It’s possible for a complete stranger to target another at that person’s home, install him- or herself there, loiter outside of the target’s residence in the dark for months on end to indulge a twist of the mind, and then petition a restraining order from the court to shift the blame for misconduct onto its victim.
Marital infidelity and violence, besides stalking, can be concealed this way by either male or female offenders, whose appetites, once whetted, may urge them to commit further abuses of legal process over periods spanning years or decades—as well as to broaden their victim base.
Forms of restraining order abuse to retool the truth and/or demonize and punish a target of malicious fixation or revenge—whether a spouse, a boy- or girlfriend, an ex, a sibling or parent, a rival, a neighbor, or a stranger—are numerous and discredit restraining orders as instruments of protection.
Such abuses diminish, derail, and destroy lives every day.
The very phrase restraining order abuse is redundant. Millions of restraining orders are issued each year in the U.S. alone, as many as 50 to 80% of which are said to be unnecessary or grounded on false allegations. Scholars, legal lions, and journalists have challenged the value and legitimacy of restraining orders for decades.
This blog, conceived by a would-be commercial writer whose life has been preoccupied with legal conflict for many years, supplements their arguments for reform of a judicial process that’s constitutionally insupportable and annually costs this nation over $4 billion.
TALKING BACK to restraining orders 
A Restraining Order Served
is an order used by a court to protect a person, business, company, establishment, or entity, and the general public, in a situation involving alleged domestic violence, child abuse, assault, harassment, stalking, or sexual assault. In the United States, every state has some form of domestic violence restraining order law, and many states also have specific restraining order laws for stalking and sexual assault.
a Process Server
person who serves legal documents, as subpoenas, writs, or warrants, especially those requiring appearance in court.
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If you’d care to comment, I’d be curious whether there are instances when, after you’ve served an order, the recipient looked incredulous or even blurted to you that it was “a pack of lies” or said the rough equivolent in harsher terms.
Thank you for using the word “alleged” in your text. It’s a word that’s typically omitted from such explanations.
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I had a similar, horrible experience with Daniel in which I am convinced he is a true monster and if I were to see him randomly now after 15 years I’d possibly have a breakdown.i knew he’d hurt me if I didn’t do something drastic,like move to another state on the fly without any planning or advance to hide from him after knowing him about 2 weeks max. I knew he’d hurt me,bc he already had…burned me with a hair dryer and left grill marks on my arm for months,for one instance….if he’s free I know in my heart he will kill someone or already has.zero doubt.so glad I ran and didn’t fight.im so sorry and hope you know that any efforts to tame these monsters have not been in vain. Your plight and your fight possibly was why I was able to escape from DW at age 18,he was 23 I think….I saw this after googling his name while telling my husband about my breif but scary and regrettable encounter with a Witmer about 15 years or so ago for the 1st time.id tried to block it all out all this time.
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You’re referring to Daniel Witmer, the man referenced in this post?
I’m sorry. I know of this family only tangentially but I haven’t been able to draw any redeeming impressions of them. I was in court with Witmer’s cousin Tiffany Hargis, a monster of a different stripe, for 12 years, and I made an earnest effort when the business started to appeal to the family to end it. The woman’s parents, Witmer’s aunt and uncle, have been described to me as “users.” They seem to live easy lives. It’s as though there’s something corrupt in the genes.
Again I’m sorry for your trauma. If shining a light on these people has done you a service, I’m very glad.
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This is a voicemail left for me by an ex right before she went to court to obtain her 5th Domestic Violence restraining order against me. Ironically, this person is herself an Attorney and threatened to “ruin my life in legal ways” many times.
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How could you let this charmer slip through your fingers?
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She got away with it, too. The only victory I had was seeing the look on her face when she testified at my trial at had to answer for all her lies and baseless accusations. It’s true, perjury is never prosecuted and seems to actually be encouraged by prosecutors when witness testimony is their only evidence.
[IMG]http://i64.tinypic.com/1zwm3h5.jpg[/IMG]
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I wanted to provide what I think is some useful ammunition for those challenging protective order statutes. Although admittedly I used both of these documents in my Writ of Certiorari to the US Supreme Court and it was denied (which didn’t mean I lacked legal merit, it’s just that they may not have thought it was causing enough problems): (this first link simply downloads a PDF) http://www.saveservices.org/downloads/VAWA-Restraining-Orders.
and
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/liz-mandarano/the-worst-thing-a-woman-c_b_837636.html
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Hi Todd,
Thank you for collecting all of these situations of restraining order abuse. I do not have a restraining order issued against me nor do I have one in place against another. I’ve lived long enough to see that on occasion, a temporary cooling off time is needed in the heat of divorce as well as there are some valid restraining orders out there to keep people safe.
I am witness to a person whom has a restraining order in place and told by the accuser, if you pay me this amount or if you do this or that etc… I will drop it. I am angry that the system is so corrupt!
In New Jersey, restraining orders are life long orders. It’s so wrong! Is there a group in New Jersey that you know of that are fighting this – I want to get involved.
Thank you
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A New Jersey man I’ve been in correspondence with for several months has just been jailed (again). In (Camden) N.J., a person can be issued something called an “indefinite temporary restraining order.” It’s Through the Looking Glass stuff, and there’s no accountability. Crusading voices in the press are almost none. Cathy Young and Wendy McElroy are examples, but their efforts are exceptional. Russ Bleemer criticized the N.J. system over 20 years ago in a beautiful piece of investigative journalism. Nothing changes.
Here is the ACLU of N.J. explaining what it won’t take an interest in. There aren’t advocates to turn to.
Even among those abused by the system, there’s fracture. A fathers’ group will complain about false accusations on different kinds of injunctions. A “parents’ group,” in contrast, will only focus on abuses of child protection services.
What’s really horrifying, when you look at this stuff closely enough, is that “legitimate” cases of violent abuse could have been inspired by false allegations. People are driven to the edge by accusation who may be perfectly normal, perfectly sensitive, perfectly law-abiding citizens.
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The comment about these false allegations driving real violent crimes has crossed my mind many times. I saw a study on false allegations of sexual assault that found a pattern of personality disordered accusers targeting the classic “nice guy”. I couldn’t help but wonder if the ‘not so nice’ or ‘average guy’ is a lot more likely to retaliate at some point thereby appearing to confirm the initial accusations. In my case, I’ve had hundreds of pages of accusations filed with the court, several days of hearings, a pending criminal accusation(false allegation), and the clear motive being her desire to punish me for leaving her and get sole custody of our child. I talk with men about this, and a very common response from the eludes to physical retribution and even murder.
I’m well aware that there is no recourse and she can make accusations with impunity. I’ll continue to spend every penny fighting the false allegations and my daughter will continue to be abused by the mother that wants our daughter to reject me, too. I’ll continue to fight the legal fight and advocate for my daughter, advocate for changes to the laws, and protect my rights. I can see, though, why some people would simply say “If she wants to be a victim, then I’ll make her a f-ing victim!” Nothing good comes of it, but I don’t think it should be a surprise that some portion of those falsely accused would go off the rails.
Living under constant false allegations is torture, and if there’s no legal recourse, then some folks will go rouge. I’m working on advocacy for change instead, as you are. I don’t see any likelihood of it making much change, but even being able to help provide some direction for other people wrongly accused would be meaningful for me.
Thanks for all the information you’ve compiled.
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Just a shout out to those who publish on this nefarious trend of injunctions. All these sites helped me convince an appeals court to rule in my pro se favor.
http://www.2dca.org/opinions/Opinion_Pages/Opinion_Pages_2016/April/April%2029,%202016/2D15-3412.pdf
I have all the court proceedings documents and trial audio at dueprocessday.com.
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Congratulations, Randy. I just sent a copy of the ruling to my own lawyer.
I’ll link to your website in a sec.
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The site is great because it shows just how much waste is caused by these actions.
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Hello Todd:
This is a helpful and very well written web site. It is quite impressive in its scope and writing quality, and I am sure it must have helped many persons.
I saw that you had reviewed an article on my massoutrage.com web site, and those comments have prompted me to amend and improve it, as it was written many years ago. Thank you for the constructive criticism.
Would love to speak with you some time.
