What Is Restraining Order Abuse?

Restraining order abuse is a form of abuse of process or malicious prosecution in which a plaintiff applies for a restraining order for a purpose other than that for which it was intended. Typically this purpose is a vengeful, exploitative, or otherwise vicious one—though restraining orders are also misused by the delusional, who may falsely believe their need to be valid and have no ulterior motive.

Restraining order applicants aren’t screened, whether based on their being under psychiatric care or having a history of mental illness, on their possessing criminal records, or on their having previously sought one or multiple restraining orders in the past. Some restraining order abusers are repeat offenders who know how to game the system for malicious ends.

Restraining order abuse is open to all comers. The courts don’t discriminate, and it doesn’t take a criminal mastermind. It doesn’t in fact even take a good liar, just a willing one.

Though lying to obtain a restraining order is a felony offense (perjury), this crime is never prosecuted, so all a malicious plaintiff risks is disappointment if his or her application is denied or his or her injunction is quashed on appeal—and there’s nothing to stop him or her from reapplying. Getting fraudulent restraining orders against the same defendant in multiple jurisdictions isn’t unheard of, nor is getting fraudulent restraining orders against multiple defendants.

Accountability in this process is nil.

Obtaining a restraining order can require less than an hour’s time and is usually free for the asking. Any adult who walks into a courthouse is entitled to apply. Actual time before a judge may be mere minutes, and restraining orders are issued ex parte, which means a judge’s basis for approving one is the plaintiff’s word alone, along with any evidence s/he may present during the brief interview, which evidence may of course be forged, skewed, or misrepresented. And injunctions may be approved in the absence of any corroborating “evidence” at all.

The entitlement to due process is categorically denied to restraining order defendants. Per Black’s Law Dictionary (6th ed.), “Due process of law in each particular case means such an exercise of the powers of the government as the settled maxims of law permit and sanction, and under such safeguards for the protection of individual rights as those maxims prescribe for the class of cases to which the one in question belongs.” In regard to restraining order defendants, the prescribed “safeguards for the protection of individual rights” are none.

The reason for this is a relic of the past.

Restraining orders were conceived decades ago in response to public outcry as a measure to arrest domestic violence, which was largely ignored or discounted at the time. Accordingly, the customary standard for substantiating a complaint to the court that bears criminal implications and consequences (namely, proof beyond a reasonable doubt) is suspended in restraining order cases, and plaintiffs are given broad latitude to ensure that those in legitimate need of protection will get it. This also explains restraining orders’ being free or inexpensive to procure.

This in turn explains the popularity of restraining orders as instruments of avarice, malice, or vendetta. A false allegation of domestic violence, for example, may require no material substantiation and risks a vicious plaintiff nothing yet may cost an innocent defendant everything, including home, property, and access to children and pets—and even, conceivably, freedom and income. Loss of health, reputation, and enjoyment of life goes without saying.

Motives for restraining order abuse run the gamut. Restraining orders are commonly abused by plaintiffs to gain the upper hand in child custody battles (spouses may portray their husbands or wives as monsters, and even coerce and coach their children to do the same). They’re abused preemptively by stalkers to disarm and dominate the targets of their obsessions. They’re abused by lovers to get clear of unwanted boy- or girlfriends or to spitefully injure boy- or girlfriends who rejected them (or even to injure former boy- or girlfriends’ new girl- or boyfriends).  They’re abused to gain sole ownership of pets and property. They’re abused to end extramarital relationships (while casting the accuser—who’s usually the cheater—in a positive light). They’re abused to blackmail: “Give me what I want, and I’ll drop the restraining order.” They’re abused to intimidate, harass, and maim.

Restraining orders are abused, in short, for the petty gratification of anyone who’s low enough to exploit the process.

Copyright © 2012 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com

297 Responses “What Is Restraining Order Abuse?” →
  1. I was served a temporary protection order and notice of hearing-harassment. This was all about the neighbors dog who I had permission from the owner that I could come over and see him anytime. We have lived her for over 7 years and I really didn’t pay much attention to the situation except that he was kept outside 24/7 no matter what the weather was. Last fall he started howling and crying and I see he is wrapped around a post and went over and unwrapped him, this happened many times. I told my neighbor about it, he did nothing to fix the problem with the mangled fencing he was getting tangled in. I finally went over and fixed it. Now and then the dog would get loose and come over (we live in a rural area). We would take him back. Long story short, this is when I asked my neighbor about visiting him and he had no problem with it. It started getting very hot here in the triple digits and has been for a couple of weeks with no end in sight. This is such a long story but happened in 3-4 days. I went on a animal shelter site (local) and told them I was worried about him in this heat. The response was amazing! Everyone wanted to help from calling the Sheriff to check on him to raisin $700 to see if he would sell him. This is all on a thread in the post. All the women were worked up and talked about taking him after every avenue was closed, none meant it, it was just frustration that nothing could be done. Neighbor was mad, husband went and talked with him, he told him lots but I was not to come over again. That was fine, I did what I could and that was the end. I had asked everyone to leave it alone I did not want to be blamed for anything if something happened to the dog. Then on a different post this women gets on the thread and it’s John’s son’s girlfriend ranting and raving about me being sneaky, spying, trespassing and so many other things. Then I was served. She wrote the statement as if it was him writing it and him sign it. She made so many false accusations and made a mistake by documenting the thread, thinking it was proof that all allocations were true. What will happen? I’m writing my statement and I informed the ladies about it. She even feared for her families life and they could be hurt, maybe robbed. Where she came up with that I don’t know. What do you think, does she have a case? She is making false accusations about me.

    • Know first, Sue, that the truth doesn’t matter. So even if you could prove the accusations are false, it wouldn’t necessarily make a difference. It’s all about how things look. That’s what you want to focus on.

      (That doesn’t mean you can’t say, “That’s a complete lie.” It just means even if lies are totally transparent, the matter won’t be dismissed on those grounds alone. Probably everyone lies in these cases.)

      If you had called the animal authorities, and there were reports you could cite, that would be different. I don’t blame you for not calling, of course. I’ve never seen it make a situation better. People who say call the sheriff, etc., just want to “get someone in trouble.” It doesn’t fix anything. Also it makes an enemy fast.

      So are you saying your conversation online got back to the neighbor? How?

      Basically the petitioners of these orders get a nasty impulse and act on it, and they have to make it sound good. So they throw in some terror and violence, “imminent danger,” stalking, etc. Nice, huh? Totally free procedure—in and out in minutes—and it goes on your record.

      Without knowing more, you might gather any documentation you may have—pictures, witness statements, that kind of thing. Put together a timeline. You could investigate your local statutes to find out what laws your neighbors violated. Your motivation was concern for the welfare of a neglected dog.

      Where are you writing from?

