What Is Restraining Order Abuse?

Restraining order abuse is a form of abuse of process or malicious prosecution in which a plaintiff applies for a restraining order for a purpose other than that for which it was intended. Typically this purpose is a vengeful, exploitative, or otherwise vicious one—though restraining orders are also misused by the delusional, who may falsely believe their need to be valid and have no ulterior motive.

Restraining order applicants aren’t screened, whether based on their being under psychiatric care or having a history of mental illness, on their possessing criminal records, or on their having previously sought one or multiple restraining orders in the past. Some restraining order abusers are repeat offenders who know how to game the system for malicious ends.

Restraining order abuse is open to all comers. The courts don’t discriminate, and it doesn’t take a criminal mastermind. It doesn’t in fact even take a good liar, just a willing one.

Though lying to obtain a restraining order is a felony offense (perjury), this crime is never prosecuted, so all a malicious plaintiff risks is disappointment if his or her application is denied or his or her injunction is quashed on appeal—and there’s nothing to stop him or her from reapplying. Getting fraudulent restraining orders against the same defendant in multiple jurisdictions isn’t unheard of, nor is getting fraudulent restraining orders against multiple defendants.

Accountability in this process is nil.

Obtaining a restraining order can require less than an hour’s time and is usually free for the asking. Any adult who walks into a courthouse is entitled to apply. Actual time before a judge may be mere minutes, and restraining orders are issued ex parte, which means a judge’s basis for approving one is the plaintiff’s word alone, along with any evidence s/he may present during the brief interview, which evidence may of course be forged, skewed, or misrepresented. And injunctions may be approved in the absence of any corroborating “evidence” at all.

The entitlement to due process is categorically denied to restraining order defendants. Per Black’s Law Dictionary (6th ed.), “Due process of law in each particular case means such an exercise of the powers of the government as the settled maxims of law permit and sanction, and under such safeguards for the protection of individual rights as those maxims prescribe for the class of cases to which the one in question belongs.” In regard to restraining order defendants, the prescribed “safeguards for the protection of individual rights” are none.

The reason for this is a relic of the past.

Restraining orders were conceived decades ago in response to public outcry as a measure to arrest domestic violence, which was largely ignored or discounted at the time. Accordingly, the customary standard for substantiating a complaint to the court that bears criminal implications and consequences (namely, proof beyond a reasonable doubt) is suspended in restraining order cases, and plaintiffs are given broad latitude to ensure that those in legitimate need of protection will get it. This also explains restraining orders’ being free or inexpensive to procure.

This in turn explains the popularity of restraining orders as instruments of avarice, malice, or vendetta. A false allegation of domestic violence, for example, may require no material substantiation and risks a vicious plaintiff nothing yet may cost an innocent defendant everything, including home, property, and access to children and pets—and even, conceivably, freedom and income. Loss of health, reputation, and enjoyment of life goes without saying.

Motives for restraining order abuse run the gamut. Restraining orders are commonly abused by plaintiffs to gain the upper hand in child custody battles (spouses may portray their husbands or wives as monsters, and even coerce and coach their children to do the same). They’re abused preemptively by stalkers to disarm and dominate the targets of their obsessions. They’re abused by lovers to get clear of unwanted boy- or girlfriends or to spitefully injure boy- or girlfriends who rejected them (or even to injure former boy- or girlfriends’ new girl- or boyfriends).  They’re abused to gain sole ownership of pets and property. They’re abused to end extramarital relationships (while casting the accuser—who’s usually the cheater—in a positive light). They’re abused to blackmail: “Give me what I want, and I’ll drop the restraining order.” They’re abused to intimidate, harass, and maim.

Restraining orders are abused, in short, for the petty gratification of anyone who’s low enough to exploit the process.