Gregory A. Hession J.D.
greg.hession@massoutrage.com
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Thank you. I’m a great fan of your work, Mr. Hession, and your efforts. I will email you very soon. I’m being prosecuted in two different venues right now by girlfriends who have manipulated people and the law for 10 years. And so far representing myself. I’m preparing a few motions for submission on Monday but will try to get in contact with you, not for the least of reasons that your input or a validation from you would be valuable to me.
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This blog is brilliant. It is a never-ending supply of support, and it should be REQUIRED READING for all legislators. The frustrating thing about reading / scrolling through a platform such as this is that is the overwhelming need to print this whole blog and slam it on the President of the United State’s desk. How do we expedite? There is SO MUCH genius here, as well as heartbreaking and truthful accounts of how this is destroying lives. How can real change happen?
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That’s really kind of you. You know, if you consider that journalist Cathy Young has been making cogent arguments against the process for decades (in major news outlets), you get the impression that it would take some kind of delegation to present arguments before state legislatures. As a man I was talking to last night remarked, the arguments get lost in the online skirmish between dogmatic feminists on the one side and dogmatic anti-feminists on the other. You’ve got people who espouse extremist views sniping one another, and (pained) voices of reason get drowned in the melee.
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Hi Todd,
I have been reading your blog and wanted to ask you if you think I should pursue this matter or just let it drop. I have an order of protection against me from my EX-HUSBAND. I appeared at the hearing and was basically cut-off every time I began to state my defense.
I have appealed the case.
This is the statement I plan to attempt to say at the appeal:
Your Honor,
There’s not a shred of truth to what my Ex-Husband has alleged to the court, being in FEAR from a text message containing only a photograph of a vanilla cream DIVORCE cake decorated by my Granddaughter Trinity and myself and presented to my Girlfriend Eileen on her Divorce Day.
There’s no truth to his allegations of FEAR at all; they’re all FALSE.
As of late all reason for communication and connection between the two of us has ended, as his alimony to me is paid in full, I believe my ex has fabricated the false claims of FEAR to the court because I now have nothing stopping me from re-opening a case with the Loudoun County Sheriff’s office charging him with Felony Grand Theft.
It’s a ploy, Your Honor, an attempt to instill FEAR in ME, to not proceed with this charge AS WELL AS to keep me silent and not expose him to his family with regard my grounds for divorce; his sexual addition, fetish cross-dressing and bisexual lifestyle.
My Ex-Husband has orchestrated this type of retaliation in the past, with another FALSE PROTECTIVE ORDER claim, only to have it dismissed by the courts.
What my EX-HUSBAND doesn’t tell you is that he is trained in Martial Arts Hapikito, and has studied /practiced it since 2006. My EX-HUSBAND also doesn’t tell you that he has bragged for years about his ability to utilize his Martial Arts training of quick kicks and pressure point maneuvers and has the ability to take down a MAN 3x his size and strength, by disarming and disabling him. He also does not mention that he has bragged for years that in many states his hands are so deadly that they have to be registered as LETHAL WEAPONS with the police.
What my EX-HUSBAND doesn’t tell you your Honor is that he works out at the gym EVERY day of the WEEK and RUNS 5k and 10k races regularly.
What he wants you to believe is that he is helpless and AFRAID of a PICTURE of a family friends Vanilla Cream DIVORCE CAKE – and furthermore afraid of his ex-wife, who is 17 years his senior, has had a hip replacement, and is about to undergo back surgery.
An EX-WIFE that has not phoned him, or layed eyes on him or has had ANY DESIRE to have contact with him since our divorce. An EX-WIFE who is happily engaged to be married to a decent man. This your Honor is what is the TRUTH. But THIS, your honor is not what my EX-HUSBAND wants you to know.
Thank you.
The cake was a bride and groom, the bride was standing upright, the groom was upside down in the cake. The bride was holding a knife. There was red frosting all about the cake. A sign on the cake read… “Wedding Dress for SALE, worn Once by Mistake”. and “FREE AT LAST”. and “CONGRATS EILEEN”, If you Google DIVORCE CAKES, and view the images, you can get a feel for what the cake looks like.
The female judge stated, “This cake is sick and would scare me to death”. Thus am immediate LOSS. Am I just going to face the same verdict?
He did this before, filing a protective order, claiming he moved out of our family home “IN FEAR FOR HIS LIFE”, . ….and lost this case because he had leased an apartment, scheduled turn-off of the utilities, filed a change of address with UPS and USPS all 7 days before the incident, (telling him to get out, I wished he were dead), that caused him the great FEAR that got me removed from the family home in the middle of the night, and having to file an emergency hearing to fight the case, subsequently winning.
Thanks in Advance.
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Hi, Londa. I think you should go for it. Bear in mind, though, that the appellate judge will be judging the trial judge (the gal who ruled against you). Typically the appellate judge won’t “retry” the facts, which are considered “decided.” So you need to frame your memorandum carefully so the judge will pay attention to what you have to say. You have to consider the “standard of review.”
(I’m not a lawyer, and this isn’t “legal advice,” per se. It’s what I would do if I were you.)
Your argument is that you were denied the opportunity to defend because the judge “cut [you] off every time [you] began to state [your] defense.” The appellate judge will want to hear how the trial judge’s conduct showed “clear abuse of discretion.” Remember that phrase.
A good idea would be to look at appellate cases in your state in which the defendant succeeded and a restraining order like yours was reversed. You could do a search using “abuse of discretion” and “[your state].” Find case law (decisions in appellate cases from your state) and quote it. This is an example from a motion I just filed to show you how this works:
You make a statement, and then you quote the case (from your state) that says the law backs your statement up.
So you might say, “Defendant was denied the opportunity to state a defense, because the trial judge repeatedly cut her off. The judge disregarded the requirements of the law.” Then you would quote the case law that says a judge can’t do this. Refer to yourself as “Defendant” or “Respondent,” and refer to your ex-husband as “Plaintiff” or “Petitioner.” (If this “case law” stuff is overwhelming to you, you’d probably be okay just stating your case that the judge denied you the opportunity to get a word in.)
Then I think you could present the arguments that you weren’t allowed to present in court. Perhaps you might say, “What Defendant tried to explain to the Court was that the accusatory instrument, a photograph of a ‘divorce cake,’ was falsely represented.” Then you might say, “The trial judge was prejudiced by a picture and accordingly assumed facts that were untrue.” Then quote the woman: “The judge said, ‘This cake is sick and would scare me to death.’” If you have a recording, quote anything else the judge said that sounds like she let her imagination and feelings cloud her judgment. (If you don’t have a recording, you might be able to get one from the court.) If you can quote how you were cut off, that might be useful, also. Use a dash (—) to end your statements where they were abruptly cut off.
You could explain what a “divorce cake” is and clarify that it was a gift for a newly divorced friend and had nothing to do with the petitioner of the injunction at all. It was dark humor meant to amuse and cheer a buddy on her “divorce day.”
The friend could write an affidavit (a statement to the court that’s signed by a notary), and your granddaughter could, too. These could be submitted with your brief: “See affidavits attached to this memorandum.”
A motion to continue could be filed requesting some more time from the court to prep and file your brief. You could also consider filing a motion for oral argument, which, if granted, would let you present your case before a judge in person. (If you do appear before a judge, consider limping a little or saying, “With the Court’s permission, I’ll remain standing, because I have a bad back.” Also consider having friends accompany you to court.)
After you establish in your memorandum that the judge was out of order, you could then say, “Plaintiff, a black belt in Korean martial arts, is not afraid of Defendant, who is 17 years older than he is, has a replaced hip, and is facing spinal surgery. Plaintiff’s prosecution of Defendant is motivated by [X, Y, Z].” Get the criticism of the judge in first, though.
“Wherefore, Defendant prays the Court will dismiss the order against her.”
Good luck, Londa.
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Harassment statutes have a “reasonable person” restriction. The judiciary should, too: “Judge ‘scared to death’ by frosting.”
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Thank you bro……I will do so tomorrow and see if I can get that to work. Maryland has a Commission of Judicial disabilities and one for attorneys who can barely speak our language. Balls to the wall or throw it in and let the password of the day girl get away with fraud, falsifying and being a blonde who thinks her fake tig bitties will take her far. At least with the cops. Thanks.
