, might be the basis for petitioning an order of the court of your own: you feel like you’re living with crosshairs on the back of your neck. Check with an attorney about this if you choose to hire one. Consulting with an attorney by phone to learn if s/he could help you is free. You might also Google restraining order defense + attorney + your hometown and see if there’s someone locally who specializes in this area of law.)
Restraining orders are the best “foot in the door” for screwballs to completely dismantle others’ lives with a little hysterical exaggeration and BS. They’re a power-trip gateway drug.
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my ex husband’s family just filed their second bogus restraining order against me to overturn custody of our 13 year old. the first one, 3 years ago, i spent 3 months and $25,000 to fight and got my son back. this one? i promised myself not to fight if they tried again and i didn’t and lost today in court. they upheld the emergency order of protection and extended a restraining order against me for no contact with my own son for nothing i did at all, for 2 years. my son wants to be with them, so i’m not fighting. i just don’t want him to grow up thinking i did anything wrong and that’s why they took him from me. i don’t need to lose any more money and get fired from any more jobs trying to fight… i’m done.
restraining orders such when used for ulterior motives. unfortunately, they’re used to legally kidnap children and i wish anyone who’s going through what i’m going through strength and health.
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I’ll put up a post about your tribulations. Thank you for bringing them to light. You’re a brave and persevering person, and I’m sorry for your anguish.
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My son was divorced 6 years ago an in the divorce he was awarded custody of his two children because of the mother’s alcohol and drug abuse. Prior to the divorce filing she had went an obtained a Order of Protection against him claiming abuse an wanting custody of their children an for him to leave the residence but her mistake at this time was she gave the children to him before he was served with the papers so he kept the children with him an then the divorce proceedings were filed.
Recently they decided to try an reconcile after she had finished her rehab an contacted him an told him she missed her family she was sorry and she knew that is was her fault etc etc. Against my advice he moved back in with her an lived with her for about 8 months when he realized that things were no different she was still abusing pills an god knows what else. The day he was moving out she went to the court an filed another order of protection alleging abuse against her and the children ( she had been secretly tape recording their arguments were he told her that he had custody of their children an when he left they went with him (loudly) never any physical abuse. The court granted the temporary order an she received temporary custody of their children (which was dismissed at the hearing) but she maintained temporary custody until he proved that he was not a drug addict and until he took all these classes anger management, drug course and parenting class but nothing has been required of her an she was the one who was absent from her childrens life because of drug addiction for about 5 years maybe seen them 8 or 10 times, she has been to rehab not him, she has never maintained a permanent residence up until a year ago.
Well it was time for the case to go back to court for the final hearing on the custody issue, when she had him arrested for domestic assault at a football game for their son alleging that he beat her with a helmet in front of a hundred or more people she only alleged this about an hour after the game had ended and he was arrested because she he a red mark on her chest. There was witnessed that told the police they did not see anything happen and they all walked out together but he still went to jail. Just a note she had her boyfriend, brother, brother in law, mother and several friends with her at this game nobody could confirm anything except her mother. After this about a week later he was served with another order of protection an has not had any contact with his children for over a month. I have seen them an they have told me their mother says that they cannot see their daddy anymore the only parent these kids have ever know up until last year. The kids are 10 an 8 years old you can see the pain in their eyes they are even scared to ask about the father because they may get in trouble with their mother.
I truly believe that this law needs to be overhauled as to better meet the needs of woman who are truly abused an need it, but I do not know how to start
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Telling your story is a start. The first annual International Conference on Men’s Issues was held this year, and it has aroused some attention—even some favorable attention. The kinds of abuses you’ve described have been tolerated for decades. They’ve become standard practice. The system is virtually automated, like a machine. So it’s terribly difficult to inspire policy change. The federal government has, besides, invested some $10 billion over the past 20 years toward beefing up the laws that your daughter-in-law exploited.
Spreading the word and bringing cases like this to light is a positive step. The most zealous advocacy of these laws comes from women. So it’s especially valuable for women like you to contribute to the dialogue. The sort of woman who supports these laws only pays attention when other women report injustices and abuses.
I’m sorry for your pain and for your son’s and grandchildren’s.
