42 thoughts on ““perjury and sociopaths”: On the Challenges of Contesting Restraining Orders Sought by the Mentally Aberrant, Deranged, or Ill”

1. Reblogged this on .

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2. Pingback: Outright abomination against rudimentary civil rights and principles of law. | Civil Rights in Family Law Florida

3. My special needs son whom we just had conserved in November has just been served with a temporary restraining order and a court date of January 11th. My husband and I are absolutely furious!! Heres the story……My son lives in a Senior/Disabled apartment building run by Area Housing. He is 26 yrs. old though high functioning he is intellectually disabled. In the apartment next door is a very nice lady, probably in her 50’s or 60’s. She is not allowed to have her daughter live there with her. This daughter is the ONE who served my son. She has been saying my son is stalking her, I believe she is the one who put a wanted be the FBI not on my sons window. The mom has told me in the past her daughter is crazy. Fine she’s crazy but keep her away from my son! Well, 2 weeks ago things got worse. She started putting notes on my sons door and a form that looked like a legal form talking about restraining. She also thinks he has a roommate with a specific name and he lives alone. Anyway after I talked with the mom a week ago on Sunday and told her I wouldn’t go to management because I understand she is having a hard time with her crazy daughter, Monday my son gets served with a temporary restraining order and a court date of Jan. 11.
   I am furious and will now have to go to the mangement because she is not even supposed to be living there!!! This is my sons apartment…..if she is so scared of him why does she come to his apartment building?!?! The mom says she doesn’t live there and only comes to help her take care of the dog….that is BS!!! She put on her filing that she resides at the apartment.
   Soooooo…..the mom says she will come with us to court and tell the judge these allegations are not true. Meanwhile, my husband and I are going to talk with the apartment manager and hopefully get her to give a written statement that my son does not have a roommate, give a copy of his move date…..she says my son and his roommate have been harrassing her for years and following her to different residences……my son has lived there alone for a little over a year and doesn’t drive.
   So I guess we have to file a harrasemnt order against her and a form replying to her form.

   So exhausted in California

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   1. Bring copies of everything you’ve accumulated to court, Kelley (three copies of all of it): the stuff shoved under the door, the poster, everything you have. I think you’re smart to get everyone in on this (like the landlord) before any paperwork is served. Once a court order is issued, you have to watch where you step, and the people you didn’t talk to may form their own impression of the truth, etc.

      It’s very possible this girl has done this before.

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4. Well, I seem to be the minority here but I am a woman who is going through much of the same. My story: My guy avidly and relentlessly pursued me on a daily basis (multiple times per day) and wanted to “show me how I deserved to be treated” with sympathy for my recent track record (over 5 yrs plus) of being “badly treated”. I was reluctant and hesitant but admittedly quickly fell for him fussing over me and the connection and times we spent together “like never before with anyone”. Fast forward 6 months or so and the discovery that he had another girlfriend the entire time (the one he vehemently badmouthed regularly, whom I had known for years). She and I met and compared information discovering that we each had been gifted items that belonged to the other. We were not the only two either. There was at least one other, most likely two or more additional despite him spending 90% of the days/nights with me. The other girlfriend admitted to pawning an heirloom ring that belonged to my daughter for Him (I had cut off a longtime friend believing, and being led as such by Him, that they had stolen it) and I, in exchange admitted to being present when he had recently sold a pair of diamond earrings that it turned out belonged to her mother! WOW! Honestly, I had some occasional suspicion that he would lie and if I was honest with myself I would have recognized that he was also cheating, however the thievery really knocked the wind out of me.Moving on, the girlfriend changed up the following day yet I still assisted her mother when she contacted me in retrieving her earrings as she promised to get her daughter to return my ring (despite denying her previous admission). Somewhere between the breakup and his arrest as the Mother pressed charges and took all of our text exchange to the Sheriff, he managed to steal hundreds of pieces of my jewelry hidden in a safe in my closet. It took me awhile to realize it but I admittedly texted him repeatedly tin the interest of having my items returned. He in return filed for a civil restrainging order for harassment and proceeded to have it granted to him based up a forged and fraudulent Proof of Service – I have yet to be served a single page yet there is an Injunction against me. Fighting the Order after the fact is costly, extremely time consuming, and a much more intensive process than the simple pages he had to just fill in to get the order. Which was as easy for him as just making up the most outrageous stories without any presented or available evidence, as his claims are grossly untrue. He claims Ive threatened him & his family, sexually harassed him (I dont even know how that is possible), harassed him via his Parole Officer causing his incarceration – easily disproven by the District Attorneys case against him that does not involve me as well as his dirty drug tests for parole. So I have been saddled with providing proof that his claims are fabricated lies but the endless legwork I have had to do and proof I have had to compile is ridiculous when it should have been him that had the burden of proof. Our system is whack. And it is so very true – whomever lies the most and the longest – WINS!. Perjury has no consequence in our California judicial system and that is what needs to be adjusted. He has a long criminal history and I have none. But his claims will forever be a matter of public record against me whether I ultimately have the order reversed or not. And the embarrassment that has gone along with being labeled so many terrible things which I am not and the things Ive been said to do which are lies will haunt me forever. There is something seriously defective with a system that allows him to victimize me, then blame me and enlist the courts to further victimize me based solely on his word. Absurd!