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Thank you. ……..
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Hey Todd I hope everything is going well on the West Coast. Here on the East Coast Things Are getting seriously out of hand. I wish I would have listened to you when you told me to cut the bait and real the line in and get the hell out of there. However , Bing the person that I am I was determined to not allow the individuals to get away with what they have put me through. No one I mean no one deserves to be lied to and have to go to court over something that they falsified do to them getting caught at whatever. Misery loves company. I caught them spying on my phone and it gave me the location of the person who was doing the spying and on my phone it has a device where it tracked it down and it was in Maryland. Pretty funny, my ex lives in Maryland and she is the one who put the restraining order on me for calling her and texting her for 3 weeks only because I wanted to see if she was pregnant and she lied to me about being clean so I got burnt. I had a conference call last week with a lawyer and my psychologist, after 4 months of researching and putting so much energy and time into this as well, reliving my past of my girlfriend who died on top of me I thought I was going to lose control. The attorney said that micase was not economical to them so they told me to contact a torque lawyer and go from there . Well after thinking about this and knowing that I follow protocol at work and when I found out who was hacking into my phone I text message my regional manager to tell him that it was in my best interest not to have any contact with you at this time. Well the next day, almost 4 months later finally the HR calls me. They wanted to know when I was coming back to work? I told the woman that, I have no clue because the damage that was occurred during my days at my place of employment. I then asked her, what was the reason my regional manager gave you for me being out of work. She told me that my RSD told HR I took a personal leave due to work-related stress. I began to laugh and told the HR woman that she had incorrect information and I tried to give my RSD my medical notes however he wouldn’t take them and that I was out for 8 medical reasons not a personal reason. Sh*t got crazy, I told her just a little information because I know human resources will act like they are your best friends but will stab you in the back. I told her I see the doctor and then my psychologist and I will get back to her. After seeing my doctor and psychologist I called her to file two claims. This woman basically beat around the bush and was saying, oh so you just want to add to what you told me already. I told her no that I want to file to claim . We must have argued for 10 minutes before I told her that I would fax what I have put together. Well I never faxed her anything, in fact I wrote a very professional letter to the vice president and the chief of legal the whatever you call the individual . Last night I started to put everything together about the Maryland restraining order case because I have been denied 3 times and my ex has violated our agreement and obviously Money Talks. So I have friends of the family who are Judges and they told me out to complain about a judge. Last night I only need it 1 document from November 2015 from my ex’s attorney. When I went in to get the document I couldn’t belive what I saw. Todd I know you have received things from lawyers and when they email you they always put it in a confidentiality notice where are the messages hidden when you go to print that’s why you can’t alter it or do whatever. I went in to get this document and every document I had has been tampered with and they all have new words and it’s so obvious that someone tampered with it because when a lawyer send you an e-mail it comes with that black bold confidentiality notice and their format is in a certain Style. When I printed all of the documents I realized that that big black bold confidentiality notice that lawyers send you the messages hidden was in a regular format. I noticed that they had entered words that I used for my outline of the harassment I have been through. I was told to put it in an outline and they each time something happens and basically they just want it the highlighted incidences. Now I can see that they posted over the original document. My question is the only way to get into that confidentiality notice and change some words is by asking the lawyer to do it. They have taken this to a whole nother level and so obvious that they committed fraud and tampered with legal documents and for the last 4 months I have done nothing but Lose Myself and now finding this out I am seriously losing control I have no clue what lawyers to talk to because they say my life isn’t worth anything and won’t take my case because of economical reasons. This is retaliation and I just wanted to post this Todd. This has been my life for the last 4-5 months. I am clueless on who to talk to. What type of lawyer to talk to or do I just forget about this and just let them win. ????????? Parkers34
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Todd, how do I contact you? I suspect e-mail is probably best. I posted to your blog/forum in the Spring of 2014, when my own children were led, by their Mother, so far as I can tell, to falsely accuse me and pursue a temp protective order…this order was ultimately dismissed several months later, however I have taken an interest in your work here, as well as your plight, and would like to speak with you more privately if that is acceptable to you. Your caution with virtually ANY contact with strangers is certainly understandable, and I will wait patiently for any response, and answer any questions you may have. Best Wishes, from a fellow-sufferer.
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Hey Todd, parkers 33!!!! I wish I didn’t have a thick head and listened to you when you said, “cut the line and throw the bait away.” I found out 3-4 weeks ago that, my employer lied to HR, denied my medical notes and told HR I was out of work due to a personal issue (work stress). This came after finding out that my Ex, who has the PFA on me, hacked my phone and I was able to screen shot the city of the device who has hacked me. Maryland. I had a conference call last week with therapist and attorney. They decided it was an economical discussion not to take my case. Months of researching, time and energy just to be told this. Well, yesterday I had to fax the VP/Chief something, let’s just say a big wig. I tried twice already just to be rejected to file a claim and my RSD is in on this nightmare. I filed 3 motions to MD to rescind my motion because my ex violated and ignored our agreement. Denied each time. Being pissed, because money talks, I found the Judicial Commission for filling complaints against a Judge and now Attorney. I emailed her lawyer numerous times in November and saved everything. I went to get this one email last night and noticed that, when an attorney sends an email it’s in a hidden Form and you can’t print it. Every document I have saved has been tampered with and made to make me look bad. I can prove this, because the Confidentiality notice is always in bold writing. These were made and placed over top the original document. Ummmmm….that’s fraud to a legal document. It seems like they retaliated for me faxing the VP. Seriously. …am I dreaming. I have no clue what to do. My family wants me to just let it go. Lmaoff…..after everything they put me through. ??????
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Avoid the word “hacking.” It’s what crazy people say. If your ex has your voicemail passcode, say that…and change the code. Regarding emails, you can use the print command and then save an email as a PDF (which can be printed, emailed, etc.). If nothing works when you use the print command, then frame the text of the email in your browser and press the [PRTSC] button on the top upper right part of your keyboard. Then open a paint program and paste and save. This is a “screen shot” of the email. You can also use the “Snipping Tool” in your Accessories folder. Short of getting material evidence to support your claims, you’ll only come off sounding nuts. Take a breath, and don’t act frantically. Court time is glacial. Do what you want to do once and right.
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Thanks. I’ll try to email.
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OK I am a newbie here but in dire need of help n legal advice….I live in NJ n giving you a very brief concise version of a very long sad tragic story if I do say so myself. . . not looking for any self pity however just a well planned out course of action to fight back any way I can because I have had it with the lies and purgery that brought me to this point leaving me homeless,
financially ruined, emotionally traumatized, orphaned by family, my name and reputation forever scarred and blemished, and left for dead on the street over well money OFCOURSE. .