      Don’t you go near the neighbor, but if you need to take pictures of the dog’s situation, someone else could do this for you from the street. Brazenly. Don’t hesitate to call the sheriff, incidentally, and find out what you can. Also, Sue, don’t be nice, e.g., “Hi, a neighbor of mine who neglects and abuses his dog is taking me to court for caring. This poor animal is left outdoors 24/7 and gets tangled in wire and howls. I need to photograph the conditions the dog lives in. That’s legal to do from the street, right?”

    • Sue, in case you don’t respond, here it is simply: What a judge will be deciding is whether the actions of yours complained of properly constitute harassment. That’s it. So you would want to persuade the judge that the characterization is wrong. Lying and false accusations definitely speak to the character of your lousy neighbors and their family, but for the judge to dismiss the matter, s/he would need to be convinced that the entire representation of it by your neighbors is BS.

  2. I was never charged with anything. And she is just coming up with what ever she can to prepare for the hearing next month. And the temp restraint order is for the kids only

    • That’s how this works. Someone acts, often on impulse. Then s/he thinks, I better make this sound good (never mind that that always means misrepresenting the case and the defendant). Then s/he realizes it doesn’t matter what s/he says. S/he can make anything up s/he wants. Then s/he does.

  3. Update on my wife and what she is doing now. First her brother harrased me in face book. With his one sided story’s. Then she rights me telling me she has lots of people that will say I abide my kids. Which is not true, because we don’t have friends. We live a vary privite life. There is no way
    Unless there working together to come up with a perfect lie. I feel like a ray in a cage! And someone forgot to leave me some cheese.
    I have downloaded 7 different forms. From dismissal of tempary restraining order. And endangerment of miner children’s. I am still looking for a form regarding unlawful use of a restraining order And perjury. I am sick and tired of being a nice man. Letting people take advantage of my weakness, a kind heart. We as victims need to take this to the supream court. Who’s with me?

  4. I had 3 court protective orders all filed together by 3 different people…Why were they not separated? How is that legal?

    I admitted the assault on my spouse, from the day I was arrested, and every time I was questioned, telling my version of events orally and/or written. I never denied it! It wasn’t until my first court hearing that I was made aware that I was being charged for 2 others that were completely fabricated. ALL 3 people were on my paperwork, with the same charges, when I was spoken to by the court appointed public defender explaining the charges and asking if I would accept a plea bargain to get out of jail, or if I wanted to fight against it all and go to trial, risking everything. I don’t know how 2 others were able to accuse me of things that did not happen. There was written testimony according to the pub def that was from the alleged victims! These two others lied! I don’t understand how that is legal. I knew I was guilty of my spouse, but one person I never touched or even spoke a word to is in my paperwork filing the same charges against me as my spouse!

    The assault happened in the morning at my home with myself and my spouse present ONLY! later that evening my spouse showed up at the house with 2 female co-workers and one of the co-workers boyfriend. I never assaulted my spouse that evening when they came with the friends to my house I let my spouse in the house because they forgot the house key. I closed the door leaving all 3 friends outside.I followed my spouse into our bedroom wanting an explanation about the 3 people. We had heated words exchanged between both of us, I then was angry and threw the remote control on the floor breaking it. The next thing I knew was I was tackled from behind by the male that came into my home apparently with the other two females uninvited. I had no idea these people let themselves in my home, and that this man was even in my bedroom. He flung his body so hard at me and we went through two closet doors with my body, and I landed on my back in the closet. The guy proceeded to hit me 6-8 times in a row, while I saw my spouse run out of the room, and this female coworker was jumping on my bed above me holding a piece of the closet that broke, like a baseball bat ready to swing at me, yelling “Hit her! Hit her!” I was now the victim of an assault! That was the extent of my involvement with the one female coworker. I am a pretty fit and tall woman, much bigger than the man that was assaulting me. I was in shock for a moment, until I retaliated in self defense and while still on my back, I swung wildly. I grazed him once and connected the second time in his face. I knew he was hurt, and dizzy. The girlfriend of this man that was on my bed, was in disbelief, and now very frightened, and I I told her they both better run as I was getting to my feet. The girl ran out and the guy following. I took my time getting to my feet before leaving the room. When I got by the front door the third girl that came with them was standing there scared to death, I told here I wasn’t going to hurt her and to leave, which she did.I then called the police and they said they were already in route.

    I was the only one arrested because what I learned now is that the guy and girl in my room said they were trying to contain the situation, restrain me, and I attacked them. When the police were assessing the scene, they took pictures of my spouses earlier morning injuries, my scrapes, and redness everywhere, and this guys face that was now very swollen, so I understood that because my redness had yet to turn into the bruises that the police had to take someone and that was me. I wanted the guy arrested for assault but it never happened. While incarcerated for my domestic violence towards my spouse I received a restraining order, FROM MY SPOUSE ONLY, which was later dropped by my spouse in a court hearing. It was my surprise when I had a court hearing for the charges, that I was being charged for 3 people, all with the same charges, all combined on one paper together. I was willing to accept the plea for my spouse but not the other two. I was told if I take a plea or go to trial it will be for all 3 combined as the charges stated, they were to be judged all together! I passed on two court hearings to plea out, because I didn’t agree nor willing to admit I did wrong with those people. I never touched the girl, and the guy I defended myself after I was assaulted. The third hearing I was told it was the last time I could take a plea before trial, and if i lost the trial I would be facing years of jail time if convicted of all 3 assault and battery charges. I was already in jail for almost 2 months, and I hadn’t much confidence at this point with court appointed public defenders and the judicial system in it’s entirety. I was scared to have a jury listen to the lies of 3 people, and the fate I would face if I lost. I agreed to plea not guilty, and they call it NO CONTEST.On this day all the bruises from weeks prior were very apparent, and then they told me my spouse was there and during a court recession break verified at least 80% of my initial story. They took all the charges brought against me by the guy and the girl and dropped them!. They didn’t explain but I didn’t ask either. I was just happy and assumed I hadn’t anything to worry from the other two anymore. When the judge said that the court decided that even though the charges against me from those two people were dropped, a NO CONTACT court protection order was made for ALL 3 people against me!