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5. Judith S. Leland is a previous SSI court that has actually been representing Social Protection Disability plaintiffs because 1976.

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   1. Essie, I’ll leave your comment up, but let me know more. Since the website you’ve linked to is in Japanese and your email address is German, I have to wonder if yours isn’t a diabolically plausible spam!

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6. What steps do you suggest to counter false allegations and the subsequent issuance of an Order of Protection? I am going through this right now. I’ve been encouraged to file my own order against my BPD ex to protect me from being entrapped (e.g., her approaching me and crying foul).

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   1. That may be good counsel, Mike. Are you saying you anticipate false accusations to the court?

      What you do, you can undo (mostly—some traces may linger). What’s done to you, especially by someone who has no compunction about lying, is sometimes impossible to undo (and the lies will snowball).

      So being proactive/preemptive if you strongly expect an attack might be smart.

      Just appreciate that this stuff is hard on people, and people who have personality disorders are especially sensitive to accusation. And they will fight back. And you will fight back. And they will fight back back….

      If you wanted to provide more details, I could offer further perspectives. Clearly any “evidence” you could obtain that shows the nature of relationship could be helpful. People with personality disorders aren’t just liars; they revise the truth (even in their own heads).

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      1. Sadly, the order has been signed (three weeks after the Hearing .. which the attorney said he’d never seen happen before … it surprised him). Quick background … my story is a poster child for BPD experience. We went through all the stages (idealization, hook, demonization) many times over the last 3 1/2 years (the first two were wonderful … only a couple little “don’t talk to ever again” episodes that I, then, had no idea where they came from … after a few weeks she came to me and we made up. It wasn’t until I told her I loved her (she had been saying it to me for almost 2 years … right from the beginning) that the more intense and longer breaks started. now, two months ago we had a great morning, were sitting just talking when she started complaining then, without warning, attacked me verbally for not believing a lie she had told about a guy she let pick he up at a coffee shop (leaving me waiting for 45 minutes) and then going on a date for dinner and drinks that night when we were supposed to do something (7 1/2/ hours with 11 pm to 12:30 am unaccounted for … I suspect they had sex, especially after she told me he had propositioned her for sex). After getting angry she said was was going to leave and I said I thought that best. On her way out of my house she turned and started to verbally and physically assault me. I was fending off her blows and kicks and pleading with her to stop when she landed a punch that knocked my glasses off and bent them (a year and a half before she had done the same thing) and I became angry and told her to leave and never come back, that I was tired of her abuse I know, I should have been smarter given I know she has BPD). About 5 days later she filed an Order of Protection. During the hearing she lied about everything. I was stunned. The Judge was clearly biased toward her and against me. He denied my request to review the materials she apparently prepared, he denied my request to submit a response, and he denied my request for a continuance to seek legal representation. I’ve hired an attorney for a Motion to Correct Action in preparation for a formal Appeal. It is interesting that she did not file the order in the county/state where she lives, but the county/state where I live (I am only 5 miles from her). I suspected after the first incident a year and a half ago that she developed an intimate relationship with a deputy who responded to my call after her assault (at the time she thanked me for calling him and said he was handsome and had comforted her in her bed with her wearing a nighty, when she was on ambien) … and the fact that she went directly to him in my county/state suggests (along with other clues) that I am correct … I can see no other reason she is getting such preferential treatment. The recommendation I was given was to file an Order of Protection against her in her county/state. I was also encourage to sue her for large items she has of mine (the judge made me return her things I had or face going to jail … when I asked what would happen if she failed to return my things the judge said I could sue her). I was also encouraged to sue her for money she borrowed from me. I am not sure if these actions will make things worse. I feel pretty stupid for haven g allowed her to brainwash me into loving her as I did (I’ve never loved anyone as much as did her … and she, of course, said she felt the same … but then was sleeping with her ex husband, my former best friend, a guy at her work, the guy who picked her up at the coffee shop, probably the sheriff deputy and who know who else …. I knew all this but when I was around her I suspended what I knew to be true … I believed her even though I had evidence to the contrary. ouch!