. I am a 46 year old woman going through a tumoulous divorce to say the least, pretty cliche really, husband meets younger, newer model at work and turns in older model for updated version. . . older model gets discontinued . . .n abandoned. . . goes home to take refuge n live with her mother. . . a safe refuge or so she thought. . . and she thought her cheating, lying, adultry committing husband was the enemy. . .haha. In retrospect. . .the rest of the story reads more like fiction. . . so MOMMY dearest tries to help her only daughter. . . hires her a lawyer and tries to help her go after the dead beat husband. . .the court awards her over 6 grand a month alimony but husband doesn’t pay. . .his new girlfriend is pregnant and he is setting up house and doesn’t have time to even show up in court or respond to divorce attornoies. All attempts to collect any money go unanswered. . . he gets violated over n over. . .its actually a joke. A court order is almost as worthless as the paper its typed on. Doesnt hurt to mention that I have a neurological disorder called cluster headaches, AKA, suicide headaches, don’t let the headache part fool you- its a debilitating and disabilitating diagnosis that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy- except maybe one now. . .I can’t drive, most days I don’t or can’t even leave the couch if a cluster hits, n no noone, not even my neurologist knows what the triggers are or the cause noless how to really treat them. . .each month we just try a different cocktail of drugs used for other diagnosis to see what helps n what doesn’t help. . . so as you can probably tell, my life is pretty much worthless. . . after my husband wasn’t paying n my mother spent over 30 grand in lawyers n he wasn’t even showing up in court, she stopped financing my legal efforts n told me to apply for state assistance n disability which I did. But because I never worked n my husband made so much money for over the 14 years we were together, I wasn’t eligable for disability. . .I only could receive minimal state help. I think my mother started to see me more n more as a financial hardship as the months passed. . .but no daughter could ever b prepared for the lies, betrayal and purgery that happened last July especially knowing that my mother knew how sick I was. My mother went to her shore home, an hour and a half away from where we resided together for the holiday, July 4th weekend. I stayed home up north alone. At the current time, I was in a fight with my best friend and cousin which is a superfluous story but relevant as she kept calling the police and filing false complaints against me that needless to say could never b proven. . . calling anymously in regards to my dogs barking. . . filing reports that I was stalking her. . I don’t drive. . etc. Etc. So I was used to her vindictive games n the police show up at my home AGAIN on July 2nd informing me of another bogus charge. . .and as always . . I elucidate the situation. . . but this time I called her n left a message on her cell phone. . . not threatening. . . but reiterating I’m tired of her games n God help her that if something happens to me due to my condition she will b sorry. . . n I was very overty upset. I had enough. . . with everyone by this point. I broke down in tears n hung up the phone. . . the door bell rings again . . now what. . .the cops again. . . u have to b kidding me. . I was very careful NOT to threaten her. . not to say anything that can b used against me as I know how vengeanful she is. . but she pulled a 360 on me. . she called the police in hysterics crying. . .stating that she was worried about me taking my own life. . n given my diagnosis that I’m very sick n alone n upset n she is extremely worried n concerned. . . .wow. Now let me say I have a master’s in counseling psychology. Was going for my doctorates in applied psychology before I got married to my first husband who really did commit suicide after I divorced him. . . she is fully aware I WOULD NEVER COMMIT SUICIDE. But as required by the state, the police n crisis must pursue all notifications seriously n investigate each seriously. . . OK no problem. I know the drill. . . n here is where in retrospect I like to call the perfect storm is formed. The police ask me if I would like to have a crisis team come out to my home or just go to the ER n talk to someone. . .I look around my house n its a mess. . . I’m actually embarssed to have a crisis team come in my home as I haven’t felt good in days n haven’t even ran the dishwasher. . . I say let me go get dressed n I’ll just go down to ER with you n straighten this out. . . now if I could just go back in time. . .that’s where I would go. . . now if I were really suicidal. . .would the two police officers allow me to go upstairs for approx. 20 minutes, change, wash my face, throw some lipstick on while they hung in my kitchen playing with my 3 dogs? I think not. . . but that’s not my dispute. . . when I left my house that night. . . n my 3 dogs. . little did I know that was the last time I would ever see my home or any of my belongings EVER AGAIN. EVER. NO CLOTHES. NO COMPUTER. NO JEWLERY. NO COATS. NO CELL PHONES. NO FILES. NOTHING. EVER..EVER. NEVER SAW THIS COMING. . .did I mention I haven’t spoken to my mother in days n she is an hour and a half away at her shore home with her son from a different first marriage that I haven’t even spoken to in over a decade?? OK well I’m in the ER chilling out waiting to illuminate some idiot counselor this is all an erroneous mistake, LAUGHABLE really, when I hear, the nurses station keep repeating my mother’s son last name. . . I think I’m hearing things. . . a coincidence. . . now mind you I have three dogs who r the love of my life literally waiting for me at home. . . so I have to get home. Now I know I’m not hearing things. . . so I start listening more attentively. . . what I’m gods name could he want n why is he calling here?? Well my pulse starts to race. My heart accelerates. I can feel panic set in. . . I adamently request to speak to someone immediately. . . now I’m actually playing right into their hands. . . my completely calm, composed, almost joking demeanor transformed into one of pure panic, rage, anger, betrayal, and deceit. I hadn’t spoken to my mother’s son in over a decade n there was good reason for it. The house that my mother and I were living in was my deceased father’s home. He was not welcome there nor did he come there EVER. . . HOWEVER my mother’s shore home was her mother’s. . . I never went there as never to see him. So there I am listening to the nurses say his name over n over while he continues to literally harass the nurses station, all from the front porch of my mother’s Beach house. What I couldn’t figure out is why?? Well that came quick enough. . . apparently when my mother was notified I was taken to the ER, a very well planned eviction was conspired. . . in retrospect it was brilliant n worked like a charm. They destroyed me. Left me for dead. Stole everything I had. Ruined my name. My credit. Like my husband didn’t do enough damage. . . they went after my dogs. . . my heart. I mean it doesn’t surprise her son wanting to do this, my mother is worth a fortune. But what rips my heart wide open n wakes me up night after night in sweats is my 76 year old mother purgered herself to a judge to ascertain a TRO. MY MOTHER WHO WENT TO CHURCH EVERYDAY. BROUGHT ME HOLY WATER TO PUT ON MY HEAD TO HELP WITH THE PAIN. MY MOTHER LIED. N LIED AGAIN. SAID SHE FEARED ME. THAT I STATED I WAS GOING TO COME DOWN THE SHORE N PHYSICALLY HARM HER. . . R U KIDDING ME?? NEVER SPOKE TO HER. NEVER HAPPENED. So how this unfolded was they called the police n sent them to the ER to get my keys to have my dogs removed from my home knowing that would flip me out. . . n it worked. I went literally ballistic. They went for my heart n set me up. . . n I was forced when the police arrived to the ER to hand over my keys. . . I told the police I already called my neurologist and was going to have a dog sitter remove the dogs from the home and watch them for me and my doctor could verify this. . . but since my mother was the official owner of the home, she apparently stated she wanted them out now n brought to the pound. . . well needless to say Dr. Jecklyy was now released. . . and they thought it would b best if I stayed there for a couple days. . . I tried to explain I was being set up n I needed to get out to save my dogs but I guess I sounded like a paranoid delusional bipolar. . . but it was the truth. . .you can’t fabricate this . . .so I’m there for like 2 days n they wake me up one night n say come with me. . .n there r these sheriff’s officers serving me with a TRO while I’m in the hospital. . . all lies. . . stating I threatened my mother. Never happened. Saying I had a history of mental illness. . . never diagnosed with anything other than cluster headaches. . . etc etc. . .I’m now in complete n utter devastated shock. . . WTF…R U KIDDING ME?? Gets a thousand times worse. I get out n go to the police department to try to get back into my house to get some things. . .my mother won’t call the police back. . . ever. On 3 seperste occasions. I’m sitting there for 3 hours waiting. She just doesn’t respond. I have nothing but the clothes I walked out in. I finally go back to file a complaint n I get arrested for a warrant that doesn’t even exist. . . a computer mix up apparently. . . detained. . .for hours. Handcuffed to a chair. Fingerprinted. . . pictured. . . and told I was going to jail n given a ticket for driving when I wasn’t even driving. . . I just walked into the police department. My friend was driving. Needless to say after hours, they had to let me go cuz no warrent existed but I still didn’t get back into my home or file a complaint. Now it gets so much worse. . . my mother hires a bull dog attorney. . . a colleague that went to college with her son. . .as unethical and deceitful as my family. . . here is where the tragedy lies. The TRO would of been 100% dismissed, they possessed no proof whatsoever. …, the day of the court, I’m homeless, no money, on the street, n sick. . . I call the court clerk first thing in the morning and beg for an adjournment. . . she states if you don’t have a doctors note faxed here within an hour, then there is nothing I can do. . . I tried to page my doctor. . . but to b candid my doctor doesn’t take insurance. . . n now I was broke, I wasn’t a huge priority anymore as I couldn’t afford his usual $275.00 hourly fee. . . he didn’t even get back to me until noon. The FRO was granted by default as I couldn’t get there. The judge granted me 90 days to get my things. . . they sold the house within 60 n moved all my things to Newark NJ to one of my mother’s rental unit basements. . . I contacted the court. Asked the restraining to b modified. . . a court mediator contacted me that was worthless. . . never returned my calls.