    How is that possible, to have allowed these people to falsely accuse me of a crime, that one of them actually committed against me, that if I am accused of violating in 3 years time with probation, that I face 1 year in prison. The same people that lied throughout, but now I have to fear that they wont lie anytime in the next 3 years. Under what grounds? Why did have no other choice? Why would the judge decide such a thing? I wasn’t given a chance to contest those protective orders. I have my version of events and can prove with my spouse, and the second female co-worker that was there that I was attacked that evening, by the guy, did nothing to his girlfriend, and not at any time did anyone see me assault my wife, so I didn’t need to be restrained…because I was jumped in my home by a man that let himself in, attacked me, and never was charged for his crime. I don’t think is is fair or justified that I am made to look guilty, and he and the girl are protected from me for 3 years. I don’t even know if I would be able to recognize those two people, if I saw them again. I’m scared to leave my home! I want justice for the crimes of falsifying a police report, perjury, abusing the restraining order, and the mental anguish caused by these two for what they have put me through. My wife and the other girl have been and told the public defender that I was attacked for no reason and assaulted. Why is nothing being done? What can I do? I first heard of possibly being able to fight these charges, but didn’t hear exactly how, when I was in court today. My spouse wanted to lift and modify my court protective order, I agreed, then the judge decided to terminate the order from my spouse. My modification was accepted. So after the paperwork was done, they realized that all 3 people were combined, as I pointed out months prior, and I had to wait hours for the legal documents to be separated. They put my spouse on one that was no modified to NO NEGATIVE contact order, and a second document that still had the two people combined now stating that those court protective orders that are NO CONTACT are still in effect. I need help…Please! Any suggestion would be appreciated… Thank you

    • Alinka, I’ll try to respond soon. What state are you in, and were all of the protection orders petitioned in civil court, or might some of them have stemmed from your prosecution for assault? These orders can be civil or criminal.

      What was the excuse for these strangers’ being in your bedroom, anyhow? They were there as “bodyguards”? Part of an “intervention”?

    • I hate to even ask what the original “violence” was. Now what, do you divorce?

      I’m not a lawyer, but my guess is that the restraining orders—with the possible exception of your wife’s—were mandatory orders issued by the court. A judge is authorized to issue restraining orders upon request by the “victim(s)” of the crime, by the DA, or on his or her own initiative (sua sponte, it’s called).

      (A civil restraining order is applied for in civil court and can be dropped by the petitioner; a criminal/mandatory order is issued by a criminal judge and can’t be “dropped” except perhaps by the district prosecutor, whom you could talk to.)

      You don’t have any documentation of your own injuries since you were in jail when they became clear?

      I don’t strictly know, but I suspect your access to the appeals process is barred because you pled “no contest” and because the no-contact orders (probably) stemmed from the criminal prosecution.

      When this dies down and you’re reasonably back on your feet, you could inquire with an attorney about a possible civil court recourse (lawsuit). Your wife and the other girl tell a different story (and have told it) to the story told by your attacker and his cheerleader. That might count for something.

      There might even be a way to charge the man. I’m just not sure. If you don’t have any documentation, I guess it would be witness testimony only.

      Basically, ADAs don’t care about lying. They take cases they can win, and they got their win (plea deal). That’s their interest in the thing satisfied. Their interest isn’t in justice, fairness, truth, or honor.

      The blogger who maintains BuncyBlawg.com, Larry, is a former trial attorney. He might better be able to unknot some of this for you and tell you what your options may be at this point. He’s a good man, and his disgust with this area of law couldn’t be keener.

  5. No I just recently whent to court. And the judge did not even asked my side of the story. She just continued the order till the 21st of July. And my wife wants full custody so she can move to vages.
    All my preparations for the divorce ment nothing because I did not expect this. I am still hopeful that I’ll still be able to clear out her lies.

    • The fraud that what defendants say is heeded or that the effort makes any difference at all is what’s most outrageous. These procedures are theater.

      You file your appeal and go to the next guy thinking, well, they can’t all be this way. That one does exactly the same thing.

  6. Not cool friend.


  7. Anthony V

    June 15, 2015

    I am aware. And I will will be taking to a lawyer tomorrow about my divorce and then about the restraining order.


  8. Anthony V

    June 15, 2015

    No I have not been to the court hearing yet. Its Monday the 21st. And I only wished that I can afford a lawyer, but I just don’t make that kind of money to even pay for the retainer fee, I also don’t have anyone to cosign. And on top of that I’ll end up having to apply for a public defender of sorts. And every time I get one, I end up doing the research for them. She and her false friend have made me look like I am the worst guy In town. I have already applied for a divorce lawyer 1 day before she did this whole restraining order gag. I talk to the lawyer tomorrow. Because I fell under a serton income. I was approved for representation for the divorce. I hope they can represent me for the restraining order as well. my wife is constantly texting me. I don’t know what games she’s playing. She only got the restraining order for the kids. And that’s not even the worst part, I ended having to move all the way across town. And whith my new work hours i can’t get to work. So I had to text her to and ask for a ride just so I wouldn’t lose my job. And I believe department of child welfare will be involved. And hear in pueblo colorado they are pro women. That the women never lies. No matter what I do I still might lose all my rights to my angels.

    • The order doesn’t prohibit you from talking with your wife?

      Hang on to every text you get, Anthony. There’s got to be some way to print them out, too.

      If the court’s order covers your wife, know that any contact (any) is a violation of the order and could be grounds for your arrest.

      What the plaintiff on an order does doesn’t matter. A plaintiff can call and say, “I need to see you now!” Then she could have the police waiting for you when you got there.


  9. Anthony V

    June 14, 2015

    Hello to all.
    My name is Anthony and I am in such a bind. My children and I are being punished by the same injustice of the colorado system. It all started a couple weeks back, my wife and I agreed that our marriage has dissolved and our paths in life are to different to stay married. So we whent to the library printed out what we needed to start the dissolution of marriage, filled it out together. We agreed on everything. During this time she was vary mean and hateful. Once the paperwork was finished it seemed like a gient weight was lifted of both of us. During the time we waited for the money to file the papers, a few normal things happened and she turned the story’s around and got a tempary restraining order put in place. I was kicked from my house and not allowed to see my kids, which by the way loves me so vary much. I also work within the 400 yards of the property witch I am afraid to go because of the falsely abtaned restraining order. I have to go to work or I’ll be fired. I can lose everything I am building for when I get partial custody of my kids, if I do! I know the story’s she said in great detail, I was there! And that’s not even close how it happens. She had a friend that never comes by lie to the dss system and her oldest son say things that never happens. I was everything a man should be. Why do I have to be treated like a criminal. When there wasent even a proper investigation done by the police or dss.
    And I am sure there not even going to try. If anyone knows and can help me find the right paths to go I’d be most grateful. Even if your not legal council. What you might say might turn the tides on a disturbed system that exepts false alagations to abtane a restraining order

    • Did you have a hearing or do you have a hearing date, Anthony? What were the allegations? Could you afford an attorney? The timing is certainly suspicious. It makes you wonder if your (ex-?)wife didn’t run across something at the library that made this course sound like a good plan. If there are cops involved, call them and tell them your work is 400 yards away (which should be outside of a limit if a limit was even prescribed). If you have a hearing approaching, bring this up in court—or see if you could talk to the judge and modify the order if it’s permanent. If you could get a lawyer on board, you might be able to subpoena or otherwise question the witnesses, whether in a hearing or in an appeal.

      Here’s a good tutorial by attorney Gregory Hession (different state but same principles):

      How to Fight a False Restraining Order: A Practical Guide to Fighting in Court


    • Anonymous

      June 23, 2015

      Hire a hit man. I work cheap.