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         1. You can’t overstate the defensiveness of these people. I’ve heard from several men and women about the sexual promiscuity of BPs. I can tell you that suing is rough. Judges aren’t sensitive to legal abuses. Petitioning a collateral order stands a better chance of success. If you did that, though, you’d have to come up with compelling reasons. Violence can be one, of course, but your claim would likely be discounted because of the time gap and her receiving a protection order first. The judge might conclude that you didn’t need one now. If there’s something recent you could point to, or something ongoing (like a smear campaign), that would probably better avail you.

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         2. Going through something similar here….my court date is coming July 20. Has your ex been diagnosed with BPD? And if so did it have no revalence in the courts eyes?? I have come to the philosophy that my sanity is actually worth something so I will just sign the house over and walk away, otherwise it could go on for longer than i am willing to deal with. Hope it all works out for you

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   2. I’m not a psychologist, and there probably are good tutorials on “talking to” borderlines. Based on personal experience, I know they like being recognized and acquiesced to. So if you’re trying to smooth relations with a BP, you’re probably better off pandering to her ego a little than being aggressive. Are you being texted, emailed, that kind of thing?

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      1. Have you read this?

         http://www.theawl.com/2013/12/this-restraining-order-expires-on-tuesday

         The allegedly BPD woman responds in the comments.

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      2. The sad thing is (well, there much about which to be sad!) is that her accusations are completely false and only made because she was angry I would not accept what I knew to be a lie, I told her to leave (this, I am sure, hit her sense of abandonment hard — I just was not thinking at that moment), and because I had things of hers I did not give back immediately when she demanded (I had no intent on keeping them … she’s done this before … gotten mad and demanded her things immediately — even barged into my home, but refused to give me back my things). So the Judge believes her lies and my life risks being ruined (and this damages my daughter’s life) … but the ex does not like her because she takes time/attention away from her.

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         1. The term “personality disordered” is probably applied too broadly to accusers like her, but traits like defensiveness, all-or-nothing thinking, etc. are very common among people who exploit court process. Taking “abandonment hard,” having “blow-ups” that make reconciliation hard or impossible, and making up accusations are character traits of “high-conflict” people, who are typically identified as exemplifying personality disorders.

            See the link in the footnote of this post:

            https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2015/06/06/low-and-outside-an-umpires-story-of-restraining-order-abuse-by-an-underhand-screwball/

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   3. If you would like to tell your story in a post, Mike, you’re welcome to.

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7. Please read my petition. Anyone may sign my petition. Here is the link to my petition:

   https://www.change.org/p/u-s-house-of-representatives-us-senate-stop-branding-harmless-people-as-stalkers-cyberstalkers-and-harassers

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   1. 

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8. In 2011 My x wife obtained a restraining order on me with nothing more than lies. If anyone would have taken 5 minutes to read our Email conversations they would have easily seen she wasn’t even a slightly scared but rather antagonizing me and very jealous.. She is a complete Borderline nut job hell bent on destroying me and taking 100% control of the children. This system is EXTREMLY flawed and the consequences are dire. Once a restraining order is placed, you are nothing more than a marked man. She will violate you every chance she gets. I can’t emphasize enough how scary these individuals are, and the court is content to do nothing..