. I asked their lawyer if I could bring movers to get an estimate. . . she said it was up to the courts. . after weeks of not returning my calls. . . the mediator finally calls me back n says . . .it was never up to us. . . it was always up to them. . .now we r out, but they sent me a motion to vacate the restraining order. . .but I have no idea how to even begin to fill it out. No one will help me cuz I’m the defendant technically. . . even thought my rights have been violated up, down n sideways. They will not give me access to any of my belongings becuz they know I will hire an attorney n go after them one by one. . . this is insane. They destroyed me. . . n I didn’t even have much. My belongings were all I had left. . . I had a gem collection worth a small fortune. . . all my clothes. . . all I have to date is a pair of shorts, flip flops, a tee shirt n a baseball cap. . . n noone n I mean noone will help me. . .n they keep accusing me of things. . .vandalism. . phone calls. . .they can’t prove it. . but they won’t stop. . . none of my entire family will now talk to me. I now wear a Scarlett letter. . . forever ostracized. . . I can’t afford a lawyer. Legal services won’t help. . . I have nothing. Nothing. Not even my name left. How can people do this? This is my own mother?? My own mother??? N I here I sit penniless. Credit ruined. . . no bed. No clothes. No coat. No boots. Nothing. N I will not go to a shelter cuz they tried to have my dogs euthanized by signing them over to the state, so when I got out of the hospital, I had one credit card left before they deactivated them all, illegal in itself, n I took a taxi, went to the shelter n they charged me almost 3 grand to get my 3 dogs out even though I only got a receipt for 350.00, another scam probably. I had to take a cash advance. Wouldn’t take credit or check. . . I’m not an idiot. I just didn’t care. They weren’t taking my dogs too. . . so right now I have nothing. . . believe it or not some person i met in the hospital is letting me crash on her couch.
. I have nothing. . .I don’t know how to fight them. . .they stole my dad’s home. All my things. My name. N I’m petrified they really won’t stop until I’m 6 feet under. . . I just want my things back. . . can anyone help me?? My family r criminals. . . n I need help to prove it. . . before I die here. . .
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Where are the dogs?
What’s your mother’s motive?
In whatever you do going forward, reduce everything into santized bullet points. So, for example, “So-and-so says Defendant has a history of mental illness. Defendant has never been treated for mental illness.” Period.
You’re dealing with processes whose administrators are robots. So you have to communicate with them like you’re one, too.
I worked for a few hours drafting a motion to the court last week. Monday, I drove across town. I parked at a meter. I walked three blocks. I went through a metal detector. I waited in line. I went to a window. I was sent to the prosecutor’s office. It sent me downstairs to the fourth floor. I submitted my motion. I waited. Today in the mail I got an answer. The judge tore off or copied the front page of the motion and scribbled a response to it in the upper right-hand corner with a felt-tip marker and sent it back to me. His answer was nonsensical. Maybe he read the motion; maybe he didn’t.
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When you’re first going through this madness, you qualify everything. THERE’S THIS…AND THERE’S THIS…AND WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS IS….
The court doesn’t care, and civil servants, in general, follow process. Even if they sympathize with what you’re saying, they will tell you, “Sorry, ma’am, I have to follow procedure.”
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Thank you. I am here to research what I can, and can’t post, about the lying petitioner, et al. Several attnys have already mentioned to me there would be First Amendment issues, but cautions to not pursue blogging my own truth for fear that i might get cited for violating the terms of the fraudulent RO. This page has given more insight than any local attny who wants to charge you $$$ to simply inform you of your First Amendment rights.
What I am interested in posting are the official transcripts, and the evidence that I was barred from submitting at time of hearing. the evidence, in comparison to the transcript, shows the Petitioner lied under oath. I asked the court to define their rules in terms of am I allowed to post a blog about my own case, or not? the judge said i would have to seek counsel for that answer.
I hope to hear what you think soon.
Thanks again.
Mo
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The Constitution is on your side, Mo, but neither a police officer nor a trial judge is a First Amendment expert. This is what you face:
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2016/01/07/accused-again-on-the-morass-of-legal-abuse-arraignment-date-january-19th/
If you follow the hyperlinks about Profs. Volokh and Caplan, you’ll get a quick education. Matthew Chan (Defiantly.net) writes about the crossroads of constitutional law and civil harassment law. He had a “prior restraint” lifted against him in 2015, but he had to appeal the case to the Georgia Supreme Court.
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I’m running a fever, and I can’t remember what I may have mentioned before, Mo, but basically you can’t attack false allegations in a procedure collateral to the one in which they were introduced. What that means is if this person lied about you in a hearing about a protection order, the only way to have the court recognize the allegations as “false” was during that hearing. So you may of course show contradictory claims and call them lies, but if you want to protect yourself, I guess you might refrain from calling them “perjury.” Instead you could structure it this way: (1) person alleged X-Y-Z; (2) statements X-Y-Z are self-contradictory; (3) X-Y-Z are “material,” because they influenced the judge’s decision in the case; (3) under my state’s law, self-contradictory statements about material issues given under oath represent criminal perjury.
You’ve just made the connection “heuristic” instead of explicit. In other words, you “didn’t say it.”
Matthew Chan, a frequent commenter here, has every one of his legal documents published online as a PDF. These are public documents.
Here’s my own case:
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2016/01/07/accused-again-on-the-morass-of-legal-abuse-arraignment-date-january-19th/.
Okay, so the women in this story aren’t afraid and never were. The one who recently claimed “fear” told me three years ago she was my “avid fan,” and the woman who accused me years before that wasn’t just a fan, she was outside of my house at night in the dark (minus her wedding band).
Here’s the short of it: You can of course legally cite or post public documents. Whether it’s legal or not, though, you still face accusation from the person who started all of this (who can allege harassment, in a 5-minute ex parte hearing, based on anything, on nothing, or on more lies). So understand that there’s no such thing as “You can do this”; there’s only you-can-do-this if a police officer, prosecutor, and/or judge doesn’t interpret the law to mean that you can’t.
If you want a good source for case law about digital publication, see the Digital Media Law Project. You can find case law citations for your state. This concerns “defamation,” however. The access point for most false accusers is “harassment,” because that’s the basic implication of quickie restraining order rulings that don’t require proof of anything (and are therefore perfectly suited to fraudsters).
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Hey Todd, I want to thank you and everyone for having the courage to share their experience. I am going through a nightmare and do to I guess my ex, I have been out of work because my Boss has been harassing me making up falsified accusations, my ex supposedly called my employer because of his reaction to something( which he just laughed), my boss gave her those false accusations to use in court which is like the Hippa Law, and because he needed to get me to confess to showing a customer a txt msg about a write-up to save his own ass( which I never did) he harassed the hell out of me until I finally had a Breakdown at work. I went to my psychiatrist and he removed me from work because of dealing wit a very Traumatic Occurrence years ago and now because of Jealousy, being Harassed and dealing with a girl who after hours and hours of research, I just found out through this blog about Histrionic personality disorders. I never knew we broke up I just received that loud knock at 10pm saying you have been served. It said I was excessively txtn, calling her office, and if she doesn’t call I am going to drive from Philadelphia to Maryland. At Court , which was odd cause it was a week later, she had an attorney. The attorney talked to me and asked if I was willing to just stay away from her. I told him that I haven’t spoke to her in 3 weeks. I tried txtn, I tried calling because we where intimate plus I found a Prescription bottle for a medicine that didn’t make me happy. Before we even where intimate I asked if she had a condom or ay disease’s. Of course no and no. She was very aggressive and our whole relationship basically was what it says about this type of personality. I have worked in the Behavioral Field in Fl before moving back home, I knew she had issue’s and supposedly got her to get help. Anyway, I agreed because I could careless, but I said its Friday and she called my employer who is Harassing the hell out of me. I will agree if she just writes what is on the Legal Papers ( which would have taken 2 mins. ) on a letter head and you notarize it. He went to her to tell her and she said fine. When we got called to go n Font of the Judge, her attorney asked to approach the bench to tell the judge about our agreement and the Judge said I had to come up as well. We told the judge about the agreement and I made sure she knew I needed a copy by email before Monday 10am. Everything was fine I thought. It took 2 weeks after numerous emails and phone calls to her attorney to get the letter. When I got the letter it was totally revised and obvious that my Boss contacted her and I guess asked her to add several specific things and also that he was willing to testify in court now! What a joke. I denied the letter plus the attorney wanted me to write a letter saying I wouldn’t come after her for anything including possibly giving me an STD. I wrote a copy just for him to email me back what it needed to say, which I never did. I have been out of work for 2 months, not fired though. Dealing with workman’s comp and EEOC. Filed to Rescind the order, but since I am so F-ed up in the head I am know seeing my psychiatrist and psychologist once a week paying out of pocket. I forgot to write why I wanted to rescind the order, so am know doing that. Reading about this personality trait, that is her to the “T” I have know idea how to prove this except dates and what happened. Plus it says if she contacts my employer cause my Boss laughed and it emplaned my ability to perform my job, I could take her ass to the bank. I know that both my Boss and her are covering for each other, just like my Boss and the Regional Director. Makes you want to check yourself into some Lunny Bin. Anyway maybe you have some advice, maybe not either way Happy New Year. Owe yeah, she also told me she was 38 HaHa found out she is 45. She makes a lot of money, family hates her, excessive to criticism, rapidly shifting moods. I wonder if I was even her boyfriend. lol
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If you can wrest free of any tie to this person, Kevin, including a “civil agreement,” do. Cut bait and pack it in. The kind of person you’re talking about dwells (she’s probably somewhere on the borderline/narcissist part of the spectrum). You may think something is done, but you can’t have reasonable expectations of a person like this. She has to dominate, and people like her have incredible “blame” drives. If she’s got the employer on her side, this is going to fire her up. People like this get into the game, and they don’t play to “compromise.”