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My soon to be Ex had a restraining order on me. My spouse threw me out of the house and took my kids away from me. We went thru a full evidentiary hearing in early this year. It was finally dismissed last week. Now, how does this affect the custody hearing? I also have a forensic report in my favor to have custody of my kids.
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Anything I said would be speculation. If it’s within your means, an attorney’s help would be worthwhile. It’s said judges favor moms, but I know of a mom who’s broke, whose husband is charming (literally, I think, a used car salesman), and who was assigned a female judge. The mom got the short end of the stick. Probably more often dads do. Some judges know restraining orders aren’t trustworthy and discount them, some know and pretend otherwise, and some don’t know.
Some people are issued restraining orders by judges who aren’t even judges. If you ever see the phrase “judge pro tem,” it means the person wearing the robe is temporary help.
The conceit is that there’s a uniform procedure for fairly determining rights and consequences, and that rulings are uniformly just. Neither is true. People I work with and I were deceived by someone we were in a barter relationship with a few years ago. The paper contract (drafted to satisfy the board of directors) and our “gentlemen’s agreement” were very different, the “partner” abruptly reneged, and an attorney said the law was in his favor since the barter deal wasn’t documented. Then the attorney said, “Of course, you could win the case ‘cause the judge liked your tie.” The matter was settled out of court.
Consult with a lawyer would be my thought. Calling and having a brief confab on the phone isn’t a commitment to hire an attorney or shell out money you may not have, and you might chance on someone you click with or who at least gives you some great practical advice.
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Question for you: A Civil Harassment RO was filed against me by a sociopath. She lived in a completely different city, lied and claimed I threatened her, lied and claimed I had harassed her every day for 2 years, etc., etc. The judge DENIED her initial TRO request.
I then hired a lawyer, submitted a declaration and was prepared to fight it – when she dropped the RO request. I’m being told there’s no way to get awarded attorney’s fees now.
Can she abuse the process this way? Or are there any avenues to get my money back?
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Your attorney would be the best source of counsel, but I don’t see why you couldn’t sue for recovery of your costs in small claims. You could even allege pain and suffering, that kind of thing, but judges aren’t sympathetic to claims like this. I can’t imagine suing for the recovery of your actual costs wouldn’t be considered, though. People who prosecute frivolous lawsuits are routinely required to recompense defendants for their legal expenses.
Be glad to be rid of this, either way. Double-check, whatever you do, that the traces of her allegations have been scrubbed from your record. Even lingering vestiges of vacated orders sometimes trip people up (cost them jobs, etc.).
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Last year I went to a friend (or what appeared to be a friend) at her residence to talk to her. I was not under the impression that she was deliberately ignoring me but that with us going to different colleges and her having no social media and me not having a cell phone when we last spoke that was the only option to contact her.
I never even touched the property and I went on a day where many strangers approached the same house. When I was talking to the young woman her boyfriend interrupted saying that if she didn’t want to be friends with me I didn’t have to (despite the woman shaking my hand, identifying me, smiling, and saying NOTHING like what he was saying). The literal first thing I asked her was “can we speak in private”. If she would have said no I would have left immediately and never talked to her again. If she would have said yes the conversation would have been short and simple but her response was “what do you want to talk about” which I thought implied interest.
This woman’s father said he was not going to let me “harass” his daughter on his property. I wasn’t on his property and I explained to him that harassment is unwanted attention and that she could let me know if she feels uncomfortable. He then said he didn’t give a (expletive) what his daughter said. I then told him I didn’t give a … What he didn’t give a… about. He threw me against a car and laughed telling him I was not intimidated by him. He struck me and what I assume where his family members were holding him back. We argued and the boyfriend of the young lady hit me from behind and TRIED hitting me once again with me looking at him but I deflected the hit. When the dad told the young woman to call the cops I called them first from my cell phone. I told the 911 dispatcher who hit me and where I was at. I said that if they were to let me go that I didn’t want any police to come or charges to be filed or anything. On my ride home I noticed that my eyeglasses were knocked off. I had my mother go back to get them and when they were being hostile towards her I pulled out my camera phone to discourage them from doing anything else and an argument ensued because my mom was upset at what happened.
days later a mutual friend of me and the young lady requested me on Facebook. Hours later she unfriended me and it appeared to be some kind of trap to get information out of me. I then explained what happened on Facebook. Days later I’m getting a restraining order from the young woman and another friend of hers that I never met. I am under the impression that the woman was desperately trying to protect her boyfriend and father from legal action against them for their attack on me. The other girl seems to have some longstanding grudge about some ex boyfriend of hers that was a high school friend and neighbor of mine. Both reports sounded so similar and were filed on the same day that I assume one person came up with both. Each was filled with many flat out lies, plenty I could prove and a few that would have been able to be proven if pre 2013 MySpace messages were still available to print.