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9. My ex-husband used to batter me and then go crawling on his hands and knees through the neighborhood until he reached the hospital or police station and he would claim I had attacked him. I’d be hysterical and police would arrest me. This happened repeatedly. Even when he was caught red handed with his hands on my throat, on top of me and I was unconscious it was still my fault. I was made homeless on multiple occasions he would involve my family, he would involve his family, all of our friends, employers and university professors and I was always the bad guy and still am. On one occasion I was raped while homeless, so he met with the rapist and triangulated with the rapist, my mother and her two trained vultures. They called 67 mental health facilities across the country (that I know about) and tried to find one where they could buy a diagnosis that would render me an unfit parent. Then they took the child (conceived by rape) and held him hostage as a baby and tried to force me into this mental hospital, they brought along a guy with no legal certification to practice therapy, medicine or anything else in any other state and this guy chose to do an “intervention” in a public park net to a funeral using my child as bait and threatening to have me thrown in jail if I did not leave the state and go to the mental hospital with him. It was my word against theirs, my ex-husband and mother and sisters spent YEARS abusing me in psychotic and horrifying ways like getting into my phone account and sending text messages as if they were me threatening suicide a few weeks before they would stage another intervention. My mother drove around a city 3000 miles away until she found me and then accosted me at a red light. Financial abuse, physical and emotional abuse, medical neglect. They filed restraining orders against me and claimed I was a danger to everyone, kidnapped my son, my dogs, stole my car at one point, drained bank accounts, paypal accounts, sawed locks of my storage unit and took off with everything, repeated breakins, repeated assaults, breaking into my home at night and drugging me and leaving me tied up and naked in the bath tub and EVERY FUCKING TIME police just validated the abuse and continued to terrorize me. Protection order? WHY HOW?? Instead of cooperating with court orders he donated money to a women’s shelter and sold our possessions to finance a ski trip for himself. He is good friends with the rapist after testifying against him. He found and married his next victim less than a year later. And this, this isn’t even 5% of what he was able to get away with legally. . . this guy broke my neck and cracked my skull in 3 places and he went to jail for 20 days and fined $500, sentenced to therapy which only taught him how to manipulate the system and me to his advantage to an even more sociopathic degree. Its been almost 5 years now I still live in terror every single day.

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   1. Jesus, f—. Your family knew about the physical trauma (broken neck and fractured skull) and still sided with him? Is he that gifted a social manipulator? Tormenting you basically became a passion it sounds like. This execrable system is designed so that once an accuser is nominated “the victim,” s/he can do no wrong. Any spin, no matter how implausible, works. Crazy works, because the system follow the dictum, “He said it, so it must be true.” Then, besides, new circumstances are judged accorded to what’s “on the record.” Throw a little financial wherewithal in this cocktail, and there’s no extremity of abuse someone can’t aspire to (with the system’s full and sympathetic support).

      Yours may be the most heinous series of violations and betrayals I’ve ever heard. You have a sympathetic ear here, and I’d be glad to write up your story if it would provide you with any degree of satisfaction or release. You’re plainly a very lucid woman, and I’m deeply outraged for you, desolated, and impressed beyond words by your fortitude. I know absolutely that this is more indignity than I could have tolerated.

      This is a recent post:

      https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2015/02/12/inciting-violence-if-lawmakers-require-a-compelling-motive-for-restraining-order-reform-how-about-this-one/

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10. My wealthy ex HUSBAND skipped the UK abandoning me and leaving me to defend myself against false charges of “domestic violence” taking me to court 3 times . When I suggested we file one on each other–so neither of us could contact the other–he refused. Domestic violence my foot! He’s 6’2″, 300 lbs and 7000 miles away. in the UK. I’m 5″, 120 lbs struggling to pay our the bills while he’s living with his girlfriend–I was shocked when he was finally awarded the restraining order against me! What? Why?

    Then he took me to court another 3 or 4 times to fight over petty b.s. When I managed to get a job and was evacuated from our condo due to wildfire–he hit me with an eviction order. He didn’t want to live there–he wanted it empty while he was in UK. I was to be thrown into the street with our dog and our cat…I had to have teams of lawyers inspect our condo, pawing through my personal possessions–trying I was some crazy bag lady unfit to llive there. What?.