I don’t know enough to suggest a way to get this undone except maybe basic “breach of contract.” If you have an order of the court that stipulates certain conditions were supposed to be met, and they weren’t met, then it sounds like she’s in contempt of court. These procedures are so half-assed that there’s no saying how a judge would rule, and I’m just spit-balling, but I would imagine that, yes, you could file a motion to have the order/agreement dismissed (“rescinded”) based on the noncompliance of the petitioner: “Plaintiff agreed to [X,Y,Z]. Plaintiff failed to comply.”
The court understands that if you strike a bargain and you don’t hold up your end, then you’re in default.
I can tell you that sympathy to PTSD from the court is minimal unless it’s well-documented. I don’t know whether mentioning that would help or harm you. Your explanation is too sketchy to really get a clear sense of the matter, but you could look up how PTSD as a defense and as grounds for a complaint work in your state (focus on your state).
I mean, saying you’re in mental distress could work against you (make you seem unstable or whatever).
Seriously, if you can just back out of this, do. It’s in the nature of people like this woman to escalate: You make this claim; she has to make some counterclaim. A narcissist isn’t going to go nuts, necessarily, with false accusations, though she will exploit any power the court grants her (and poison others against you). Narcissists are social manipulators and power-trippers. A borderline will accuse you to the FBI, the Better Business Bureau, PETA…whatever. They’re called borderline because they have no center of gravity. What was blue yesterday is red today. They’re not crazy crazy, but they are crazy.
If this is a successful career woman who was supremely confident, sexually aggressive, alluring, controlling, that kind of thing, she’s probably in the “narcissist zone.” These personality labels are just based on “trait clusters” (exhibited behaviors). They’re just “approximations.” A person can be a little of this, a little of that—or diagnosed with multiple disorders or defined as a “subclinical” this or that.
Your basic diagnosis, though, is probably right.
Sounds like you’d be well rid of the employer, too.
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Thanks Todd,, after finding this blog and researching for hours, I came across Amorous Naraccism. This is her to the T. I also found out that my Facebook wasn’t deactivated, it was disabled due to someone Hacking into it. Basically, one moment she is wanting me to relocate followed by crazy sex, then the next minute I thought I was surprising her, she flipped out for the 2nd time always very exaggerated lies. She was the only person I told about my Manager Harassing me. When I had that breakdown, rite before he just was trying to get me to confess that I showed a Txt msg to a customer, cause my ex wouldn’t cover his ass. Giving out information, especially falsified to someone is basically like the hippa law. He knows that I have his ass, and finding out my Facebook was hacked ,my manager being a computer geek, the agreement at court was a basic letter from the original serving papers of what he said. The hearing was on a Friday, so I said as long as you put what is on the serving papers on a letter and notarized sent by the following Monday morning I will agree. I worked in the mental field in FL and her drinking taking Xanax every night was crazy. So yes I agreed with the agreement just to get away from her. Where I am stuck is she lied obviously cause she was in no harm. It was then a day calls. When I finally received the letter 2 weeks later, because of the harassment emotional distress my psych. removed me from my hostile work environment. It’s so obvious the reason she didn’t comply was the final letter and the serving papers, the Statement from my boss, we’re drastically changed. Plus now it says my boss is willing to testify in court. I guess I am asking, is there away if I file to rescind , I sent a letter to the judge about this also, but how can I prove the reason it took 2 weeks was she had contact somehow which is why a letter that was only to have what he said on original papers ended up being this revised letter covering his butt. I denied the letter. I just want to hammer her, she gave me an std. She is from Md. I am from Pa. I read about suing because her phone called empiled my ability because of lies on both ends. I am in counseling because of all of this. When asked why she called my work, she said because he laughed at her. Now my life is ruined. My employer hasn’t even asked or called. It’s says they can fire me for having a PFA. I know those two are working together so I don’t sue. I am dealing with the E.E.O.C. have proof but in MD lying giving someone std after asking and isn’t a PFA for if you feel threatened? Sorry for sounding sketchy. I can’t work because of her calling my work, and due to the Manager trying to ruin my reputation, this was perfect for him to save his ass for going against company policy and giving out info. Thanks just want justice
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My former employer has hit me with a Civil Protection Order. Although he has done several things to intimidate me–even sending a police officer from his affluent neighborhood to my home–he is feigning a fear of me. The evidence submitted for the the CPO is LOL-worthy.
I am in the process of getting an attorney, but in the meantime I have two questions:
1.) Although he isn’t fearful enough to include his family members in the CPO, he did include all employees at his business. Is that allowed in the State of Ohio?
2.) If the Judge finds it to be as unmerited as he should, can I ask the Judge to have the Petitioner pay my legal fees? Again, this is in the State of Ohio.
Thank you, in advance, for any answer.
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No, a person can’t ask a judge to protect him, all of his friends, the patrons of McDonald’s, and all Hispanic-Americans between the ages of 23 and 38. Kids can be included on orders and adults who aren’t capable of representing themselves (because of mental or physical debility), but that’s it. The other employees would have to petition orders of their own.
Yes, you could move the court to order that the petitioner pay your legal fees if his petition is deemed silly or fraudulent.
This is good advice and should apply to your case even though the speaker is in California:
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2015/09/29/theres-no-justice-system-theres-just-a-system-a-california-paralegals-advice-on-defending-yourself-against-a-restraining-order-based-on-fraud/
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I’m not sure if I’m replying to the right comment here…I’m on my phone and can’t quite see the big picture when typing this way. I’m talking to the woman whose husband filed a restraining order recently that she hopes he will just drop. I’m so sorry about the situation you’re in. This is serious. In most states, you do have to appear in court on the date of the hearing. Your husband can appear at the hearing and say he doesn’t want to pursue the restraining order, and the judge can dismiss it, but in most states, it remains in the court files forever. The public can access it, and it can show up on any background check, WHETHER IT WAS GRANTED OR NOT, forever. In most states, it cannot be expunged because it’s not considered a “criminal record.” I’ve consulted with numerous experienced attorneys, none of whom could figure out a way to remove it from public record. And I repeat, this is even when the order ISN’T GRANTED; God help you if it’s actually granted. For your sake, I hope your state is an anomaly. Either way, you really need a lawyer. Your husband has created lifelong ramifications for you by using this method to sort out what sounds like should have been a family matter. All my luck to you with this.