Copyright © 2012 RestrainingOrderAbuse.com

274 Responses “What Is Restraining Order Abuse?” →
  1. I am being framed and forced out of my grandmothers house( she co-owns is with the guy because she was going to loose the house) so the half owner is trying to force me into a fight I have been ignoring him and his family and tending to my grandma/my own animals and my own business. Prior accusations were made about me supposedly trying to kill my grandma slowly with her medications (what would that get me? nothing but loosing the most important person in my life). I had thought of this man and looked up to him as a father figure since I met him at 12 years old until I turned (18) legal age when he made passes and forced himself on me knowing I was afraid to tell anyone. I was forced into sexual behavior when no one was around and he prayed on my weak innocent vulnerability. Nothing I did made him stop and I was too afraid to say anything for fears I’d be punished by my abusive mother, so I gave up and gave in. He would force me down and would take pictures with my phone and send it to him making it look like I was suggesting sex. He would force me into the stall of my horse, the tack room, the kitchen when his wife was away, and even corner me in the bedroom. I would wake up to him pulling my pants down and forcing himself in me. When I finally had enough courage to tell anyone (his wife, My grandma) he said that it was a lie and I would ask him for sex using the pictures he took as proof. So no one believed me. I was then forced to sign a statement saying that I lied and it was all false. It said what he wanted it to say to remove the restraining order just to be able to stay and take care of my grandma who is not blood but I’ve been considered her granddaughter since I was 6 years old I’m now almost 25 years old. I am her sol caretaker, I drive and make appointments, I do her shopping, I do her banking, I make sure shes fed and clothed and showered (when no-one is home usually) because she has severe COPD she has a hard time moving around because she cant breath so I help her shower and walk and give her exercise ideas so she stays strong. She does everything on her own terms and her own will. I simply provide love and support and care. She is coherent and can still sign and make choices on her own. But I am being falsely accused of trying to kill her and Ive been finding Needles in her room I am not a smoker, not a drug user, not a crazy person. The man who co-owns the house gets the whole thing in the will if she dies. He has ruined a job I had working a troubled horse because he is telling people I am a crazy person and I use drugs. The horse people kicked me out and now I am banned. My grandmother recently broke her hip and now is in a recovery home and the co-owner thinks she will be there permanently now so he is talking to his lawyer about restarting that previous restraining order to get me out of the house. How do I fight these accusations when there is deeper past with this man. He has ruined my life and my fiance is rethinking loving me because this guy constantly causes problems its an everyday thing.

    Reply
    • I’m not an attorney, so I can’t give you any sound legal advice other than that you need an attorney.

      I’m wondering if you have any way of substantiating the sexual abuse. I don’t know whether a personal injury attorney would handle a case like this, but I do know they often work “on contingency,” which means they don’t expect money from you. This could be a tough sell unless there are significant assets that you might win in a lawsuit. I would, though, encourage you to talk to every attorney in town, including every personal injury attorney.

      The Catholic Church was sued long past the statutes of limitation for sexual abuse by men who had been molested as children. The basis of the suits was “failure to thrive.” The men had simply been “broken” by the abuse. This was a basis for recovery for damages even decades after incidents had transpired.

      What your case shows is that if someone can say, “I had to get a restraining order against [him or her],” then it doesn’t really matter what that person has done. You can cry rape, and the other person can say, very persuasively, “She’s crazy.” It’s like magic.

      You really need an attorney who can advise you how to proceed since you haven’t previously brought charges against this man for sexual assault.

      Certainly if you have the opportunity to defend yourself in court, you shouldn’t balk at laying this out for a judge. The problem is credibility. It’s horrible to say to someone in your situation, but there are people (loads of them) who exploit legal process by making false claims of a violent and/or sexual nature.

      And since the man went to the court first, you’re going to be doubted.

      What puzzles me is if you spelled out the abuse to your “grandmother,” what in the world kind of relationship do the three of you have now? If the woman is lucid, she may be able to help or defend you.

      One other thing: Lies to the courts aren’t actionable; people tell horrible lies, offhandedly, lies that destroy people’s lives, and they face no consequences. However, lying about you publicly to other people and lying to get you fired from a job—lying to humiliate and ostracize you—that is actionable. It’s slander/defamation (a civil tort—something you can sue for).

      Again, a personal injury lawyer might consider a case like this—I’m not sure. Unless you have thousands at your disposal, you’ll have to find a trial lawyer who’s sympathetic to your case. Call around. Email. Be really persistent. It sounds like this guy thinks of you as a rival for the woman’s (your “grandmother’s”) affections, possibly worries about your having a claim on her estate, and wants you out of the picture.

      Abuse of a slack and superficial civil court procedure (i.e., the restraining order process) can be very crushing, especially when the abuse is by someone with something to hide and no qualms of conscience. There’s no overestimating this. People are harried to the point that they flee to other states, and they may be crippled with depression, agoraphobia, and PTSD.

      Fight back aggressively by trying to procure the help of an attorney. If you look on this site for a commenter using the alias “Joel Bond Gunch” (see the second to the most recent post on the blog) and leave a comment for him, he might have some other suggestions. He’s a former attorney and a good man.

      Reply

  2. Christian

    May 18, 2015

    my wife obtained a P.O. / R.O. in an attempt to gain an advantage in our now divorce. This fall we were fighting about finances and her constantly being gone away from the home. I later learned this was probably because of the affairs she was having.