    When it finally ended the lawyers fees were over $100,000 each. He got more than that. Everyone got money except me! I got $40,000 but had to pay 2 $5000 credit card, buy a car, move all the stuff we’d accumulated over 18 years (with no help from him) and limp up to Northern California to look for a job and an apt. I was broken and still haven’t recovered physically, emotionally and financially.

    To top it off he never abided by the terms of our Divorce Decree filed in Orange Co. CA. He currently owes me more than $200,000 and I’m way below the poverty line desperately seeking another job (got laid off from previous 3 positons when each company downsized due to financial issues) Why did he take me to court if he had no intention of following the court order ffor which he fought so hard–for over 2 years! The domestic violence issue was because I’d left him a voicemail pleading that we come to an agreement and not give all the $ to the courts and the lawyers.

    His response: “I’d rather see the lawyers get all the money–than for you to get one dime!”

    I’ve tried to enforce its terms but he resides in the UK and all his assets are there.. After an 18 year marriage in which I rescued him from being evicted, got him a job, a green card, his US citizenship–put him through computer school–he turns around and treats me like a stranger and a criminal! I had no one to help me (no family–no friends–all turned against me. It was a nightmare. Still don’t understand why–since he was the one who skipped to the UK and moved in with some woman! You’d think he’d be happy–in love. Not trying to destroy me!

    He even called animal control and reported me for abusing my best friend, a little chiuhua-dachshund who was the daugher I never had. She had more than one bed–constant food–a car seat–a backpack–a front pack–a stroller–a play pen-dog jackets. She was my comfort and my companion. The Animal Control Officer said he’d never seen such a well taken care of dog–but if I got reported again he’d have to come knocking on my front door to inspect my home. And I’m not allowed to know the identity of my accuser!

    It was a nightmare from which I’m still struggling to recover! So for all you “victimized” gentleman out there–know that you may take some comfort in the fact that there’s at least one innocent woman (me ) who experienced false accusations, and had a 5 year restraining order falsely filed against her–affecting her ability to become a teacher)

    Me I’m staring homelessness in the face, on food stamps in need of dental work with only $200 in the bank…But I’m happy. (I try to keep a sense of humor but some days it’s pretty tough) Thanks for letting me vent, Gentlemen!

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    1. I tutored kids, too, and intended to write children’s humor for my living.

       I just posted this, FYI:

       “On the Receiving End of a Sociopath’s Lies”: A Professional Mom’s Story of Restraining Order Abuse

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    2. “I’d rather see the lawyers get all the money…than for you to get one dime!” That really says so much about what these matters concern (petty vindictiveness), and more (female) voices like yours need to be heard. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this.

       I’ve written responses to stories published in both the U.S. the U.K. about false allegations, particularly rape, which is the “lightning rod of controversy.” Nobody wants to hear that accusations are made maliciously, especially allegations of violence. But they are.

       It’s easy.

       Rape is investigated and treated as a crime. It’s hard to pull off a fraud that big. Accusations of other kinds, though, especially ones made in civil court, aren’t investigated at all. That includes “domestic violence.” There’s no “proving” a fraction of allegations of that sort. Not only that, “real” allegations don’t have to amount to anything more, in cases, than things like “pinching” or just heatedly arguing in public. I know of a case in which a man was accused by his immigrant wife of threatening her with a typewriter! She got her citizenship…and the house.

       https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2014/03/15/perjury-bs-ing-the-court-the-frequency-of-false-allegations-and-the-fraudulent-abuse-of-the-civil-restraining-order/

       https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2014/04/21/a-scratch-a-push-a-pinch-domestic-violence-false-allegations-and-restraining-order-abuse/

       Animal Control, Child Protective Services, DES, etc.—all of these U.S. agencies, besides, are easily manipulated. Like you say, you can have someone show up at your door, and that person doesn’t even have to reveal the identity of your accuser.

       https://restrainingorderabuse.com/2014/09/16/a-circle-of-moms-reports-on-false-allegations-to-cps-and-says-the-same-things-that-fathers-groups-say-about-the-abuse-of-restraining-orders-and-domestic-violence-laws/

       I’ve had some disturbed women play these games for many, many years. Like yours, my teeth are shot, and I’ve lived hand-to-mouth because my plans were slimed. Almost a decade into this, my parents are ailing, my own dog is aged, and the tenuous bonds holding everything together could dissolve in an afternoon.