  10. In a divorce now. Can my sone to be ex wife, purposely come within the buffer zone. Knowing that i am there just to make me leave. Or is this some kind of violation of the order on her part

    • You could ask the cops to call her and have a word if this gets out of hand, Jim, but unless the court’s injunction is called “mutual,” you’re the only one whose actions are restricted. (Some people are chronically stalked, harassed, etc. by their “victims.”) In a “collision,” you’re the person who’s not where he’s supposed to be, and you’re the only one who can “violate” the order (be found in contempt).

      (This is a generic answer. There’s always a remote possibility there’s a law on your state’s books that prohibits what you’re talking about. You might consult the statute.)

  11. I am being framed and forced out of my grandmothers house( she co-owns is with the guy because she was going to loose the house) so the half owner is trying to force me into a fight I have been ignoring him and his family and tending to my grandma/my own animals and my own business. Prior accusations were made about me supposedly trying to kill my grandma slowly with her medications (what would that get me? nothing but loosing the most important person in my life). I had thought of this man and looked up to him as a father figure since I met him at 12 years old until I turned (18) legal age when he made passes and forced himself on me knowing I was afraid to tell anyone. I was forced into sexual behavior when no one was around and he prayed on my weak innocent vulnerability. Nothing I did made him stop and I was too afraid to say anything for fears I’d be punished by my abusive mother, so I gave up and gave in. He would force me down and would take pictures with my phone and send it to him making it look like I was suggesting sex. He would force me into the stall of my horse, the tack room, the kitchen when his wife was away, and even corner me in the bedroom. I would wake up to him pulling my pants down and forcing himself in me. When I finally had enough courage to tell anyone (his wife, My grandma) he said that it was a lie and I would ask him for sex using the pictures he took as proof. So no one believed me. I was then forced to sign a statement saying that I lied and it was all false. It said what he wanted it to say to remove the restraining order just to be able to stay and take care of my grandma who is not blood but I’ve been considered her granddaughter since I was 6 years old I’m now almost 25 years old. I am her sol caretaker, I drive and make appointments, I do her shopping, I do her banking, I make sure shes fed and clothed and showered (when no-one is home usually) because she has severe COPD she has a hard time moving around because she cant breath so I help her shower and walk and give her exercise ideas so she stays strong. She does everything on her own terms and her own will. I simply provide love and support and care. She is coherent and can still sign and make choices on her own. But I am being falsely accused of trying to kill her and Ive been finding Needles in her room I am not a smoker, not a drug user, not a crazy person. The man who co-owns the house gets the whole thing in the will if she dies. He has ruined a job I had working a troubled horse because he is telling people I am a crazy person and I use drugs. The horse people kicked me out and now I am banned. My grandmother recently broke her hip and now is in a recovery home and the co-owner thinks she will be there permanently now so he is talking to his lawyer about restarting that previous restraining order to get me out of the house. How do I fight these accusations when there is deeper past with this man. He has ruined my life and my fiance is rethinking loving me because this guy constantly causes problems its an everyday thing.

    • I’m not an attorney, so I can’t give you any sound legal advice other than that you need an attorney.

      I’m wondering if you have any way of substantiating the sexual abuse. I don’t know whether a personal injury attorney would handle a case like this, but I do know they often work “on contingency,” which means they don’t expect money from you. This could be a tough sell unless there are significant assets that you might win in a lawsuit. I would, though, encourage you to talk to every attorney in town, including every personal injury attorney.

      The Catholic Church was sued long past the statutes of limitation for sexual abuse by men who had been molested as children. The basis of the suits was “failure to thrive.” The men had simply been “broken” by the abuse. This was a basis for recovery for damages even decades after incidents had transpired.

      What your case shows is that if someone can say, “I had to get a restraining order against [him or her],” then it doesn’t really matter what that person has done. You can cry rape, and the other person can say, very persuasively, “She’s crazy.” It’s like magic.

      You really need an attorney who can advise you how to proceed since you haven’t previously brought charges against this man for sexual assault.

      Certainly if you have the opportunity to defend yourself in court, you shouldn’t balk at laying this out for a judge. The problem is credibility. It’s horrible to say to someone in your situation, but there are people (loads of them) who exploit legal process by making false claims of a violent and/or sexual nature.

      And since the man went to the court first, you’re going to be doubted.

      What puzzles me is if you spelled out the abuse to your “grandmother,” what in the world kind of relationship do the three of you have now? If the woman is lucid, she may be able to help or defend you.

      One other thing: Lies to the courts aren’t actionable; people tell horrible lies, offhandedly, lies that destroy people’s lives, and they face no consequences. However, lying about you publicly to other people and lying to get you fired from a job—lying to humiliate and ostracize you—that is actionable. It’s slander/defamation (a civil tort—something you can sue for).

      Again, a personal injury lawyer might consider a case like this—I’m not sure. Unless you have thousands at your disposal, you’ll have to find a trial lawyer who’s sympathetic to your case. Call around. Email. Be really persistent. It sounds like this guy thinks of you as a rival for the woman’s (your “grandmother’s”) affections, possibly worries about your having a claim on her estate, and wants you out of the picture.

      Abuse of a slack and superficial civil court procedure (i.e., the restraining order process) can be very crushing, especially when the abuse is by someone with something to hide and no qualms of conscience. There’s no overestimating this. People are harried to the point that they flee to other states, and they may be crippled with depression, agoraphobia, and PTSD.

      Fight back aggressively by trying to procure the help of an attorney. If you look on this site for a commenter using the alias “Joel Bond Gunch” (see the second to the most recent post on the blog) and leave a comment for him, he might have some other suggestions. He’s a former attorney and a good man.


  12. Christian

    May 18, 2015

    my wife obtained a P.O. / R.O. in an attempt to gain an advantage in our now divorce. This fall we were fighting about finances and her constantly being gone away from the home. I later learned this was probably because of the affairs she was having.

    In November she told me she wanted a divorce. By December she was telling the only way to save our marriage was for me to move out of the home for a seperation while we worked on our marriage. I moved into my mother’s home in hopes of saving our marriage. All I really did was facilitate her affair. On a monday in January I was home for a weekend visit. When I came home from work I found a used condom in our trash. We hadn’t been intimate in months. We had a confrontation and I again agreed to leave the home. I was hoping ti was a phase and that she would end her affair soon. A week later she asked me to watch the kids while she took a vacation. A week later I found out that she booked another man with her on her trip. I came home and told her I would no longer leave the house while she was having these “affairs”. I asked her to please reconsider and not throw away our marriage over another man. She told me there had been 8. She said it loud enough for the children to hear. I asked if the children did hear that and she punched me in the shoulder. I called the police and then begged them not to arrest her. they just asked her to leave. She returned a few hours later and begged me to leave. I left the home, once again, and stayed at a hotel that week. At the end of that week I was served with a P.O.