I hired a lawyer and I mediated. I never even got to talk to a judge or either woman. I never even got to find out the name of the boyfriend who assaulted me. The da said it’s the sheriffs department’s job to file perjury or assault and that nothing could be done. The sheriffs said that assault is merely a misdemeanor and that I should have vindictively pursued them when they appeared to no longer be a threat. My lawyer said that it’s too late. The sheriffs say I could try civil court but I don’t know the boyfriends last name only his first. I would really like something to be done about my legal fees, my time I lost from college because of the time the I needed to take to get everything, the money for the transportation to get to the court and to a lawyer, to print out evidence, the pain and suffering caused to my family, the perjury committed, the slander made against me, the harassment, the stalker like attempts to get information about me through others even going as far as running my father’s license plates to see what city I live in etc. I also don’t want them to feel like they can do this without consequences.
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In these kinds of he-said-she-said snarls, it’s really hard for authorities, etc. to figure out what went down. Where are you at now? Was the restraining order dismissed, or is it still in effect? Were you issued two orders?
I can clarify a little about process.
First, only one person can petition a restraining order (unless things are exceptional in your neck of the woods), so if there’s only one order, your “friend” must have requested it, and her friend must have testified as a witness (or just been on hand). “Sister solidarity” is common in these situations. If you were issued an order petitioned by the “friend’s” friend, there probably weren’t sufficient grounds for that, and you’d stand a good chance of getting it “vacated” (dismissed). If you were issued an order petitioned by both the “friend” and her friend (two adult women, one order), then the order was improperly issued and may be “void” for lack of jurisdiction (in other words, the judge didn’t have the legal authority to issue it on behalf of two plaintiffs). See if both names are on the order if you only got one.
I didn’t notice you mention you appealed the order(s). That may still be an option. I know that in some states, defendants have the right to request an appeals hearing at any time during the term that an injunction’s in effect. You’d just need to file a motion with the court (and ideally procure an attorney’s help again). You could call the courthouse and ask or look up your state’s restraining order laws.
Cops don’t handle “perjury,” incidentally. Perjury is lying to the court, so it actually is the DA who would pursue those charges. A cop could probably refer a case of “false reporting” (lying to a police officer) to the DA for prosecution. Neither false reporting nor perjury is ever seriously pursued, however. They’re ignored even in cases of really heinous lying, like filing false reports of rape. So that’s a blind alley.
If you could persuade a judge with the evidence of lying you have to dismiss the restraining order(s), then you might stand a chance of being awarded costs in small claims court. If you already did appeal, and the order(s) was (were) dismissed, same thing.
I can’t advise you on legal courses, because I’m not an attorney, but you might consult with a different lawyer than the one you had. Sometimes attorneys specialize, and you might find a specialist by Googling restraining order defense + your hometown and seeing what that turned up.
Restraining orders are outrageous, because they can very easily be obtained on lurid testimony and crocodile tears, and undoing them can cost innocent defendants thousands. Years of people’s lives can be consumed by a court process it took a liar a lunch break to exploit.
Depending on what exactly happened, you could also apply for a restraining order yourself. Or more than one. Success would depend on whether you could convince a judge that you’re reasonably in fear for your safety. The boyfriend seems a likely candidate—or the father. Or even your accuser or her friend. The truth is that sometimes these orders are just rubber-stamped. The allegations might have to be refreshed if much time has passed, but you never know. If you happened to take any pictures of injuries, they might come in handy—or your mother’s or a doctor’s testimony might work.
Whether it’s in your interests to opt on a course like this is something you’d have to decide for yourself. Like I said, I can’t conscionably advise you either way. I’m just trying with limited information to point out possibly recourses.
Typically false accusers only recant if they have an interest in doing so, that is, if they have something to lose by not coming clean. If everything your accuser(s) has (have) said has so far worked in her (their) favor, you’d probably need to improve your leverage to persuade her (them) to negotiate a peace.