       As in your case—for nothing. What needs to be pointed out (and what you have pointed out) is the state makes this possible. The man you describe was obviously just lashing out passive-aggressively.

       https://www.change.org/p/hold-false-accusers-accountable-for-making-false-allegations

       Who in the world would imagine, seriously, that hundreds of thousands would be pissed away over what I’m sure you’re right was “petty b.s.”? Imagine if there were no “restraining order” process. How much of what you’ve been put through would still have been possible?

       I admire your fortitude.

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    3. Sorry to hear. I feel your pain. So many similar stories. Hope things turn around for you!

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11. Related posts:

    “On the Receiving End of a Sociopath’s Lies”: A Professional Mom’s Story of Restraining Order Abuse

    What Do You Do when Your Slick Accuser Is Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?: “Relationships-with-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality-Women”

    Play Misty for Me: Feminine Psychodrama and Restraining Orders

    Sex, Restraining Order Abuse, and the “Dark Triad”: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy

    Rethinking “Stalking”: When Sociopathic Stalkers Apply for Restraining Orders

    The Restraining Order Plaintiff from Hell: Malicious Prosecution and the “High-Conflict Person”

    Blame, No Shame: Restraining Order Abuse by High-Conflict, Personality-Disordered Plaintiffs

    Narcissistic Sociopaths and Restraining Orders: When the System Is Primed to Abet the Criminally Deviant

    Crying Wolf: On Attention-Seeking Personality Disorders and Restraining Order Abuse

    “Why Would a Narcissist Put a Restraining Order on You?”

    Not Evil Geniuses but Brats in Slacks: On Narcissists and Restraining Order Abuse

    Narcissism: A Study in Distortion

    Shifting Blame: DARVO, Personality Disorders, and Restraining Order Abuse

    DARVO and the Diva: A Hypothetical Case in Point of Restraining Order Abuse to Reverse the Roles of Victim and Offender

    Targeted by a Narcissistic Sociopath: When a Stalker Obtains a Restraining Order to Dominate and Destroy

    Fantasists Fatales: More on Narcissistic Sociopaths and Restraining Order Abuse to Gratify Stalkers’ Anger and Jealousy

    Differentiating the Frauds of Sociopaths and Narcissists: A First-Person Perspective

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12. I would love to be somewhere that a judge would actually listen, review my evidence and grant me a restraining order. I have been to court twice, left my home, my elderly mother and all my friends to move to another state to go into hiding, spent thousands on attorneys and I STILL cannot get away from him. I was sent a shot-up range target, I was threatened, harassed mercilessly, he had me watched and sent emails to let me know (he lived in another state), he sent a text message from my daughter’s phone pretending to be her and trying to lure me somewhere, and he hired a private investigator to track me down so he could send a threatening letter. All those things happened in 6 months. I did everything right. It was not a “high conflict” divorce. I never kept him from his children and in fact couldn’t get him to use more than half his parenting time. I never trash talked him to his children or anyone else for that matter. I went back to school and got a Master’s degree. I secured a wonderful job to take care of my children. I cut all electronic ties and never called, texted or emailed him (even though I could have at any time) He continues his abuse. Now I have three stress induced illnesses and will have to move my children again. I am not unique. In fact, I am common. 75% of all reported intimate partner attacks occur after the abused partner has left the relationship. 81% of those were stalked prior to the attack. (Source: Stalking in America, NCADV) Perhaps I should move to a state that hands out restraining orders as egregiously as your article suggests because I can’t get any protection for myself or my kids. Meanwhile, he makes up lies and files court actions against me over and over to harass me. This is reality for many abused women.

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    1. A reality for many abused women (and men) is that their abusers get restraining orders against them.

       Often it’s a matter of who goes to the court first. Or if both parties have petitioned the system, who was first successful. Credibility with the courts has a lot less to do with truth, evidence, or reality than with what the last guy decided.