    In November she told me she wanted a divorce. By December she was telling the only way to save our marriage was for me to move out of the home for a seperation while we worked on our marriage. I moved into my mother’s home in hopes of saving our marriage. All I really did was facilitate her affair. On a monday in January I was home for a weekend visit. When I came home from work I found a used condom in our trash. We hadn’t been intimate in months. We had a confrontation and I again agreed to leave the home. I was hoping ti was a phase and that she would end her affair soon. A week later she asked me to watch the kids while she took a vacation. A week later I found out that she booked another man with her on her trip. I came home and told her I would no longer leave the house while she was having these “affairs”. I asked her to please reconsider and not throw away our marriage over another man. She told me there had been 8. She said it loud enough for the children to hear. I asked if the children did hear that and she punched me in the shoulder. I called the police and then begged them not to arrest her. they just asked her to leave. She returned a few hours later and begged me to leave. I left the home, once again, and stayed at a hotel that week. At the end of that week I was served with a P.O.

    Being homless, I had to stay with relatives that lived out of state. During that time I ran a credit check and saw that my wife had not made a mortgage payment in months. I immediatley stopped my work checks from being direct deposited. When I returned home I hired an attorney.

    At court, and because she had now filed for divorce, the court dismissed the P.O. but applied a R.O. in it’s place while the divorce proceeding took place. She now has complete control of our home, the children, the pets and anything else in that home. Now she can have her affairs completely in private.

    This has destroyed who I am, my reputation and my credit! She continued to not pay on the mortgage and the house is now in forclosure. I am trying to work with my mortgage lender but it is difficult not having access to any of my files and having to continue to pay for my home as well as rent for an apartment while I fight this battle.

    All of this because she knew I was onto her affair. I lose my house, time with my kids and my reputation because she can’t keep her legs closed!

    Reply
    • I was just reading a review of a book called Angry White Men. The review was by a woman, Hanna Rosin, who’s the author of a book called, The End of Men. The review references the show Mad Men a couple of times (detect a theme?). This scenario could be right out of the 60s, only with the genders reversed, and it’s the unacknowledged harvest of our “social progress.”

      Do you have a divorce lawyer working for you, Christian?

      Reply
  3. I am the victim of this. It was used to ruin my life and eventually arrest me for crimes I did not commit. I admit, I was an asshole but only after she had drugged at one point near the edn of our relationship just to do it again to break in my house.

    Reply
  4. Hello all & Todd

    This information was listed on our website, We will be rehousing it for those in need. I know that there are many people out on the blog that may just read the posts and not comment. I just wanted to share these with you all who may be going thru one or all of the below.

    Being Falsely Accused of Child Abuse?
    If you are accused of child abuse, whether sexual or violent in nature, or abuse that is supposed to have occurred in front of your children, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a ‘visit’ from Social Services, which may seem casual and friendly but is actually recorded on a computer and remains on a social services file indefinitely. If Social Services decide not to do anything about it, there will be ‘no action taken’. It is well worth checking what is on the file in these circumstances to make sure that what has been recorded is accurate. You are unlikely to get an apology or thanks for your cooperation.

    Further Action
    If Social Services decide that they need to take further action, they can hold a ‘core assessment’ meeting where they can direct you to do certain things as a parent. Your child could be put on the ‘at risk’ register. If this happens, it could be that your authority over your child’s welfare may be shared with Social Services, or your child could be taken into care, or adopted into another family.

    Your Child’s File
    Whatever information is on file about your child, it can be seen by medical professionals, health visitors, teachers and school staff, housing authorities, police, public and some voluntary workers who have contact with children, and youth workers. That is why it is important to ensure that whatever is recorded is correct.

    The Meeting With Social Services
    Although this is often sold to people as ‘a little chat’, you should NOT treat it as such. Make sure you bring someone with you who you know and trust as a witness, and make sure you tape record the meeting. Ask everyone there whether they have any objection to you recording the meeting – they should not. Use a ‘conference microphone’ so that you get a clear definition of what everyone says. If you know what the meeting is going to be about, bring any documentation that you think will help. No matter how nice they are to you, remember they are there to do a job – which is to see whether you are an unfit parent or not. They are not paid to be kind to you.

    The Good News
    As public bodies are terrified of being lambasted in the media, they can have a tendency to over-react to any kind of concern expressed over a child’s welfare. There does not have to be strong evidence in order to trigger a referral to Social Services. Sometimes it is simply an opinion, a suspicion, or an impression that a public employee has, although there are rules and concerns must be ‘evidence based.’ Although this might seem shocking, a considerable number of referrals to Social Services are not investigated at all because they are deemed to be without merit. Although figures vary between local authorities, those that are not investigated at all amount to around 55% of all referrals. If there is genuinely nothing wrong, and the referral has been made mistakenly, or maliciously, just make sure you take the precautions described above. Act professionally, tell the truth and make sure that you do not say anything even in jest that could be misinterpreted.