It’s a lot easier to get a restraining order than it is to get relief from one.
I’m sorry for your ordeal. I know what hell this business is.
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2 separate orders. They arrived to me on separate days from the same officer but reading the date that they were filed they were definitely made the same day. I am not a psychic so the best I could do in regards to figuring out how they think is to merely speculate.
I imagine my “friend” or her family exaggerated or lied about the Halloween incident to the second girl or maybe they don’t like me so much that this was done to intentionally hurt me.
The actual report is kind of funny how false it is and how random some of the things said were. It seemed filled with so much sarcasm and personal attacks I couldn’t believe that any competent professional could type it with a straight face. Even their printed out “evidence” from emails came from one another’s emails.
I’m in California. I definitely know that I could prove I did nothing illegal and that I am not a threat to them but I feel my mere interest in her from the past and the male/female biase of people was enough for them to be granted an order “for the sake of safety”.
I have no interest in talking or associating with anyone that wants to be left alone but it is bad for my record and job future to have an order on me. I to this day don’t get why anyone couldn’t just blatantly say “I no longer want to talk to you please refrain from further contact”. It would literally have been cheaper, quicker, and easier for them that way in addition to me and my family.
As far as my lawyer goes it was a “cheap” lawyer that I got at the last minute that actually gave me quite a discount. I feel that with more time, money, and support that I could have made a much better case than what actually happened.
My own mom was too lazy to get the phone records that were in her name to prove that I made the 911 call. My father (who drove my mom and me to receive the glasses) was very reluctant and slow to get me the lawyer to begin with. Even my friends who drove me there initially want me to act like I never got a ride from them. Teachers and students that know both of us and have seen a lot of past interaction between us didn’t want to say anything for or against either side.
I am the only person among my own family and friends with a squeaky clean record yet I was treated like a criminal and the people closest to me seem to either have indifference or a fear of ending up in trouble to help defend me.
From this point forward I feel like if a woman is nice to me not to trust her because she can randomly change at any moment without notice. I also now know that my friends and family won’t help me when I need them for something. I am really more upset that real abusive and dangerous men are actually getting away with crimes as we speak because their sociopathic skills make them likeable enough to get away with it, while people like me are targeted.
I actually regret my boxing and martial arts past because I would have let myself get hit more if I knew that injuries were going to help me in court instead of dodging and deflecting further hits. I also imagine if I had a friend or 2 with me they wouldn’t have felt so confident in attempting to beat me up. Had I initially pulled out the phone and recorded everything their actions would surely have been different but my original concern was my “friend’s” privacy and comfort. I had no way to predict that complete strangers would be willing to hurt me.
The internet is the last place I went for any advice. I honestly think that money was the second biggest obstacle in this whole situation. Any jobs I get are temporary and part time because I’m a full time college student. I feel like the world is against me but your words are very encouraging and make me feel better. Only 2 people have sympathized with me in the whole situation: you and the woman’s cousin whom had a private talk with me and a mutual friend and apologized on behalf of the family. My story pales in comparison to the countless fathers who have their children snatched away from them over these orders.
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This is from a 2007 law journal article by Prof. Dan Subotnik I was just looking at:
Nothing has changed. In fact NPR is featuring a series right now on sexual assault on college campuses. This is what informs the kinds of reactions you’ve gotten.
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I was just thinking and writing about feminine psychology. There’s no criticism intended by this, per se, but some women in a situation like the one you describe may have a hard time rejecting attention even if they know they should (they’re conflicted). The reason this blog exists is because women may seek attention when/where they shouldn’t and under false pretenses. The attention factor can account both for improper entanglements and false allegations, because both are sources of attention. Feminists may reject the idea, but women like attention.
The most recent post I put up was prompted by news stories about women seeking comfort (sexual attention) where they shouldn’t have and accusing men of rape to cover it up.
Consider that in your story, you provided attention (made your “friend” feel sought after, perhaps), her boyfriend and father provided attention by “gallantly” coming to her rescue, and then the whole series of events provided attention by giving the girl something to talk about with her friends and something to report to the police and the court. Common denominator: a whole lot of attention.