    Being homless, I had to stay with relatives that lived out of state. During that time I ran a credit check and saw that my wife had not made a mortgage payment in months. I immediatley stopped my work checks from being direct deposited. When I returned home I hired an attorney.

    At court, and because she had now filed for divorce, the court dismissed the P.O. but applied a R.O. in it’s place while the divorce proceeding took place. She now has complete control of our home, the children, the pets and anything else in that home. Now she can have her affairs completely in private.

    This has destroyed who I am, my reputation and my credit! She continued to not pay on the mortgage and the house is now in forclosure. I am trying to work with my mortgage lender but it is difficult not having access to any of my files and having to continue to pay for my home as well as rent for an apartment while I fight this battle.

    All of this because she knew I was onto her affair. I lose my house, time with my kids and my reputation because she can’t keep her legs closed!

    • I was just reading a review of a book called Angry White Men. The review was by a woman, Hanna Rosin, who’s the author of a book called, The End of Men. The review references the show Mad Men a couple of times (detect a theme?). This scenario could be right out of the 60s, only with the genders reversed, and it’s the unacknowledged harvest of our “social progress.”

      Do you have a divorce lawyer working for you, Christian?

  13. I am the victim of this. It was used to ruin my life and eventually arrest me for crimes I did not commit. I admit, I was an asshole but only after she had drugged at one point near the edn of our relationship just to do it again to break in my house.

  14. Hello all & Todd

    This information was listed on our website, We will be rehousing it for those in need. I know that there are many people out on the blog that may just read the posts and not comment. I just wanted to share these with you all who may be going thru one or all of the below.

    Being Falsely Accused of Child Abuse?
    If you are accused of child abuse, whether sexual or violent in nature, or abuse that is supposed to have occurred in front of your children, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a ‘visit’ from Social Services, which may seem casual and friendly but is actually recorded on a computer and remains on a social services file indefinitely. If Social Services decide not to do anything about it, there will be ‘no action taken’. It is well worth checking what is on the file in these circumstances to make sure that what has been recorded is accurate. You are unlikely to get an apology or thanks for your cooperation.

    Further Action
    If Social Services decide that they need to take further action, they can hold a ‘core assessment’ meeting where they can direct you to do certain things as a parent. Your child could be put on the ‘at risk’ register. If this happens, it could be that your authority over your child’s welfare may be shared with Social Services, or your child could be taken into care, or adopted into another family.

    Your Child’s File
    Whatever information is on file about your child, it can be seen by medical professionals, health visitors, teachers and school staff, housing authorities, police, public and some voluntary workers who have contact with children, and youth workers. That is why it is important to ensure that whatever is recorded is correct.

    The Meeting With Social Services
    Although this is often sold to people as ‘a little chat’, you should NOT treat it as such. Make sure you bring someone with you who you know and trust as a witness, and make sure you tape record the meeting. Ask everyone there whether they have any objection to you recording the meeting – they should not. Use a ‘conference microphone’ so that you get a clear definition of what everyone says. If you know what the meeting is going to be about, bring any documentation that you think will help. No matter how nice they are to you, remember they are there to do a job – which is to see whether you are an unfit parent or not. They are not paid to be kind to you.

    The Good News
    As public bodies are terrified of being lambasted in the media, they can have a tendency to over-react to any kind of concern expressed over a child’s welfare. There does not have to be strong evidence in order to trigger a referral to Social Services. Sometimes it is simply an opinion, a suspicion, or an impression that a public employee has, although there are rules and concerns must be ‘evidence based.’ Although this might seem shocking, a considerable number of referrals to Social Services are not investigated at all because they are deemed to be without merit. Although figures vary between local authorities, those that are not investigated at all amount to around 55% of all referrals. If there is genuinely nothing wrong, and the referral has been made mistakenly, or maliciously, just make sure you take the precautions described above. Act professionally, tell the truth and make sure that you do not say anything even in jest that could be misinterpreted.

    Being Falsely Accused of Domestic Abuse?
    Every year, many people in the UK are falsely accused of domestic violence. The reasons for this are wide-ranging. Some partners or ex-partners make up allegations of domestic violence to get out of a relationship that they are otherwise unhappy with, others do it to spite their partners, while some still want to ensure that they stop (usually) the father from seeing the children. In other circumstances, a stranger, someone you know, or perhaps your child’s teacher could become concerned about an injury to your child or something your child says – and refers Social Services to you. The tragic fact is that this does happen to people who are totally innocent of any crime. Sadly, although in this country you are ‘innocent until proven guilty’, the truth is that sometimes people can get charged and found guilty for domestic violence on very little evidence.

    What Can Happen
    You can be arrested while in your own home, in front of your partner and children, and in full view of the neighbors. Then you can be taken to the police station, your DNA taken and held on file, and interviewed while under caution. You could find yourself in court, charged with an offence for which you have done nothing wrong. Worst of all, you could end up with a criminal conviction and sent to prison. The problem is, when emotions are running high after a break up or divorce, one call to the police can have far-reaching consequences. If word gets around your local community, you could suffer verbal abuse, harassment or worse for being a ‘monster’.

    Your Rights
    If this happens to you, you need to be aware of your rights. You are entitled to legal advice at the police station. If you waive your right, you may end up saying something that could be misconstrued, especially if you are tired or are lulled into a false sense of security by the interviewing officers. There have been many cases that have been successfully brought by the Crown Prosecution Service purely on the basis of an admission in interview at the police station.

    If you do speak to a lawyer, tell them the truth because if you are coy, or uncooperative, they are not going to be able to advise you properly. The police may bail you to return to the police station on another date. If they do this, you MUST ensure you go back on the day and at the time specified, or you will be charged with an offence of ‘failure to surrender’ and a warrant may be issued for your arrest. If you are innocent of any crime, be persistent, stick to the truth and try your best not to get angry at any stage. If you find yourself in court, it is vital that you come across as genuine and sincere about your innocence.

    Implications For Your Accuser
    If your partner or ex-partner accuses you of domestic violence, when you have in fact done nothing wrong, by the time the police are involved your ex has already committed a criminal offence for which they could receive a prison sentence of up to six months. If they then go on to falsify evidence to the authorities – the police, social services etc – they are then perverting the course of justice. If the case actually gets to court, and you find yourself in the dock on trial for something you haven’t done, your accuser would in most circumstances have to give evidence in court. If they are still lying at this stage, they are committing perjury. These are all serious criminal offences for which your ex-partner could serve a long prison sentence.