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Dear Anon,
Thank you for taking time to respond to me. I appreciate your input on my situation very much. I have some new things to add in my issue. It turned it that it was not an RO but a temporary order of protection. Secondly, I checked in a psychiatric evaluation to take even more professional help to shoot this whole thing down. I could not go to court, and my psychiatrist at the hospital sent the note to the judge explaining I cant come. My husband went with an attorney, and now the judge postponed the hearing AND passed an order that I should not be in the same home as my husband and son, have only supervised visitation rights at my husband’s discretion in addition to extending the TPO for another 6 months!!!
I do not understand what has happened. My husband led me to believe that since I am taking help, he will go soft on me. He says that this was not his request but the judge has ordered it!!!! I simply cant understand. I spoke with CPS, psychiatrists and social workers who gave me a good feedback on the progress and improvement I made healthwise. Is there any way for us to still get this whole mess out of court and settle it outside as adults? My husband is still paranoid and unwilling to withdraw the petition till I am “completely mentally normal” so I dont “traumatize” my child. I have dont no such thing. I feel my husband is upto mischief. Is there any recourse for me? I should have gone to court and refuted and asked for psychiatric eval of my husband! I am so regretful, and my doctor who was treating me was also surprised with this judgement especially since I voluntarily took help and showed improvement. Anybody help me. I want my husband to just withdraw this petition and my life to go back to normalcy so I and all of us can recover from the shock of it all.
Thanks,
Pumpkin
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There’s a misconception that prevails in the minds of petitioners that the court awards them an order than they can use according to their discretion. The court acts on behalf of the state.
Once an allegation is entered, discretion is entirely the state’s—though the petitioner of a civil injunction (generically called a “restraining order,” but specifically called any number of things: protection order, protection from abuse order, no-contact order, etc.) can move the court to dismiss the order while it’s in effect. To “move” the court or to “file a motion” to the court is to ask it to do something. Whether to grant the dismissal is entirely up to the judge. Once a formal accusation is made, it’s in the hands of the court. Petitioners have no more rights than defendants do (i.e., your husband has nothing to say about it; if he “changes his mind,” all he can do is nicely ask the court to annul its decision).
That’s the consequence of involving the state in an interpersonal conflict and making taxpayers foot the bill: You give up your freedom. Also, everything becomes public. Your name is already in a statewide police database so that if your husband complains you’ve violated the court’s order, a cop can see there’s an order in place and determine whether to arrest you, which s/he can do without a warrant…according to his or her discretion. If you’re charged, again, your husband has nothing to say about it. It’s out of his hands and in the hands of the district prosecutor and the judge. He can cry, beg, whatever. It doesn’t matter. You will be prosecuted.
So (1) you are legally restricted from entering your home and (probably) from contacting your spouse, (2) your husband may believe he possesses the power to “allow” you, according to his wishes, to bend these restrictions, but that belief is false (he or anyone else could inform on you—at the time or at a later time—and you could be held in contempt of court, which could land you in jail); (3) the court can, at its discretion, grant a request from the plaintiff (your husband) to dismiss/vacate the order while it’s in effect.
If you’ve been granted a postponement, you should still be entitled to defend yourself, though the deck is always stacked against the defendant. A “TPO” means “temporary,” and it’s called that because the order is based on a preliminary ex parte judgment. Ex parte means the court entered a ruling without hearing from the defending party (you). If you successfully persuaded a judge in court that the order lacked merit, it would be “quashed” (vacated, that is, or nullified—though that doesn’t necessarily mean it would be “vaporized” from the public record).
There’s no way for you to legally settle things out of court “as adults” as long as there’s an order of the court in effect that prohibits you from talking with your spouse. Any act in violation of that order is a criminal act. To lawfully do what you want to do, you must prevail in court in your hearing, or your husband must voluntarily withdraw the order he petitioned. To meet with him or talk with him while an order is in effect is to risk arrest and criminal prosecution. Even having a lawyer contact him to negotiate for you could be a violation of the court’s order.
The only way to have a court record vacated and expunged/set aside, if a judge rules against you, is with the prosecuting witness’s cooperation. Either s/he must (1) file a motion to dismiss/vacate while the order is in effect, or (2) file a nunc pro tunc motion after the order has expired. (Nunc pro tunc is Latin and means “now for then.” It’s sort of a legal “reset.”) The only way a defendant can have an order dismissed on his or her own is if s/he prevails in his or her hearing. That’s it. (An appeal could be filed, but winning grounds are very few. Appellate judges don’t “retry” cases; orders are only overturned if it can be shown the trial judge clearly crossed a line.)
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Hi Todd,
My husband filed a restraint order on me for abuse, harassment and threatening him and out two yr old kid. I have been going through a lot of personal news with depression, grief over loss of a parent, and physical stress of a disease that is debilitating. I’ve had rough days when I have not been in control of my mood and said some bad things and we had our tiffs just like any other couple. Since I am suffering as I mentioned above, I was frustrated with my all round pain and wished I could just die (not meaning it, but the pain was unbearable). My husband filed a restraint order that I was threatening my life and indirectly implying that my son will be affected!!??
Now we have a great marriage, not withstanding my depression and other bad mess. We always resolved our couples problems without blabbing too any family or friends. I’m really shocked and numb with the restraint order. his statement is very cherry picked. I know the judge will not give this any serious next step because I’m already taking professional help for my problems! I still don’t want this in my public record. If he withdraws it will it be still be in public record? For no real reason my life and career will be ruined. I just want to not in be in any kind of public record. Is it already to late? I’ve only been served the notice and not yet appeared in the court. I’m very nervous… Please help me
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It’s possible the order could be “dismissed” or “vacated” but that there still exist a record of the whole thing (or multiple records). You’d want to ask that the case be “expunged” or “set aside.” For you to do this, the petitioner must first to move the court to dismiss the order. A criminal or family attorney might be able to tell you the simplest way to do what you want to do.
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Thanks for your quick reply! I’m not clear whether the order to dismiss or expunge needs a me to appear in court? I admit I’ve had rough days and he says he took this order as an insurance against my possible going to police. As a man he knows that the deck is stacked against him and if it comes to his word against mine, we both know whose word will have more weight. In anger I have made empty threats to involve police but even in my most angry time I never followed through.
In any marriage, there is always a malicious way to spin a minor thing said our done in anger. I know he is not spiteful but just very scared. He wants me to promise in front of the judge that I will not harass or abuse him. I’m willing to admit that to him but not under the stern gaze of law. He says that’s all it takes and we will back to normal. I am suspicious that it is not such a sweet ending once you step into the court. I’m outraged at his statement which is lopsided. If I file my rebuttal, he has done mess that can be called harassment and abuse too. We have a child and a happy family and I don’t want to destroy it by escalating nor do I want to agree to all he wrote just to move on. I’m torn.
Sorry my reply is long. I want to minimize the damage he has started without exposing either of us more.
Thank you again for your help! I really don’t have anyone else to turn to.
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Hi Pumpkin. I’d like to chime in on this discussion regarding the restraining order remaining accessible in public court records and expungements. I have professional experience with expungements/plea reductions, factual innocence motions and petitions to seal records, so I hope the info below helps.
First off, Todd offers good insight and I too would recommend you discuss this matter in further detail with an attorney. I’m from California so the laws here most likely differ in one way or another from other states when it comes to domestic violence, restraining orders and expungements.
The tricky thing about domestic violence restraining orders is the proceedings take place in family law courts (rather than civil or criminal). Generally (in CA), expungements involve the removal/dismissal of a conviction. In order to have a conviction on record, there had to have been charges filed by the district attorney. Prior to having charges filed, there must be a detention and/or arrest. So unless you’ve actually been arrested for violating the RO, there is technically nothing to expunge. Unfair right? Believe me, it’s frustrating. I’ve beaten a false DV restraining order but the court records still exist despite me prevailing, and yes, this does carry a bad stigma.
I did some brief research and there were two cases I came across that involved the sealing of court records involving restraining orders. In one case, the respondent/restrained person was not only falsely restrained but also falsely arrested. The district attorney did not file charges for the alleged RO violation (this is very important). The restrained person’s attorney then filed a motion for factual innocence and a petition to seal/destroy arrest records in criminal court (this is a complicated and lengthy process). He simultaneously petitioned the family law court to also seal and destroy all records pertaining to the restraining order once it was proven to be fraudulent. The petitions were granted. Now this was a very rare case because the main factors were there was an arrest involved and a rejection from the DA with regards to filing charges. Also, it was later proven that the RO was 100% fraudulent. The other case involved no arrest and the restraining order request was never granted to begin with as it was deemed to be 100% fraudulent (best case scenario for sealing this type of court record).