Psychologist Tara Palmatier acknowledges in her writing that women make allegations to gain attention. BullyOnline.org has a page devoted to this. Attention-seeking, too, is an across-the-board character trait of (“cluster-B”) personality-disordered people and a common trait of “high-conflict” people (who often have personality disorders).
This lies at the root of a lot of abuses of process, I think. The conceit is that people who seek restraining orders do so to reject attention, which is why it seems counter-intuitive to most people to hear the opposite being argued. And the opposite is often the truth: people seek restraining orders or make (false) allegations to authorities for attention.
You mentioned you tried to mediate a resolution. Did you ever appear before a judge in either case to appeal the order? If you never formally requested an “appeals hearing” in either case, that may still be an option. You’d have to check California’s statutes to see if there’s a deadline for moving the court to hear an appeal or whether you can apply for a hearing at any time during the period an order is in effect. If you applied for hearings, incidentally, and your accusers didn’t show, the orders would probably be dismissed (for “failure to prosecute”). This is something you could ask your attorney about or investigate on your own. If the term of the orders is 12 months, and they were petitioned in October 2013, there may still exist an opportunity for you to request a chance to defend.
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PURE EVIL
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I have seen vicious women do evil things to my older brother several times, but never thought it could happen to me.
long story short my girlfriend begged me to move in with her and I did. Six months later I wake up one day and she’s telling me if I don’t leave in 2 weeks she’s changing the locks and throwing my stuff out. being smarter than her and knowing my rights I knew she couldnt do that in Virginia.
little did I know all she had to do was go give the magistrate a little sob story, tell him I threatened her, and BAM I’m homeless until the protective order heading, 14 days. The very same day she filed an eviction notice, and BAM that’s permanently on my record that very same day.
What?
So you can just decide to file an eviction notice, and permanently disrupt someone’s credit and ability to buy/rent a home..on a whim!
so my court date for the protective order comes up today. I go in there feeling semi confident because I have multiple recordings of her verbally harassibg me in the home as I tell her over and over “I consider this harassment please stop talking to me”
she tells the judge that I threatened to kill her animals and her. nevermind that my record is flawless, totally spotless, never even been accused of a violent crime-he outright dismisses 7 divergent records of her screaming at me, all at different times of the day, saying “well sir in Virginia that’s technically not harassment.”
he then proceeds to tell me that her safety is more important than me having a place to sleep at night. Totally shocked by this, I can see Her snickering and smiling from the corner of my eye.
She also accused me of hitting her, without a shred of evidence.
so the judge proceeds to give me a 2 year long protective order and tell me that I’m not allowed to own or even be around a firearm for these two years.
I asked him what about all of my possessions in the house? she jumps in and says all of my things are in her car and she can give me them today. Meaning, shattered she decides to give me is what I get. the judge says if there’s anything missing I can file for that stuff.
Dumbfounding. Totally shocking.
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I’m really sorry, Mark. In Virginia, these types of rulings are made at the judge’s discretion. A judge can “decide” whatever s/he wants. It’s a travesty of justice (travesty means a gross imitation, a farce).
I think this is the applicable law:
VA. CODE ANN. § 16.1-279.1(A): “In cases of family abuse, the court may issue a protective order to protect the health and safety of the petitioner and family or household member of the petitioner.”
Martin v. Martin, No. 2740-01-2, 2002 Va. App. LEXIS 350 (Ct. of Appeals, June 18, 2002): “Order may be issued if the court finds the petitioner in ‘reasonable fear of immediate, serious bodily harm.’”
There is no requirement of proof. According to the law, all someone has to do is say s/he’s afraid. To accuse someone is to “prove” that person’s a threat. The court presumes that someone making an accusation has a real and honest motive.
I don’t like saying it, but I’ve seen this myself: Judges relish crushing people. And they don’t consider the consequences that you’ve mentioned. Or don’t care.
This is now on your permanent record. You’re officially a threat to girls and puppies. You can be denied leases irrespective of your credit. Just the presence of a “protection order” on your record is enough to prejudice a landlord (or an employer). I work for some landlords who investigate renters very thoroughly.
If you opted to appeal, incidentally—I can’t counsel you one way or another, but a lawyer could—you might consider that not only do the recordings you have speak to your ex-girlfriend’s nature; they also speak to your nature.
Violent people do not say, “I consider this harassment. Please stop talking to me.” Like—oh, I don’t know—ever?