       We’re not saying different things, Lisa. The point is that monsters may be rewarded by the system where someone who is abused or terrorized by a monster may be scorned by the system and even punished for reporting the truth.

       This comment (posted today) is from a contributor to an online petition titled “Stop False Allegations of Domestic Violence”:

       jacqueline s. from Lake Oswego, OR writes:

       I am a survivor of childhood abuse. The mother who abused me has just filed a second protective order against me. I live 1500 miles away from her. I can’t even defend myself because my doctor won’t release me to travel by air. I have a degenerative disorder. The abuser is allowed to abuse me as an adult.

       This comment is one of thousands.

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    2. Correspondent with the statistic you cite about “intimate partner attacks,” it’s not unusual for someone who swears out a restraining order against a lover to then follow that person; harass that person by phone, letter, email, or text; show up at that person’s residence or work; or otherwise stalk or taunt that person. This passive-aggressive form of “attack” is usually by female partners. And may be more of a manifestation of obsession than cruelty or revenge.

       Sometimes this kind of thing is done to entrap. In other words, you get the restraining order defendant to answer the door or your phone call, and then you report him (or her) for violating the court’s order.

       Sometimes the restraining order plaintiff/“stalker” is calling to say “I love you.” Which may be more disturbing yet.

       I’m sorry you’ve been tormented the way you have been, Lisa. What should be obvious to you, though, as someone who’s been lied about to the courts is that it’s easy to do and very effective at grinding someone down emotionally. You’re distrustful of men for good reason, but don’t doubt for a minute that women manipulate the system more often and to much greater effect than men.

       I looked up the statistics fact sheet you cite (or one like it): “National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Stalking Facts.” If you scan to the bottom of this brochure, you’ll see that what it’s promoting is public support toward “beefing up” laws against stalking, etc. What this “beefing up” translates to is still lowered standards of proof/evidence and training judges to view anyone who’s accused through slitted eyes.

       If you’ve been lied about to the courts, you know how readily judges may swallow lies, and you know how hurtful and corrosive they can be.

       Best wishes to you.

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       1. That’s exactly the path my x choose. She received a restraining order and then continually put herself around me. Calling me at my work, reassuring me it was ok to talk and all the time plotting my demise. She had her boyfriend over staying with her and had the children calling him dad. As soon as I got a girlfriend she violated me and off to jail I went.

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          1. If it’s at all validating, I think your diagnosis is right, and I’ve heard this repeatedly. The same thing, the same impulses, the same reactions. What’s crushing is that all of this works because the system is as robotic in its function as many of the people who abuse it are. The personality-disordered, when you’ve watched them long enough, are like machines. You could script what they’re going to do. Still, they trick the brain—and to anyone who doesn’t know their brains are haywire, they come off as totally plausible. I was last in court in 2013, and I knew what I was dealing with, but in retrospect I realize I questioned the person in court as I would a normal person. The answers were bizarre, but the weirdness was totally imperceptible to other normal people. Obviously, I’m really sorry for you. I know the treachery alone is lethal.

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    3. I’m going through this right now. My wife has done a total 360 on me. First filing divorce and them issues a restraining order on me when I have never touched her or abused her. She also says I never put my hands on her but somehow the person approved the order. I immediately filed a ex parte to stop the temporary order to stay away from my house. How can a person go after someone that did not do anything.

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13. Going through this very thing right this very instant. My wife of 19 years staged an abuse plan 2 years ago but landed herself in the hospital for a week and never made it to the courthouse. I didn’t realize it at the time that she’d been planning this, until the most recent events during which people told me about the previous attempt.
    This past July she succeeded and her false abuse claims ripped me away from the 4 children I’ve been caring for for the past 4 years. She’s a diagnosed anorexic, bulimic, alcoholic, who exhibits all of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Now it’s is thousands of dollars and almost 4 months later and it is a long, hard fight to get the story in front of the judges who make the decisions. Unbelievable pain and the children are hurting and there is absolutely nothing that you can do except throw every penny you can come up with at the problem. Meanwhile your children are held hostage by an insanely cruel and dysfunctional overlord.