    Being Falsely Accused of Rape?
    Your Rights
    If this happens to you, you need to be aware of your rights. You are entitled to legal advice at the police station. If you waive your right, you may end up saying something that could be misconstrued, especially if you are tired or are lulled into a false sense of security by the interviewing officers. There have been many cases that have been successfully brought by the Crown Prosecution Service purely on the basis of an admission in interview at the police station.
    If you do speak to a lawyer, tell them the truth because if you are coy, or uncooperative, they are not going to be able to advise you properly. The police may bail you to return to the police station on another date. If they do this, you MUST ensure you go back on the day and at the time specified, or you will be charged with an offence of ‘failure to surrender’ and a warrant may be issued for your arrest. If you are innocent of any crime, be persistent, stick to the truth and try your best not to get angry at any stage. If you find yourself in court, it is vital that you come across as genuine and sincere about your innocence.

    Implications For Your Accuser
    If your partner or ex-partner accuses you of domestic violence, when you have in fact done nothing wrong, by the time the police are involved your ex has already committed a criminal offence for which they could receive a prison sentence of up to six months. If they then go on to falsify evidence to the authorities – the police, social services etc – they are then perverting the course of justice. If the case actually gets to court, and you find yourself in the dock on trial for something you haven’t done, your accuser would in most circumstances have to give evidence in court. If they are still lying at this stage, they are committing perjury. These are all serious criminal offences for which your ex-partner could serve a long prison sentence.

    Your Rights
    If this happens to you, you need to be aware of your rights. You are entitled to legal advice at the police station. If you waive your right, you may end up saying something that could be misconstrued, especially if you are tired or are lulled into a false sense of security by the interviewing officers. There have been many cases that have been successfully brought by the Crown Prosecution Service purely on the basis of an admission in interview at the police station.
    If you do speak to a lawyer, tell them the truth because if you are coy, or uncooperative, they are not going to be able to advise you properly. The police may bail you to return to the police station on another date. If they do this, you MUST ensure you go back on the day and at the time specified, or you will be charged with an offence of ‘failure to surrender’ and a warrant may be issued for your arrest. If you are innocent of any crime, be persistent, stick to the truth and try your best not to get angry at any stage. If you find yourself in court, it is vital that you come across as genuine and sincere about your innocence.

    What Can You Do?
    If your partner or ex-partner accuses you of domestic violence, when you have in fact done nothing wrong, by the time the police are involved your ex has already committed a criminal offence for which they could receive a prison sentence of up to six months. If they then go on to falsify evidence to the authorities – the police, social services etc – they are then perverting the course of justice. If the case actually gets to court, and you find yourself in the dock on trial for something you haven’t done, your accuser would in most circumstances have to give evidence in court. If they are still lying at this stage, they are committing perjury. These are all serious criminal offences for which your ex-partner could serve a long prison sentence.

    • Were they angry with you, or someone else?
    • Were they going through a particularly stressful time?
    • What reason did they have for wanting you out of the way?
    • Were you absent from their life at the time they made the allegation? If this is the case, could it be that they are blaming you or punishing you – when the reality is that it was because you were emotionally or physically absent from them at the time? If you find the reason for the lie, you can expose the truth


  15. lena bennett

    May 3, 2015

    Are bails with no percentage placed on temporary restraining orders?

    • A temporary restraining order is just a preliminary (ex parte) civil court judgment. It imports a lot, but it doesn’t mean much. A temporary order is issued on five minutes’ consideration. There’s nothing conclusive about it.

  16. My male fiance was given a ticket of misdemeanor 3rd degree sexual assault. The woman who accused him is a manager of a seasonal store where he goes in every spring to buy products. We have know this woman from the store for 4 or more years. She’s a friend on facebook, and he hugged her and listened to all her personal problems. This year, a few days after we bought $250.00 worth of products from her, she called the police and said she has a video of him hugging her. Her protection order said he was gesturing oral sex, and then in the storage room, he was helping her load the products into his car. She said he was propositioning her oral sex for himself and her. Which never happened. The judge denied her request for a protection order. We got an expensive lawyer. The thing is, if he is found guilty of this misdemeanor, his name will be on the sexual register, and he’ll never be able to get a job. The police told our lawyer they have a video. We haven’t viewed the video yet, but if it was so damaging, why didn’t it get brought up at the hearing for the protection order. We don’t exactly feel like celebrating yet, because the arraignment isn’t til June. My question is, since the request for the protection order was dismissed, are our chances of the charge being dismissed or down graded good?

    • I can only answer this reasonably and say maybe. If the evidence didn’t seem strong enough to introduce in civil court, there may not be much there. But who knows why the video wasn’t shown. Maybe the plaintiff was just disorganized. I have no faith in the discernment of judges, but reason says that if the video shows what your husband describes, the criminal charge should get tossed. You had a history with this woman that would suggest a hug was hardly “out of line.” What I wonder is, what is this woman’s motive? Did your fiancé get a jealousy vibe? Did he spurn this woman?

      I’ve been through something similar for many years, but my accuser has the mind of a child and would never be this graphic or scheming in her accusations. I’ve only ever been to civil court with her. Nine years ago she sent me an email saying I was nice to her. Three days later, she accused me of sexual harassment and “danger.” She had come on to me at my home and was afraid of it getting back to her husband. She tweaked her allegations over months in 2006 (in each instance making them a little sharper) and fully seven years later accused me of having “propositioned” her. No details were offered, and of course it never happened. My family and I were only ever kind to her and trusting.


      A criminal charge is worse in its implications and ramifications, but be glad the protection order was rejected. The standard for issuing civil orders is much lower than the standard for convicting someone of a crime. Undoing a protection order is hellish, and trying is usually futile. It will still kill you emotionally, though, because of the implications, and the record is kept forever.

      Think about motive. It could be the woman’s completely screwball, but even screwballs justify things to themselves.

      I really hope you guys get clear of this.

  17. Reply
  18. Oh my…if only words can help everyone’s situation. I am sooooo sorry to hear that.
    “lkinneb”, “happy” & the rest of the board who have been thru such a travesty. That is the worst feeling of hopelessness, anger, confusion and emptiness that no one should have to face (with or without child(ren) – (and I know that doesn’t help that feeling you have right now) It’s so amazing to me that cases are taken so lightly ESPECIALLY when a Judge can read and see thru the lies. (I paid to have my transcript from the court reporter and I recommend everyone that I speak to, to do the same! In some courts they record it. You’ll be surprised what you can fight/have your case dropped with those documents. (You have to start somewhere oppose to just the “he said she said”. Clearly in a court of law it states perjury is a felony, so why can people get away with it? I had my Kayden Jayce Foundation shirt made with perjury, the definition and the US Code on the back of my shirt.

    Stated: (Perjury – per·ju·ry ~ the offense of willfully telling an untruth in a court after having taken an oath or affirmation.
    18 U.S. Code § 1621
    Whoever—is guilty of perjury and shall, except as otherwise expressly provided by law, be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both. This section is applicable whether the statement or subscription is made within or without the United States.) THIS NEEDS TO BE ENFORCED!!!!