Judges aren’t stupid; they just don’t think. They don’t feel personally obligated to, and the law doesn’t say they must.
As Loyola Law School Professor Aaron Caplan points out besides, these kinds of rulings almost never reach state appellate courts, so they never get scrutinized. Most restraining order recipients, especially in the domain Prof. Caplan writes about (“civil harassment law”), never even have attorneys.
Judges set their own rules.
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So sad. what you said about judges relishing crushing people really struck home..the judge seemed as though he had already made his mind up about two minutes into the hearing, he was smirking at me and had something to counter me with each time I spoke.
Now I’m homeless, sleeping on a stranger’s couch that I met at a bar, and driving 30 miles a day roubd trip in an overheating car just to work 4-6 hours a day for near minimum wage.
Suicide has become a very real and tangible exit strategy. So much damage has been done to me so quickly that I don’t think I can recover, and I have no support network whatsoever. It’s all too much.
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There’s something very exciting to some people when they’re granted authority. I’m terrible with it, because the idea of someone being “invested” with superiority over others by virtue of a ceremony or having the favored regard of someone else “invested with superiority” is ridiculous to me. I taught undergrad students for a few years at my university, and I never asked anyone to call me “mister.” Some of the students were older than I was. It would have felt silly. Several of the best professors I’ve ever had would have been fine with students addressing them by their first names, too. But I knew a lot of grad students younger than I was—more than one of them pompous nerds—who did insist on the “mister.” (Female teachers/professors should be excused from this criticism, because many of them do need to create a boundary to maintain their credibility.)
One of the many ironies of our justice system, it seems to me, is the idea that equity or equality can be ensured by someone who’s been given a robe and a wooden mallet and told s/he’s special. If everyone’s equal under the law, there is no “special.” The make-believe is that there’s something fair and just called “The Court,” and judges are simply objective conduits of it, like priests who are channeling values and ideals greater than themselves. I’ve encountered a number of judges who seem pretty convinced there are no powers above them. Judges forget that they’re representatives of authority. The politeness litigants in a courtroom are expected to show is to a venerated social institution. The problem with a lot of the protocols required in court is that it makes the representatives of the law they’re directed toward feel like royalty. Psychologically, it’s totally understandable. Instances of judges berating unruly litigants or even (this has happened) drawing weapons in the courtroom, though, isn’t because they’re offended by those litigants’ not paying the institution its due respect; it’s because they themselves expect to be treated with deference and obsequiousness—and they mostly are.
I was in court last year, and I had the same experience you had (and have had it in the past, too). The judge began the ceremony by pronouncing a motion I’d filed was “denied.” He emphasized the word and was obviously looking for a reaction from me. I’m generalizing based on my limited experience of them, but judges seem to determine for themselves who the “bad guy” is (often on few facts) and derive some satisfaction from making that party hurt. In these quickie restraining order procedures, the defendant (especially when that person is male) is almost always pegged as the “bad guy.”
The problem is there is no “let the punishment fit the crime” in these sorts of adjudications. The “punishment” is standard, and it’s severe, irrespective of what was alleged. Allegations don’t have to be proven, and they can range from verbal harassment to rape. The “punishment” is the same. And the implications of that punishment are always closer to the rape end of the spectrum. The groupie who sends unwanted fan mail and the domestic tyrant who has scourged his wife with a belt buckle for years are treated the same. Likewise the person who didn’t even do what s/he’s accused of.
I’m really sorry, Mark. Would it help you emotionally to present your story here?