    Being Falsely Accused of Domestic Abuse?
    Every year, many people in the UK are falsely accused of domestic violence. The reasons for this are wide-ranging. Some partners or ex-partners make up allegations of domestic violence to get out of a relationship that they are otherwise unhappy with, others do it to spite their partners, while some still want to ensure that they stop (usually) the father from seeing the children. In other circumstances, a stranger, someone you know, or perhaps your child’s teacher could become concerned about an injury to your child or something your child says – and refers Social Services to you. The tragic fact is that this does happen to people who are totally innocent of any crime. Sadly, although in this country you are ‘innocent until proven guilty’, the truth is that sometimes people can get charged and found guilty for domestic violence on very little evidence.

    What Can Happen
    You can be arrested while in your own home, in front of your partner and children, and in full view of the neighbors. Then you can be taken to the police station, your DNA taken and held on file, and interviewed while under caution. You could find yourself in court, charged with an offence for which you have done nothing wrong. Worst of all, you could end up with a criminal conviction and sent to prison. The problem is, when emotions are running high after a break up or divorce, one call to the police can have far-reaching consequences. If word gets around your local community, you could suffer verbal abuse, harassment or worse for being a ‘monster’.

    Your Rights
    If this happens to you, you need to be aware of your rights. You are entitled to legal advice at the police station. If you waive your right, you may end up saying something that could be misconstrued, especially if you are tired or are lulled into a false sense of security by the interviewing officers. There have been many cases that have been successfully brought by the Crown Prosecution Service purely on the basis of an admission in interview at the police station.

    If you do speak to a lawyer, tell them the truth because if you are coy, or uncooperative, they are not going to be able to advise you properly. The police may bail you to return to the police station on another date. If they do this, you MUST ensure you go back on the day and at the time specified, or you will be charged with an offence of ‘failure to surrender’ and a warrant may be issued for your arrest. If you are innocent of any crime, be persistent, stick to the truth and try your best not to get angry at any stage. If you find yourself in court, it is vital that you come across as genuine and sincere about your innocence.

    Implications For Your Accuser
    If your partner or ex-partner accuses you of domestic violence, when you have in fact done nothing wrong, by the time the police are involved your ex has already committed a criminal offence for which they could receive a prison sentence of up to six months. If they then go on to falsify evidence to the authorities – the police, social services etc – they are then perverting the course of justice. If the case actually gets to court, and you find yourself in the dock on trial for something you haven’t done, your accuser would in most circumstances have to give evidence in court. If they are still lying at this stage, they are committing perjury. These are all serious criminal offences for which your ex-partner could serve a long prison sentence.

    Being Falsely Accused of Rape?
    Your Rights
    If this happens to you, you need to be aware of your rights. You are entitled to legal advice at the police station. If you waive your right, you may end up saying something that could be misconstrued, especially if you are tired or are lulled into a false sense of security by the interviewing officers. There have been many cases that have been successfully brought by the Crown Prosecution Service purely on the basis of an admission in interview at the police station.
    If you do speak to a lawyer, tell them the truth because if you are coy, or uncooperative, they are not going to be able to advise you properly. The police may bail you to return to the police station on another date. If they do this, you MUST ensure you go back on the day and at the time specified, or you will be charged with an offence of ‘failure to surrender’ and a warrant may be issued for your arrest. If you are innocent of any crime, be persistent, stick to the truth and try your best not to get angry at any stage. If you find yourself in court, it is vital that you come across as genuine and sincere about your innocence.

    Implications For Your Accuser
    If your partner or ex-partner accuses you of domestic violence, when you have in fact done nothing wrong, by the time the police are involved your ex has already committed a criminal offence for which they could receive a prison sentence of up to six months. If they then go on to falsify evidence to the authorities – the police, social services etc – they are then perverting the course of justice. If the case actually gets to court, and you find yourself in the dock on trial for something you haven’t done, your accuser would in most circumstances have to give evidence in court. If they are still lying at this stage, they are committing perjury. These are all serious criminal offences for which your ex-partner could serve a long prison sentence.

    Your Rights
    If this happens to you, you need to be aware of your rights. You are entitled to legal advice at the police station. If you waive your right, you may end up saying something that could be misconstrued, especially if you are tired or are lulled into a false sense of security by the interviewing officers. There have been many cases that have been successfully brought by the Crown Prosecution Service purely on the basis of an admission in interview at the police station.
    If you do speak to a lawyer, tell them the truth because if you are coy, or uncooperative, they are not going to be able to advise you properly. The police may bail you to return to the police station on another date. If they do this, you MUST ensure you go back on the day and at the time specified, or you will be charged with an offence of ‘failure to surrender’ and a warrant may be issued for your arrest. If you are innocent of any crime, be persistent, stick to the truth and try your best not to get angry at any stage. If you find yourself in court, it is vital that you come across as genuine and sincere about your innocence.