    And yes, I agree with you, women do it more than men and there is a small percentage of men that do it as well. (Trust me) At any rate…IT IS WRONG!!!! Doesn’t matter what gender the A$$ is.

    I am working on getting Attorneys from other states to get on board (just as a referral since I need to register with The Bar Association in every state to help fight with you all) in hopes that the attorney can lower their rates for people like yourself. I’ve been there, so much so that I HATE explaining my story right now, (I believe I have PTSD from this) $8000. in attorney fees to protect the truth, my name & my child. Whenever false accusations come upon you…YOU MUST PROTECT yourself and fight back!!! This is your life that can be ruined, job security & where you may take up residence among other things. (In California if you own a gun, you must surrender it because you are considered “dangerous”. (You may hunt or be a police officer) All because someone is mad at you and call themselves getting revenge.

    Please, hang in there for your children and the rest of us who suffered, still suffer & would like to see change and justice for the wrongfully accused. What doesn’t come out in the wash will come out in the rinse. (You have to believe that although you can’t see it right now)

    When a person can do this to another (especially when you thought you knew the other person….you must have everything in writing (text and emails) if she ever so much as texts or calls you, that restraining order is “suppose” to be dropped!!! And hopefully you can work from there to try and get everything situated with your children and a glimmer of hope and piece/peace of mind (both pieces/peaces are fitting when going thru this)

    Please keep us posted if only just to come on here to vent… and I can be reached thru our website at http://www.kaydenjaycefoundation.org



  19. matthew sabelhaus

    April 28, 2015

    I’m from the state of indiana and i’m a victim of protection order being granted on false allegations. A woman in our community has a mixed child and constantly plays the victim card. Apparently over the summer of 2014 i made racial slurs toward her child and she filed a protection order against me and I had the paperwork to prove she was lying cause in the certain instances I was on a motorcycle I owned. The motorcycle that i apparently did it on though, i had sold 2 weeks prior to the date she accused me of doing it on. I went to court to show the judge that i no longer had possession of the bike on the date and had a notorized statement by the new bike owner saying he had been in possession ever since, I made the mistake of telling the judge i didn’t care if she granted it but i did have something that she would like to see and she instantly granted it and didn’t care what I had to show her. About 5 months after it was granted i was playing basketball at the local park and I forgot i wasn’t supposed to be there because thats where the supposed incident took place and the mother of the mixed child saw me there and called the cops. Now i’m facing a level 6 felony in the state of indiana for violating a protection order that is based off of false allegations, apparently though i missed my 30 days to appeal the protection order after it was granted, Now i’m facing being a felon the rest of my life due to a wretched mother abusing the court system and there being a flaw in the court system for me not being appeal it. This is dang near the 6th protection order she has filed against someone over her 16 year old son, not to mention her son as I have heard is actually a bully in the community.

    • Bad enough is that in Indiana, restraining orders are entered into a public database that anyone can access. I can access it, and I’m in Arizona. I don’t even see what the grounds for the order were in the first place. Alleged name-calling? No witnesses, I’m guessing. It sounds like the judge just objected to your attitude. Were you explicitly prohibited from going to the park by the judge? Does it say so on the order? When you appeal the alleged violation, Matthew, take care what you say, especially if you aren’t represented by a lawyer. Judges care more about manners than they do facts. I would caution you not to “confess” to “forgetting” unless you were explicitly told you were forbidden to go to the park, which is a public place. Words count; they’re big (and they’re held against you). Also see if the alleged violation might “refresh” the opportunity to appeal the order. I don’t know that that’s the case, but it would be worth asking an attorney. The law fixes these deadlines so that these matters are concluded quickly and you’re hooked. Considering their consequences to a defendant’s life, it’s outrageous.

  20. you are not alone….my son is facing this very same thing and he understands what you feel and are going thru. the courts are designed to help women and not realize that men are victims of the accuser (women). they know that the court will look at them as the caregivers not understanding or knowing the real issue. My son is white and worked the same 14 hrs daily. did everything for his family and kids. She left with the kids and is still to this day trying to get injunctions in the state she fled to claiming “that she is in danger”….God forgive me for saying this, but one day I hope she becomes a real victim and feels the same she is doing to my son” Keep fighting don’t ever give up…your kids need you.

  21. Hello anyone out there that can help a man that is at the saddest hour of his life. For I feel life is not even worth living at this point due to the evil and malicious acts of my wife.
    We had been talking about a divorce for the last year and a half as we have been married for 4 years and been together since we were 22 for 16 long years. We have a 2 year old and 7 month old both baby boys. My wife has rage issues and extreme hormone issues I think PMSDD and she’s clearly depressed and I cannot help her anymore. When our marriage became a sexless one we agreed we were just roommates taking care of the children until we started our divorce. My wife was contacted by a jealous woman who wanted to destroy my life because I would not leave my wife to be with her. She told my wife all sorts of lies. They next day my wife filled for divorce but also filled a fake restraining order to ensure I burn in hell and its working.

    My wife did’t come home with the kids on Friday evening after picking them up from daycare. No calls, no answer, nothing. I called day care and I was advised that my wife picked the kids up with her mother around 4PM. We live in LA and her mother lives in Ohio so I was like her mother? I did’t know she was in town? Its now about 11:30 PM so I called the hotel her mother usually stays at around the corner on Sunset Blvd. My wife answers and says “my mother came in town to help us”, “she’s concerned about us”. I told her to bring the kids home because she didn’t pack and pampers, or a change of clothes for them. She said I’ll be home in the morning. Next day they still were missing, I left to run errands and my wife called about 6PM saying Im back home. When I got back home. They locks to my front door was changed. I bang on the door demanding to be let in my own house and see my boys. Her mother who was visiting said go away she doesn’t want you here. I called the cops and went downstairs to wait. When they arrived the cop instantly starting attacking me and beating me. I screamed I called you to help me get in my house! He was rude beat me and cuffed me then put me in the back of a patrol car, I was fin there for about 20 minutes. Finally I was let go un cuffed bleeding stepping our the police care and her mother is outside the police car and says you’ve been served and hands me a packet of paperwork. I thought wtf? a divorce cool no problem but it was a retraining order claiming I have did physical violence to my wife for years and years. I never ever breathed too hard on my wife so how could she say such claims??I lost my breath for a few seconds in disbelief.

    I had to leave my house as is, no money, in flip flops and shorts, no credit cards, no suits for work, no children, no food, nothing. I was threatened to be taking to jail if I even tried to call her or stopped and my boys daycare. My hearing wasn’t for another 25 days. I thought what can I do this is hell being homeless but most of all I am the full time dad and mom to our boys. I do all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, shopping, putting to bed, baths, everything. My wife have gave the boys a bath maybe 3 times in there entire lives. She wakes up at 6Am and leaves out the door while I wake up and bath the children, change pampers, fix breakfast, dress them, dress myself in a 3 piece suit and take them to daycare then work 11 hours at the office. My wife picks them up at 6PM from daycare then Im home at 7PM to fix dinner, put the children to bed, clean, and finally sit down about 11PM when my day is complete.