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My ex g/f got a rest order against me & it expires in a few months. I found out she is trying to get another one & I have to go to the hearing for it. We did have some problems but she basically got the order because I didn’t move in with her. The very same night after the judge approved the order she sent me 4 emails saying if I ever change my ways & do the right things & move in she will drop the order. Well needless to say we had problems & I got in trouble for violating the order. After I got in trouble she contacted me & really wanted to see me & me being an idiot I did. It didn’t workout & I’m lucky she didn’t call the police again. She moved out of state for awhile but was sending me emails, texts, etc. She came back to the state I live in & we met out 1 night. We had a nice time & the next day we were talking on the phone on & off all day & she wanted me to meet her at a different hotel. We were talking on the phone for about week & she wanted to me come to her new place. I had no idea where she moved to after she moved back here. I told her I was going to a sporting event that weekend with a friend & she got upset. She sent me nasty messages for a couple weeks then she said she married someone else, which I know wasn’t true. Then a week later I got a call from an officer who said she accused me of raping her. I told him I did no such thing & told him how she wanted to meet me the next night & why would she want to do that if I supposedly raped her. The officer was very cool & didn’t press any charges or anything. He did ask if she had any psychological problems & I said I’m not sure. I’m lucky they didn’t even charge me with violating the restraining order. That as the last time I had any contact with her. I would get facebook messages sent to me once in awhile about she hopes I’m doing well & hope I find the woman of my dreams etc. Then about every few months for the past year I get nasty messages from her saying stop remote accessing my computer & getting in my phone & all my accounts & that the police are watching me. I have no idea how to do any of that kind of stuff. I called the police & they said she has never filed a complaint or anything saying I’ve done any of that. Now I have another hearing in about a week for the new restraining order shes trying to get. Do you think I have a chance to beat it ? I kept all the messages & emails she sent over the past couple of years. I think it’s a control issue with her & that she’s not afraid of me at all.
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Fatal attraction—I’m really sorry, Brian. I’m not a psychologist, but I can tell you that I’ve heard the same story before with a lot of significant overlaps. In fact I just wrote about a case with significant overlaps. Another one is here. Your ex probably does have a personality disorder, likely borderline personality disorder (BPD). See here for the kinds of false accusations borderlines make. I’ve heard from men and women who go through the same thing: reel in, pull away, reel in, falsely accuse, pull back, reel in, falsely accuse, withdraw, and on and on. This is when the relationship is a romantic one. Victims always describe an on-again, off-again relationship, often one whose basis is pity. That’s the deep outrage: victims are punished for caring. Personality-disordered people, once you see through them, are basically emotionally arrested children, but they have an uncanny skill at orchestrating horrible manipulations (more than one psychologist summarizes some such manipulations this way: “I hate you! Don’t leave me!”).
False allegations about hacking emails and phones are weirdly common. My guess would be they stem from paranoia, which is a trait of personality disorders.
If you’ve documented all of this carefully, that should be pretty compelling. Make sets of copies for yourself, for your accuser, and for the court (phone records, texts, emails, screenshots of Facebook—everything you’ve got). Because you’ve met with this person in violation of a restraining order, this gets a little dicey. Plaintiffs aren’t accountable for anything they do; only defendants can violate orders. So the blame for your meeting with your ex against the prohibitions of the order is yours in the eyes of the court.
Based on what you’ve said, what you told the police officer is what you’re going to want to tell the judge. The constant calls, emails, Facebook comments and taunts, etc. should put the judge wise to the kind of emotional manipulator your accuser is. You need to get across that this person has played with you like a yoyo and is abusing process to hurt you—and that she’s “off.” It might help to organize a timeline.
Personality-disordered thinking is black-and-white thinking. If you do what the person wants, you’re white; if you defy him or her in any way, you’re black, and s/he wants you to suffer. Period. Personality-disordered people don’t have qualms of conscience, will lie with a straight face and flat affect, and are immune to reason. Don’t expect your ex to admit to anything. Expect, in fact, that she’ll lie automatically and in ways that will make you wonder, who is this person?
Obviously if it’s possible to get an attorney in on this, do, especially if you can find one who knows what a disordered personality is. If an attorney’s services would be within the realm of possibility, Google restraining order defense + your hometown.
You’ll have to decide whether you want to admit to violating the first restraining order or not. Technically, it makes you guilty of contempt of court and subject to sanctions—which can include jail. A lawyer could tell you whether you’d be putting yourself at risk, but you’re accuser could tell the judge herself, so they’re may be no concealing it. It could be judges don’t act on this information if the violations were never reported to the police. I honestly couldn’t say. If you could at least consult with an attorney, it would be a good idea. You might learn a lot just from a phone call.
See also “The Restraining Order Plaintiff from Hell: Malicious Prosecution and the ‘High-Conflict Person’” for descriptions of how personality-disordered people think and act.
Look out for yourself, Brian. I hope you can wash this out of your hair.