    What Can You Do?
    If your partner or ex-partner accuses you of domestic violence, when you have in fact done nothing wrong, by the time the police are involved your ex has already committed a criminal offence for which they could receive a prison sentence of up to six months. If they then go on to falsify evidence to the authorities – the police, social services etc – they are then perverting the course of justice. If the case actually gets to court, and you find yourself in the dock on trial for something you haven’t done, your accuser would in most circumstances have to give evidence in court. If they are still lying at this stage, they are committing perjury. These are all serious criminal offences for which your ex-partner could serve a long prison sentence.

    • Were they angry with you, or someone else?
    • Were they going through a particularly stressful time?
    • What reason did they have for wanting you out of the way?
    • Were you absent from their life at the time they made the allegation? If this is the case, could it be that they are blaming you or punishing you – when the reality is that it was because you were emotionally or physically absent from them at the time? If you find the reason for the lie, you can expose the truth

    Reply

  5. lena bennett

    May 3, 2015

    Are bails with no percentage placed on temporary restraining orders?

    Reply
    • A temporary restraining order is just a preliminary (ex parte) civil court judgment. It imports a lot, but it doesn’t mean much. A temporary order is issued on five minutes’ consideration. There’s nothing conclusive about it.

      Reply
  6. My male fiance was given a ticket of misdemeanor 3rd degree sexual assault. The woman who accused him is a manager of a seasonal store where he goes in every spring to buy products. We have know this woman from the store for 4 or more years. She’s a friend on facebook, and he hugged her and listened to all her personal problems. This year, a few days after we bought $250.00 worth of products from her, she called the police and said she has a video of him hugging her. Her protection order said he was gesturing oral sex, and then in the storage room, he was helping her load the products into his car. She said he was propositioning her oral sex for himself and her. Which never happened. The judge denied her request for a protection order. We got an expensive lawyer. The thing is, if he is found guilty of this misdemeanor, his name will be on the sexual register, and he’ll never be able to get a job. The police told our lawyer they have a video. We haven’t viewed the video yet, but if it was so damaging, why didn’t it get brought up at the hearing for the protection order. We don’t exactly feel like celebrating yet, because the arraignment isn’t til June. My question is, since the request for the protection order was dismissed, are our chances of the charge being dismissed or down graded good?

    Reply
    • I can only answer this reasonably and say maybe. If the evidence didn’t seem strong enough to introduce in civil court, there may not be much there. But who knows why the video wasn’t shown. Maybe the plaintiff was just disorganized. I have no faith in the discernment of judges, but reason says that if the video shows what your husband describes, the criminal charge should get tossed. You had a history with this woman that would suggest a hug was hardly “out of line.” What I wonder is, what is this woman’s motive? Did your fiancé get a jealousy vibe? Did he spurn this woman?

      I’ve been through something similar for many years, but my accuser has the mind of a child and would never be this graphic or scheming in her accusations. I’ve only ever been to civil court with her. Nine years ago she sent me an email saying I was nice to her. Three days later, she accused me of sexual harassment and “danger.” She had come on to me at my home and was afraid of it getting back to her husband. She tweaked her allegations over months in 2006 (in each instance making them a little sharper) and fully seven years later accused me of having “propositioned” her. No details were offered, and of course it never happened. My family and I were only ever kind to her and trusting.

      http://restrainingorderabuse.com/2015/05/01/the-evolution-of-a-lie-how-covering-up-an-impulsive-deception-can-turn-into-a-decade-of-legal-abuse/

      A criminal charge is worse in its implications and ramifications, but be glad the protection order was rejected. The standard for issuing civil orders is much lower than the standard for convicting someone of a crime. Undoing a protection order is hellish, and trying is usually futile. It will still kill you emotionally, though, because of the implications, and the record is kept forever.

      Think about motive. It could be the woman’s completely screwball, but even screwballs justify things to themselves.

      I really hope you guys get clear of this.

      Reply
  7. Reply
  8. Oh my…if only words can help everyone’s situation. I am sooooo sorry to hear that.
    “lkinneb”, “happy” & the rest of the board who have been thru such a travesty. That is the worst feeling of hopelessness, anger, confusion and emptiness that no one should have to face (with or without child(ren) – (and I know that doesn’t help that feeling you have right now) It’s so amazing to me that cases are taken so lightly ESPECIALLY when a Judge can read and see thru the lies. (I paid to have my transcript from the court reporter and I recommend everyone that I speak to, to do the same! In some courts they record it. You’ll be surprised what you can fight/have your case dropped with those documents. (You have to start somewhere oppose to just the “he said she said”. Clearly in a court of law it states perjury is a felony, so why can people get away with it? I had my Kayden Jayce Foundation shirt made with perjury, the definition and the US Code on the back of my shirt.