    I survived the 25 days of being homeless living in hotels and racking up around 12K in debt including a attorney for the hearing. The hearing was going great. My wife getting caught up in lies, backtracking, bringing up events where I may have pushed her on the bed in 2012, or I dropped a cup and she stepped on it in 2013, or I tell her im going to kill her everyday. yeah right! No proof, no police reports, no police calls, no nothing, no telling a friend just her words agains my words and phone records. I thought about all the women getting punched in the head, slapped in the mouth, and living in total fear of their husbands and how it must really suck to live like that. Then I starred at my wife on the stand lying about getting pushed on the bed years ago and that she was afraid of her life but still stayed in the house every night and ate my cooking, and commanded me to be her slave. The judge still sided with her and issued a permenate restrain order but now allowed me 18% visiting rights to my kids, my flesh and blood, my boys were drying to see daddy its been a month. No she’s getting child support too, I have 18% visitation and I cant even call my wife. I got a move out order but my wife and her mom made moving out hell and even called the cops because they thought I was taking so secret money stash in the house. I didn’t even collect my things before I was blocked in the driveway by my wife and her angry mother. I am a black man and the wife is white, it doesn’t go well for black men in my position. I never laid a finger on my wife and now after moving out I have my computer that I can access old text, pictures and support for my real hearing. She is crazy for sure and I have so much proof. Pictures, text, everything that I didn’t have before.

    I just had a chance to see my boys this last weekend on Sat and Sun from 6am-9pm. I cried like the world had giving me the moon when my 2 year old held on to my neck for 10 minutes and said “I miss you so much dada” I now feel so much anger and helplessness. It was heart wrenching that a woman could be this evil to take the boys away from a man like me. All the deadbeat dads and my kids are my only focus in my life. Im a CPA Accountant for a Corporation. My wife lied, lie after lie after lie on the stand and then even cried after lying she was not a professionally trained actress three times until my attorney asked “are you a paying member of the SAG organization” then she finally said “why yes I am” haha”

    Its killing me not to have any rights, I feel like my world have been turned upside down without my boys with me everyday. Im struggling still living in hotels blowing money left and right just to sleep, my car is full of clothes and legal cost are mounting. I feel like jumping off a bridge as the evil this woman has portrayed to me is irreversible. Now what do I do? I can’t take it im going to loose my mind and snap. Id rather she put a gun to my head and pull the trigger then to put me through lies and manipulation through the court and hurt my boys as they go insane when I have to drop them back to their mother. Its most disconcerting to listen to a 65 year old white judge tell me that I have 18% of my flesh and blood over he say she say not one ounce of proof at all. The judge was Judge B Scott Silverman Los Angeles Superior Court. Please help me God. Please Please Please.

    _Thank you for reading_

    The Man That’s Dying Slowly

    • Forgive me. I’m numb from the stories I hear and wish I could find some consoling words. Maybe there aren’t any.

      Certainly I could publish your story (and will if you want me to), but this would do little to help you, and I know you’re daily in hell.

      Did you say you have another hearing? I’m not an attorney, but here are some thoughts: (1) Are there legal services through the corporation you work for that you could avail yourself of? Consider this, especially if costs make it prohibitive to pay private counsel. (2) The order can be appealed to the next highest court (even, possibly, to the state supreme court). (3) You should consider talking with a divorce lawyer if you haven’t already. They deal with this kind of thing routinely. They may also allow you to defer costs if you and your wife have some decent assets. (4) There’s a woman who contacted me over the weekend, Melissa Harvey of the Kayden Jayce Foundation. She’s a black single mom who wants to collect stories like yours, and she’s a very compassionate person. She’s in Georgia, so I don’t think she could help you with your case, but I think she would be a good source of moral support. Her phone number is on the foundation’s contact page (see website—the link can be found on the Internet or by looking two posts back on this site or in the margin under Featured Posts). I’ve never spoken with her and not felt better afterwards. Her personality is just like that. I think, as you say, black dads face discrimination, and if there’s not a good network in place, the groundwork for one should be laid. It all starts with a few connections.

      I’d also be curious to know if any of the injuries inflicted by the police were documented. Keep records and logs, because this stuff can be important down the road. As a CPA, you’re probably a genius at this. I’m a writer; I couldn’t tell you where my birth certificate is.

      Too, you might see if there are any nonprofit organizations that assist with this kind of thing, and you might survey what specific aid or support might exist in the Internet community to black dads in your situation (or to black people in general). Any kind of community support may help you morally and emotionally. Emotions are how the law kills people. Reach out, because you never know, and isolation is the coffin lid.

      Drop a line to the President, also. Seriously. This is a national outrage.

      Support won’t help you with the problem, but it might help you cope with it. The law also kills by being endlessly bureaucratic. You daily miss your kids, and it grinds slowly. Don’t stop moving. Exploit all resources available, and get good legal help (it’s the best moral support of all). Look around for a divorce lawyer who sympathizes with what you’re saying, maybe even one who identifies. California is restraining-order crazy, but you’re also in a big city with lots of good legal representatives. Talking with attorneys is usually free (and don’t hesitate to ask). Find someone who reassures you and rubs you the right way. Remember that these are people you hire to do a job for you. Get one who inspires confidence. They’re often “commanding” presences, but you’re the one paying for the job. Ask questions and express what’s on your mind. A lot of times, you can email lawyers. This might help you sift out good prospects even if you don’t have time to make calls because of your job. You can do it at night.

      From what I know of situations like this, accusers like your wife do not back down or reconsider. You can expect, expect, expect them to develop a conscience. They won’t; they’re committed. The lies mount, they bring others into their fictions, and they’ve got too much to lose. And they win, because they don’t have to do anything; you’ll chew yourself apart.

      It’s amazing but true that if a liar is believed, s/he will convince herself s/he’s right. It’s exciting having “powerful” people side with you; liars get swept up, and they relish “winning.” Someone you’ve spent 16 years with will watch you die. They’ll even erase the traces after your gone.

      On top of all of this, you’ll read some fat-witted twits on the Internet say that what you’re experiencing is nothing. They’re monsters, but they mostly don’t know it.

      Don’t let that angry note infect you. You need to hang on to your humanity for your kids’ sake. It might seem no one gets the emotional tightrope you have to walk, but there are some who do. Please hang in there and try to persevere.

    • There are two replies to your comment above, one from the Kayden Jayce Foundation.

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  1. FILING FALSE PROTECTION ORDERS | scornedbutnotbeaten

    […] For a more complete description and discussion on the topic of restraining orders, check out Talking back to restraining orders. Using a protection order in this case should be illegal. The person doing this has perjured […]

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