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Okay so I have a ex parte that is against me to stay away and have no contact with my ex. As the ex parte stands she has contacted me and I have contacted her and she has had pently of chances to turn me in we just had simple convos to figure out what was going on in are love life and this ex parte she has told me that her parents are blackmailing and kicked her out to fill out the rest of this ex parte they are holding her car that my ex pays for, its in her name they’re making her do something against her will because she doesn’t want to get the ex parte against me,she’s 20 years old too she has told me this herself and I have saved all messages too. I just want to know should I show the judge the text I got from about her parents blackmailing her?
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This all gets tricky, Trent, because under the terms of the injunction against you, you’re prohibited from contact with the plaintiff. To introduce that text to the judge would be to admit that you’ve violated the court’s order, which isn’t wise. You could be charged with contempt of court or something similar.
Is there any reason your girlfriend couldn’t file a motion with the court to have the order dismissed and not tell her parents she did it? I can appreciate that maybe she doesn’t want to deceive her parents, but how is that worse than deceiving the court? If your girlfriend’s an adult and it’s her property, her parents can’t “hold her car.”
It seems like it’s really your girlfriend’s job to say she was coerced or offer some other explanation to the court and get the order dismissed if it’s a fraud. Also, if you’ve already had an opportunity to appeal, you’d probably have to move for a new trial to introduce “new evidence” (the blackmail text). None of this is easy. The procedure for your girlfriend to move the court to vacate the order is straightforward.
If a lawyer’s counsel is something you could afford, it’s possible an attorney might be able to propose an alternative course, but I think s/he’d probably say that if the petitioner doesn’t really want the order, she should have it vacated.
Incidentally, if a hearing has been scheduled but hasn’t occurred yet, and your girlfriend didn’t show up for it, the order would probably be dismissed.
I appreciate you’re trying to look out for your girlfriend, but I don’t see how she can satisfy her parents’ expectations and be fair to you.
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I am a victim of restraining order abuse I live in ca and it was filed in Mississippi it’s an order to keep me from my kids in which she has been diagnosed bipolar and allowed my children to drive out here and stay with me once I herd about the abuse I filed an emergency custody order and it was denied because she had called in and said she already filed in which she didn’t then I received a restraining order I have no money to retain an attorney and cps is involved and ca gave Mississippi jurisdiction today
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Is CPS involved because you reported abuse or because she did? She’s claiming you abused the kids when they came to visit?
Are there any grounds for moving the Mississippi court to allow you to testify from California (teleconferencing)?
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I am a victim of restraining order abuse I live in ca and it was filed in Mississippi it’s an order to keep me from my kids in which she has been diagnosed bipolar and allowed my children to drive out here and stay with me once I herd about the abuse I filed an emergency custody order and it was denied because she had called in and said she already filed in which she didn’t then I received a restraining order I have no money to retain an attorney and cps is involved and ca gave Mississippi jurisdiction today Cps is involved and I am in the army and was gone for a year and came back to my home being foreclosed on and me homeless I thought she had herself together but then I started to find out my children once I had them the next day in my care they had told me there’s videos of them being hit with a horse whip and it just goes on but Mississippi has jurisdiction because the children hasn’t been with me for 6 months
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And no I didn’t abuse my children her and her boyfriend has been and threatening the children if they told anyone
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Richard, consider calling and talking to someone in the FBI. If videos have been recorded of your children being hit with a whip, I think that supersedes some civil court BS. That could qualify as child exploitation. If the beatings were just meant as punishments, why would they be recorded? I don’t know what kind of response you could expect, but you might ask the person you talked to who in government is accountable if you’re denied access to your kids and then they’re molested—or worse.
Also, are there any military resources you could take advantage of? Can the VA help? You’re saying military duty has kept you away from the kids? What if you say you’re afraid for your kids, you’re being framed by your ex, and you’re feeling desperate and don’t know where to turn?
Regarding the civil court case, from what I know about how things work in Mississippi, the court does have to assign a hearing date, and the window is tight: a week to 10 days, like that. Any chance you have records of the mom’s mental diagnosis? Maybe you could reconstruct a history.
You could move the court in Mississippi to grant you a continuance (more time). Call and tell the court you’re in California, and ask how you can file a Motion for Continuance. You might be able to file other pretrial motions, also. If there’s a reason you can’t travel, maybe you could testify from California. Could the Army provide you something that says you can’t travel?
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There’s not even a court date for the restraining order
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