    Stated: (Perjury – per·ju·ry ~ the offense of willfully telling an untruth in a court after having taken an oath or affirmation.
    18 U.S. Code § 1621
    Whoever—is guilty of perjury and shall, except as otherwise expressly provided by law, be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both. This section is applicable whether the statement or subscription is made within or without the United States.) THIS NEEDS TO BE ENFORCED!!!!

    And yes, I agree with you, women do it more than men and there is a small percentage of men that do it as well. (Trust me) At any rate…IT IS WRONG!!!! Doesn’t matter what gender the A$$ is.

    I am working on getting Attorneys from other states to get on board (just as a referral since I need to register with The Bar Association in every state to help fight with you all) in hopes that the attorney can lower their rates for people like yourself. I’ve been there, so much so that I HATE explaining my story right now, (I believe I have PTSD from this) $8000. in attorney fees to protect the truth, my name & my child. Whenever false accusations come upon you…YOU MUST PROTECT yourself and fight back!!! This is your life that can be ruined, job security & where you may take up residence among other things. (In California if you own a gun, you must surrender it because you are considered “dangerous”. (You may hunt or be a police officer) All because someone is mad at you and call themselves getting revenge.

    Please, hang in there for your children and the rest of us who suffered, still suffer & would like to see change and justice for the wrongfully accused. What doesn’t come out in the wash will come out in the rinse. (You have to believe that although you can’t see it right now)

    When a person can do this to another (especially when you thought you knew the other person….you must have everything in writing (text and emails) if she ever so much as texts or calls you, that restraining order is “suppose” to be dropped!!! And hopefully you can work from there to try and get everything situated with your children and a glimmer of hope and piece/peace of mind (both pieces/peaces are fitting when going thru this)

    Please keep us posted if only just to come on here to vent… and I can be reached thru our website at http://www.kaydenjaycefoundation.org

    Melissa

    Reply

  9. matthew sabelhaus

    April 28, 2015

    I’m from the state of indiana and i’m a victim of protection order being granted on false allegations. A woman in our community has a mixed child and constantly plays the victim card. Apparently over the summer of 2014 i made racial slurs toward her child and she filed a protection order against me and I had the paperwork to prove she was lying cause in the certain instances I was on a motorcycle I owned. The motorcycle that i apparently did it on though, i had sold 2 weeks prior to the date she accused me of doing it on. I went to court to show the judge that i no longer had possession of the bike on the date and had a notorized statement by the new bike owner saying he had been in possession ever since, I made the mistake of telling the judge i didn’t care if she granted it but i did have something that she would like to see and she instantly granted it and didn’t care what I had to show her. About 5 months after it was granted i was playing basketball at the local park and I forgot i wasn’t supposed to be there because thats where the supposed incident took place and the mother of the mixed child saw me there and called the cops. Now i’m facing a level 6 felony in the state of indiana for violating a protection order that is based off of false allegations, apparently though i missed my 30 days to appeal the protection order after it was granted, Now i’m facing being a felon the rest of my life due to a wretched mother abusing the court system and there being a flaw in the court system for me not being appeal it. This is dang near the 6th protection order she has filed against someone over her 16 year old son, not to mention her son as I have heard is actually a bully in the community.

    Reply
    • Bad enough is that in Indiana, restraining orders are entered into a public database that anyone can access. I can access it, and I’m in Arizona. I don’t even see what the grounds for the order were in the first place. Alleged name-calling? No witnesses, I’m guessing. It sounds like the judge just objected to your attitude. Were you explicitly prohibited from going to the park by the judge? Does it say so on the order? When you appeal the alleged violation, Matthew, take care what you say, especially if you aren’t represented by a lawyer. Judges care more about manners than they do facts. I would caution you not to “confess” to “forgetting” unless you were explicitly told you were forbidden to go to the park, which is a public place. Words count; they’re big (and they’re held against you). Also see if the alleged violation might “refresh” the opportunity to appeal the order. I don’t know that that’s the case, but it would be worth asking an attorney. The law fixes these deadlines so that these matters are concluded quickly and you’re hooked. Considering their consequences to a defendant’s life, it’s outrageous.

      Reply
  10. you are not alone….my son is facing this very same thing and he understands what you feel and are going thru. the courts are designed to help women and not realize that men are victims of the accuser (women). they know that the court will look at them as the caregivers not understanding or knowing the real issue. My son is white and worked the same 14 hrs daily. did everything for his family and kids. She left with the kids and is still to this day trying to get injunctions in the state she fled to claiming “that she is in danger”….God forgive me for saying this, but one day I hope she becomes a real victim and feels the same she is doing to my son” Keep fighting don’t ever give up…your kids need you.