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14. Dr. Tara Palmatier has a number of firsthand histories of abuses of men by women with various personality disorders on her blog Shrink4Men: “The Personality Disorders category discusses the impact of personality disorders, such as the Cluster B disorders (Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder), on intimate relationships with non-disordered partners.”

    Check out her site. She’s cool, courageous, compassionate, and an excellent writer.

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15. This happened to me recently. I live at an apartment complex called Village Place apartments in downtown San Diego, it is known on the streets as New Jack City. This is one apartment associated with St Vincent De Paul Father Joe Villages permanent housing units. A black man recently released from parole filed a false restraining order against me after the police searched his home for drugs. He is afraid I am going to send him back to prison after meth dealers visited his apartment Friday March 1, 2013. Many people who come to St Vincents and Father Joe’s Villages are mentally ill, off parole, on parole and many of them file false restraining orders against each other. There is an older lady that lives in the building next to me and everytime I see her, she says she is putting a restraining order on someone. In the same building, there is a Russian lady, who filed a false restraining order against a black man for no reason and she still harasses him in front of others. This environment is very uncomfortable for people who are sane. Sadly many staff hired by St Vincents have drug backgrounds and mental illness. so when clients go to them with made up stories about someone they are believed and harassed by the staff.

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    1. Because these instruments are free, they’re a great way for people who otherwise feel disenfranchised to get the full attention of the system and focus its threat on someone else. It’s horrible.

       They were designed to empower the powerless. But no one installed a safety switch.

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16. One of the best things a person can do is find the ex-lovers of the sociopath or psychopath and ask them to testify as witnesses in relation to the person’s abusive behavior, such as psychological or physical abuse. That will expose the person to the courts as the real abuser. It makes for a good defense.

    For example, my ex-girlfriend who placed a restraining order on me had physically attacked one of her ex-boyfriends after they had broken up. She had to be pulled off by security guards. Furthermore, she has a history of harassing and psychologically abusing her ex-boyfriends: Calling repeatedly without give space and not allowing sex to occur in the relationship as a form of punishment.

    It begins to show who the real nutjob is, but it takes time and effort. Sometimes these psychopaths are proud of their psychological and physical abuse toward their ex-lovers. If communications with the ex-lovers does not work, a subpoena should. But one should keep in mind that it is illegal to threaten a subpoena. So, just subpoenaing the person is the answer. It’s doubtful that the abused ex-lover will lie, but it’s possible that he or she may attempt to remain quiet.

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    1. Another thing a person can do is find the legal record of the plaintiff who is placing the restraining order on the defendant. It can show that the plaintiff is irresponsible and impulsive, especially if the defendant knows what the legal record is about. It is often the case that judges are ignorant of things until they are spoken to about the issues. As such, it is necessary to tell the judges about the wrong-doings of the plaintiff. Nonetheless, the defendant must have a good defense as to why things occurred as they did and why the restraining order came about as it did.

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       1. What if she is only trying to set you up to get back at you for whatever she thinks you have done to her? As in, she keeps telling the police that your violating the newly released peace order, most likely to get attention back on herself.

          I have happily understood and been completely down to have a separation. I even told her we could even be friends if she wants down the road. But evidently, she can’t be with me because I kissed someone a long time (between 1-2 years) ago, because other women talk to me and I’m attractive and work as a bartender, and because I humiliated her by even talking to female customers the “wrong” way. Not as in gave out my number or received one.

          To put it in perspective why don’t we just leave it like this. She has made it abundantly clear and it’s mutually understood that we need some time apart. She hates me, can’t be with me, because i’m a monster, yet she keeps coming up with new ways to get me in trouble or force me to keep my attention on the matter at hand. I can’t really forget her or move on from my former fiancee until she quits trying to grab my attention by lying in court.

          There have got to be easier ways to figure out a solution to our problems… 😛

          ~Mikey

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17. My ex-wife has been hospitalized 7 times for mental disorders. Against her own will. At one point I lost my children due to one of her made up restraining orders. The judge,the courts,they just don’t care. I used to believe in justice. WOW! Was I ever wrong!

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    1. There’s nothing like a brush with these mindless processes to wring every drop of romantic faith in human virtue out of you.

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