Pumpkin, is the restraining order you were placed under still in effect? If so, your husband can request that the RO be lifted – he would likely have to do this in person at court. As to whether or not you would have to make a court appearance, I’m uncertain. At the very least you would likely have to provide a written declaration to the court in support of why the RO should no longer be in effect. With regards to expungement and sealing records: Since the judge did ultimately grant the restraining order to begin with, the argument of “fraud” is invalid unless your husband actually provides testimony to the judge that his restraining order request was based entirely on fraud (which means he’d be admitting to perjury). Or you can hire an attorney, appeal the RO and prove it was 100% fraudulent (would take time and cost $$$ to pull this off; chance of success might be minimal). If you and your husband seek to reconcile, that alone is enough to dismiss the RO. If you want the RO lifted for career advancement that is also compelling to the court. If the RO is no longer in effect and you want any record(s) of it to be sealed/destroyed I’m sorry to say that is not likely but I personally have a small shred of hope that restraining order laws will evolve one day (though I’m not holding my breath).
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I understand his position. What about taking this to family (your parents and siblings and his: clan meeting)? What if you copped to the threats you’ve made and made the promises before them instead of a judge? This would keep things “in-house” but also create a web of witnesses and concerned people who’ve heard from you what the facts are and what your intentions are. If your husband is amenable, then, he can just have the order dismissed, and you won’t have to appear in court. The holidays might make something like this convenient.
In my state (Arizona), it’s possible for two “adversarial parties” to cooperate in a nunc pro tunc motion to “expunge” past (civil) judgments of the court. I put expunge in quotation marks because like Shaun says, every state has different rules, different jargon, etc.
If you happen to be in Tennessee and you prevailed in court, there’s actually a law on the books that authorizes the court to vaporize the whole business:
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2015/01/24/straw-hats-off-to-tennessee-the-one-state-in-the-nation-that-has-a-provision-for-expunging-a-bogus-restraining-order/
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I should hasten to add that if you’re under an injunction that forbids you to be in your own house or to communicate with your husband, then doing something like I just suggested would be a violation of the order that could be grounds for your incarceration (and, yes, an in-law could turn you in).
If your husband has a temporary order, it’s not “his order”; it’s the court’s order. Step over the line in any way, and you could be charged with contempt of court. Your husband has absolutely no influence on whether an order of the court is enforced. He could protest until he was blue, and you could still go to jail.
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Thanks Shawn and Todd!
That is very helpful. Thank you very much. I have a temporary restraint order. I have asked him to withdraw the RO, but he says he can’t (our won’t) do it now. I am really panicked about appearing in court. Is there any way I can write my statement. And he can take it to the court before the date of summons and withdraw the RO? How can he have the orders dismissed? We are in New York state. Or can my statement only be presented on the day of summons? If the judge feels we are willing to reconcile and dismissed the RO, does it remove it from any kind of public record? As of now the court website only allows our docket number with no names or details. I’m looking for informal ways to undo this.
I’m not under injunction our anything like not to have contact, or keep away from home. He has not pressed any charges, so he says there is nothing in public record and this will be confidential and over if we agree that we can reconcile in front of the judge. Is this true? He says he is ok with my putting my version of truth and expose whatever I feel fit to my case. I’m not malicious, I am not going to get him in trouble and wreck my lovely home. I’m torn between keeping it on the dl or angry enough to twist innocent alterations into something more serious.
In fact once I enumerate my various problems I think the judge might order me some counseling or a psychiatric evaluation (while humiliating, I’m not averse to. Because I want to be sane and normal too.. Same thing he wants!). He thinks I’m not listening to anyone in family so he wants some authority figure to have me in check. Sigh. I didn’t ask for my depression or grief over dead dad or a disease that leaves me in physical distress. This feels unfair and insulting to me.
We have been through thick and thin, seen worse. I don’t know why he snapped. We have never ever become the spectacle that we are now. 😥
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It sounds like you have something called a “refrain from” order (which may be unique to New York; I’m not sure).
Here’s the process:
http://www.ehow.com/how_8235937_vacate-order-protection-new-york.html
According to this, response to a request to vacate an order may take longer than a day.
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This anonymous reply was supposed to be to you:
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For dismissing the order, does it have any bearing if the petitioner does this on the day of summons or before it? Can this all be done without the final blow of appearing in court?
My husband says that this is very low key and not serious. But it is my neck on the block. I don’t like to walk through fire to prove what he already believes me. Ugh!
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Yeah, your husband would return to the courthouse and move for dismissal. This could require that he meet with a judge, but the matter could probably be concluded the same day. Unless or until you see a document signed by a judge that says the case was dismissed, it hasn’t been.
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If you can’t swing at attorney’s help, just “file a motion” with the court clerk (s/he’ll have a form you can fill out) and explain to the judge what you want done and how come. Your husband will have to act first, though.
https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2014/06/07/on-withdrawing-restraining-orders-that-were-obtained-impetuously-and-on-the-influences-that-militate-against-conscience/
If you appear before a judge to defend yourself (if you haven’t had a hearing yet) and the judge finds for you, you could probably move that the order be expunged while you’re in court and explain your concerns then.
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I’m not sure how but I’ve somehow managed to get a lifetime restraining order in the state of Massachusetts from my sons mother even though I live in Maine and I have never committed a crime in my life when I went to court is the judge to show me any kind of evidence that would show that she would need this and they had nothing to show me and give it to me anyway
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Google “MassOutrage.”
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I am a mother who lives in Fl. I left my ex in 2005. While I was married to him he was mentally,, sexually and physically abusive. I along with my oldest son ( now deceased at age 14) and my ex boyfriend have had injunctions against him. His new ex wife has also. He has been baker acted 5 times for suicide threats and yes in front of children and arrested many times. The last time he seen our boys ( 3 boys) was in May of 2010. My oldest died from an accident in march of 2011.
Now he has gone after me and somehow got temporary full custody of my youngest. Yes we know how and why. The judge is openly bias in the case. I have not hugged my child in over a month. And just as a week ago I got phone contact. My son has not been around all the people he knows and loves . My ex is a total sociopath narcissis. He does nothing but talk to ppl everyday and slander me. He owes 80,000.00 in child support. I have wrote letters to state officials , im on my second attorney and im broke. He stalks people and gets away with everything.
I myself have never been in trouble , same job for 13 yrs and have been the best mom possible. My life revolves around my kids. Im so stressed and sad . I feel like I have no control and thats what my ex wanted.
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You have my sympathies for your loss, Jessica. I wish I had a reliable course to recommend to you. Fairness from the courts is too often about money. You might try to gain the sympathy of a family attorney who would work “pro bono.” The odds aren’t promising, but I can’t think what else to recommend. There may be a family lawyer who’s familiar with “high-conflict” people. Your ex, incidentally, sounds like a “borderline,” kind of a variant on the same theme. (Borderlines rashly and haphazardly accuse, threaten suicide, and are bad with money.) Judges are rarely familiar with character disorders. This is a good primer:
https://talkingback2restrainingorders.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/beth-high-conflict-family-law-matters.pdf
This concerns accusations by borderlines (people with borderline personality disorder or BPDs):
http://angiemedia.com/2008/12/29/bpd-distortion-campaigns/
If your ex is publicly slandering you (which can include in emails and calls to other people), there may be grounds to sue him, but this again requires financial resource. I don’t know if you could prosecute a complaint in family court on these grounds, but you could find out, and they may be sufficient to obtain a restraining order against him for harassment (for what good that might do). Keep a log and a file of all “slanders” (copies if possible, screenshots if online, the names of people he’s lied about you to, etc.). Evidence moves judges. Start a file.
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wow ! good for you , i went to court armed with the truth and documents to back it and in the end the judge as good as called me a liar , i was not happy i still plan on sueing “i think’ waiting to here from a lawyer . but it is good to hear that there is a judge that can HEAR the truth and reconize it.
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