    Reply
  11. Hello anyone out there that can help a man that is at the saddest hour of his life. For I feel life is not even worth living at this point due to the evil and malicious acts of my wife.
    We had been talking about a divorce for the last year and a half as we have been married for 4 years and been together since we were 22 for 16 long years. We have a 2 year old and 7 month old both baby boys. My wife has rage issues and extreme hormone issues I think PMSDD and she’s clearly depressed and I cannot help her anymore. When our marriage became a sexless one we agreed we were just roommates taking care of the children until we started our divorce. My wife was contacted by a jealous woman who wanted to destroy my life because I would not leave my wife to be with her. She told my wife all sorts of lies. They next day my wife filled for divorce but also filled a fake restraining order to ensure I burn in hell and its working.

    My wife did’t come home with the kids on Friday evening after picking them up from daycare. No calls, no answer, nothing. I called day care and I was advised that my wife picked the kids up with her mother around 4PM. We live in LA and her mother lives in Ohio so I was like her mother? I did’t know she was in town? Its now about 11:30 PM so I called the hotel her mother usually stays at around the corner on Sunset Blvd. My wife answers and says “my mother came in town to help us”, “she’s concerned about us”. I told her to bring the kids home because she didn’t pack and pampers, or a change of clothes for them. She said I’ll be home in the morning. Next day they still were missing, I left to run errands and my wife called about 6PM saying Im back home. When I got back home. They locks to my front door was changed. I bang on the door demanding to be let in my own house and see my boys. Her mother who was visiting said go away she doesn’t want you here. I called the cops and went downstairs to wait. When they arrived the cop instantly starting attacking me and beating me. I screamed I called you to help me get in my house! He was rude beat me and cuffed me then put me in the back of a patrol car, I was fin there for about 20 minutes. Finally I was let go un cuffed bleeding stepping our the police care and her mother is outside the police car and says you’ve been served and hands me a packet of paperwork. I thought wtf? a divorce cool no problem but it was a retraining order claiming I have did physical violence to my wife for years and years. I never ever breathed too hard on my wife so how could she say such claims??I lost my breath for a few seconds in disbelief.

    I had to leave my house as is, no money, in flip flops and shorts, no credit cards, no suits for work, no children, no food, nothing. I was threatened to be taking to jail if I even tried to call her or stopped and my boys daycare. My hearing wasn’t for another 25 days. I thought what can I do this is hell being homeless but most of all I am the full time dad and mom to our boys. I do all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, shopping, putting to bed, baths, everything. My wife have gave the boys a bath maybe 3 times in there entire lives. She wakes up at 6Am and leaves out the door while I wake up and bath the children, change pampers, fix breakfast, dress them, dress myself in a 3 piece suit and take them to daycare then work 11 hours at the office. My wife picks them up at 6PM from daycare then Im home at 7PM to fix dinner, put the children to bed, clean, and finally sit down about 11PM when my day is complete.

    I survived the 25 days of being homeless living in hotels and racking up around 12K in debt including a attorney for the hearing. The hearing was going great. My wife getting caught up in lies, backtracking, bringing up events where I may have pushed her on the bed in 2012, or I dropped a cup and she stepped on it in 2013, or I tell her im going to kill her everyday. yeah right! No proof, no police reports, no police calls, no nothing, no telling a friend just her words agains my words and phone records. I thought about all the women getting punched in the head, slapped in the mouth, and living in total fear of their husbands and how it must really suck to live like that. Then I starred at my wife on the stand lying about getting pushed on the bed years ago and that she was afraid of her life but still stayed in the house every night and ate my cooking, and commanded me to be her slave. The judge still sided with her and issued a permenate restrain order but now allowed me 18% visiting rights to my kids, my flesh and blood, my boys were drying to see daddy its been a month. No she’s getting child support too, I have 18% visitation and I cant even call my wife. I got a move out order but my wife and her mom made moving out hell and even called the cops because they thought I was taking so secret money stash in the house. I didn’t even collect my things before I was blocked in the driveway by my wife and her angry mother. I am a black man and the wife is white, it doesn’t go well for black men in my position. I never laid a finger on my wife and now after moving out I have my computer that I can access old text, pictures and support for my real hearing. She is crazy for sure and I have so much proof. Pictures, text, everything that I didn’t have before.

    I just had a chance to see my boys this last weekend on Sat and Sun from 6am-9pm. I cried like the world had giving me the moon when my 2 year old held on to my neck for 10 minutes and said “I miss you so much dada” I now feel so much anger and helplessness. It was heart wrenching that a woman could be this evil to take the boys away from a man like me. All the deadbeat dads and my kids are my only focus in my life. Im a CPA Accountant for a Corporation. My wife lied, lie after lie after lie on the stand and then even cried after lying she was not a professionally trained actress three times until my attorney asked “are you a paying member of the SAG organization” then she finally said “why yes I am” haha”

    Its killing me not to have any rights, I feel like my world have been turned upside down without my boys with me everyday. Im struggling still living in hotels blowing money left and right just to sleep, my car is full of clothes and legal cost are mounting. I feel like jumping off a bridge as the evil this woman has portrayed to me is irreversible. Now what do I do? I can’t take it im going to loose my mind and snap. Id rather she put a gun to my head and pull the trigger then to put me through lies and manipulation through the court and hurt my boys as they go insane when I have to drop them back to their mother. Its most disconcerting to listen to a 65 year old white judge tell me that I have 18% of my flesh and blood over he say she say not one ounce of proof at all. The judge was Judge B Scott Silverman Los Angeles Superior Court. Please help me God. Please Please Please.

    _Thank you for reading_

    The Man That’s Dying Slowly

    Reply
    • Forgive me. I’m numb from the stories I hear and wish I could find some consoling words. Maybe there aren’t any.

      Certainly I could publish your story (and will if you want me to), but this would do little to help you, and I know you’re daily in hell.

      Did you say you have another hearing? I’m not an attorney, but here are some thoughts: (1) Are there legal services through the corporation you work for that you could avail yourself of? Consider this, especially if costs make it prohibitive to pay private counsel. (2) The order can be appealed to the next highest court (even, possibly, to the state supreme court). (3) You should consider talking with a divorce lawyer if you haven’t already. They deal with this kind of thing routinely. They may also allow you to defer costs if you and your wife have some decent assets. (4) There’s a woman who contacted me over the weekend, Melissa Harvey of the Kayden Jayce Foundation. She’s a black single mom who wants to collect stories like yours, and she’s a very compassionate person. She’s in Georgia, so I don’t think she could help you with your case, but I think she would be a good source of moral support. Her phone number is on the foundation’s contact page (see website—the link can be found on the Internet or by looking two posts back on this site or in the margin under Featured Posts). I’ve never spoken with her and not felt better afterwards. Her personality is just like that. I think, as you say, black dads face discrimination, and if there’s not a good network in place, the groundwork for one should be laid. It all starts with a few connections.

      I’d also be curious to know if any of the injuries inflicted by the police were documented. Keep records and logs, because this stuff can be important down the road. As a CPA, you’re probably a genius at this. I’m a writer; I couldn’t tell you where my birth certificate is.

      Too, you might see if there are any nonprofit organizations that assist with this kind of thing, and you might survey what specific aid or support might exist in the Internet community to black dads in your situation (or to black people in general). Any kind of community support may help you morally and emotionally. Emotions are how the law kills people. Reach out, because you never know, and isolation is the coffin lid.

      Drop a line to the President, also. Seriously. This is a national outrage.

      Support won’t help you with the problem, but it might help you cope with it. The law also kills by being endlessly bureaucratic. You daily miss your kids, and it grinds slowly. Don’t stop moving. Exploit all resources available, and get good legal help (it’s the best moral support of all). Look around for a divorce lawyer who sympathizes with what you’re saying, maybe even one who identifies. California is restraining-order crazy, but you’re also in a big city with lots of good legal representatives. Talking with attorneys is usually free (and don’t hesitate to ask). Find someone who reassures you and rubs you the right way. Remember that these are people you hire to do a job for you. Get one who inspires confidence. They’re often “commanding” presences, but you’re the one paying for the job. Ask questions and express what’s on your mind. A lot of times, you can email lawyers. This might help you sift out good prospects even if you don’t have time to make calls because of your job. You can do it at night.

      From what I know of situations like this, accusers like your wife do not back down or reconsider. You can expect, expect, expect them to develop a conscience. They won’t; they’re committed. The lies mount, they bring others into their fictions, and they’ve got too much to lose. And they win, because they don’t have to do anything; you’ll chew yourself apart.

      It’s amazing but true that if a liar is believed, s/he will convince herself s/he’s right. It’s exciting having “powerful” people side with you; liars get swept up, and they relish “winning.” Someone you’ve spent 16 years with will watch you die. They’ll even erase the traces after your gone.

      On top of all of this, you’ll read some fat-witted twits on the Internet say that what you’re experiencing is nothing. They’re monsters, but they mostly don’t know it.

      Don’t let that angry note infect you. You need to hang on to your humanity for your kids’ sake. It might seem no one gets the emotional tightrope you have to walk, but there are some who do. Please hang in there and try to persevere.

      Reply
    • There are two replies to your comment above, one from the Kayden Jayce Foundation.

      Reply
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  1. FILING FALSE PROTECTION ORDERS | scornedbutnotbeaten

    […] For a more complete description and discussion on the topic of restraining orders, check out Talking back to restraining orders. Using a protection order in this case should be illegal. The person doing this has perjured […]

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